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Dr. Katz
From Dr. Katz, Comedy Central, June 29, 1998
Transcribed by CarriK


[DAVID is talking to LAURA in the reception area. He is wearing a black T-Shirt that says "BELIEVE."]

DAVID: Do you have a .... do you have a place where I can sit where not everybody in the office sees me .... where I just be alone. Before I go in there. Kind of like in a game show.

LAURA: [over it] You could go in there.

DAVID: Go in where?

LAURA: In the broom closet.

DAVID: Is it ....[clears his throat] Iím just going to go in the broom closet.

LAURA: Mm hm.

DAVID: I just have this thing that I donít want everybody to see ....

LAURA: Okay.

[He goes into the broom closet. Pause.]

DAVID: [muffled voice from the closet] Is there a light?

LAURA: No.

[Pause.]

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Whose coat is this? Is this .... is this the Doctorís coat?

[Inside the closet, DAVID is wearing a red coat and a yellow hat.]

LAURA: Yes thatís Doctor Katzís coat.

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Itís warm. [long pause] Is there .. Is there anybody else out there since I went in here?

LAURA: No.

[Inside, DAVID tries to open the door.]

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Hey, uh .... itís locked.

LAURA: Whoops.

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Thatís .... funny.

LAURA: Kind of.

[KATZ comes from his office to the reception area.]

KATZ: Hey, Laura.

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Is that .... is that Dr. Katz?

KATZ: David?

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Yeah.

KATZ: [looking around] David I hear you but I donít ..... Laura, what did you do to David?

LAURA: I didnít do it!

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Well, Iím in the broom closet today Ďcause I just felt like I wanted to shake things up.

KATZ: [standing in front of closet door] Well ....

DAVID: [voice from the closet] I wanted to do something ballsy.

KATZ: You know, you can be ballsy in the waiting room like everybody else.

[DAVID in the closet still wearing the coat and hat.]

DAVID: [voice from the closet] No, no. I want to have my session from in here.

KATZ: Well, David, this is really ....

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Iím just taking control.

KATZ: Youíve taken control of the broom closet, so far.

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Well, why canít .... it .. are you dead set against this?

KATZ: No, no, Iím not even convinced itís such a bad idea ....

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Hey, is this .... is this gum in your jacket?

KATZ: Yeah. You can help yourself if you want. Itís uh ....

DAVID: [voice from the closet] [clears throat] Bubblelicious.

KATZ: It is, isnít it?

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Yeah.

KATZ: Try not to touch my retainer.

[LAURA stifles a laugh.]

DAVID: [voice from the closet] Being in here reminds me of a .... of a very fond....

[BEN enters, spreads his arms wide.]

BEN: Laura!

KATZ: hey, Ben. Whatís happening.

BEN: Hey, Dad.

LAURA: Hey, Ben.

BEN: [jittery from lots of coffee, clapping hands] Laura. Laura!

KATZ: [tries to interupt]

BEN: [singing] Whatís up! What are we doing!

KATZ: Ben, ..... in addition to me and Laura, thereís also a patient in the broom closet. Specail treat.

BEN: [winks] Right. Sure there is. The.eís always a patient in the broom closet. Of course.

[KATZ tries to stop him, but BEN crosses to the closet and begins banging on the door.]

BEN: [screaming] Hey buddy get out of the closet!! You crazy??!!! You crazy!!!! Come on out OUT OUT OUT!!!!!

[KATZ covers his face with his hands.]

[Later, DAVID and KATZ are in KATZís office.]

KATZ: David .... maybe we should try a different angle here ....

DAVID: When you say my name, it uh, worries me a little bit when you say it like that.

KATZ: Yeah, well .... I get the feeling when you come in here each week, youíre like the kid who hasnít really done his homework....

[Shot of DAVID looking about 8 years old, nervous.]

KATZ: And I think, thatís an issue.

DAVID: Well ....

KATZ: Because I feel like youíre trying to cover for yourself, like youíre making up problems, youíre inventing problems but youíre not allowing real feelings to surface because itís one thing to be happy on paper but itís another thing to get in touch with those feelings and that Ďs why youíre here. Iím guessing.

DAVID: Mm hm.

KATZ: So let me put you in touch with those feelings. You have a pencil?

DAVID: You going to give me my homework assignment.

KATZ: Iím going to give you your home number.

[DAVID laughs.]

[Cut to scene with BEN and LAURA. Later.]

KATZ: Some people come here because they like the privacy, because they know for an hour, theyíre not going to get any phone calls

DAVID: [arms crossed] I donít like you talking about other people.

KATZ: [defensive] I donít like you talking about other therapists.

DAVID: [laughs uncomfortably] Well, you asked me if Iíd ever been to therapy before, and I told you Iíd been with a woman and I donít know how that would be threatening.

KATZ: The fact that sheís a woman is not the part thatís threatening. [pause] Whatíd she look like?

DAVID: You know what she did for me? She took my side on everything.

KATZ: Yeah. Well, I can do that.

[Cut to scene with BEN and LAURA.]

[Commercial.]

[Later that week. Office with DAVID.]

KATZ: So, are you sleeping better?

DAVID: Better than ....?

KATZ: Me?

[DAVID laughs.]

KATZ: Iím sorry, David, Iím kidding, but, um, last time you were here we were talking about your dreams, am I right?

DAVID: I tend to remember my dreams when I donít sleep well.

KATZ: Well, you know, David. We tend to those things in our dreams that weíre afraid to when weíre awake .... And weíre happiest when our lives and our dreams coincide.

DAVID: You know I used to believe the kind of thing that youíre saying ....

KATZ: You mean the Truth?

DAVID: Iím not sure that I believe that dreams are .... working out .... life. Sometimes I think that dreams are the true reality and life is the simulacrum.

KATZ: [pause] It certainly is.

DAVID: Yeah, life is a reflection of the real reality which is when youíre .... dreaming.

KATZ: [pause, pretends to get it] Ah, yes. Yes.


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