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From Dr. Katz, Comedy Central, June 29,
Transcribed by CarriK
talking to LAURA in the reception area. He is wearing a black T-Shirt that
DAVID: Do you have a .... do you have a
place where I can sit where not everybody in the office sees me .... where I
just be alone. Before I go in there. Kind of like in a game show.
LAURA: [over it] You could go in there.
DAVID: Go in where?
LAURA: In the broom closet.
DAVID: Is it ....[clears his throat] Iím
just going to go in the broom closet.
LAURA: Mm hm.
DAVID: I just have this thing that I
donít want everybody to see ....
[He goes into the broom closet. Pause.]
DAVID: [muffled voice from the closet] Is
there a light?
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Whose coat
is this? Is this .... is this the Doctorís coat?
[Inside the closet, DAVID is wearing a red coat and a yellow hat.]
LAURA: Yes thatís Doctor Katzís coat.
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Itís warm.
[long pause] Is there .. Is there anybody else out there since I went in here?
[Inside, DAVID tries to open the door.]
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Hey, uh
.... itís locked.
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Thatís
LAURA: Kind of.
[KATZ comes from his office to the reception area.]
KATZ: Hey, Laura.
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Is that
.... is that Dr. Katz?
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Yeah.
KATZ: [looking around] David I hear you
but I donít ..... Laura, what did you do to David?
LAURA: I didnít do it!
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Well, Iím
in the broom closet today Ďcause I just felt like I wanted to shake things up.
KATZ: [standing in front of closet door]
DAVID: [voice from the closet] I wanted
to do something ballsy.
KATZ: You know, you can be ballsy in the
waiting room like everybody else.
[DAVID in the closet still wearing the coat and hat.]
DAVID: [voice from the closet] No, no. I
want to have my session from in here.
KATZ: Well, David, this is really ....
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Iím just
KATZ: Youíve taken control of the broom
closet, so far.
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Well, why
canít .... it .. are you dead set against this?
KATZ: No, no, Iím not even convinced itís
such a bad idea ....
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Hey, is
this .... is this gum in your jacket?
KATZ: Yeah. You can help yourself if you
want. Itís uh ....
DAVID: [voice from the closet] [clears
KATZ: It is, isnít it?
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Yeah.
KATZ: Try not to touch my retainer.
[LAURA stifles a laugh.]
DAVID: [voice from the closet] Being in
here reminds me of a .... of a very fond....
[BEN enters, spreads his arms wide.]
KATZ: hey, Ben. Whatís happening.
BEN: Hey, Dad.
LAURA: Hey, Ben.
BEN: [jittery from lots of coffee,
clapping hands] Laura. Laura!
KATZ: [tries to interupt]
BEN: [singing] Whatís up! What are we
KATZ: Ben, ..... in addition to me and
Laura, thereís also a patient in the broom closet. Specail treat.
BEN: [winks] Right. Sure there is.
The.eís always a patient in the broom closet. Of course.
[KATZ tries to stop him, but BEN crosses to the closet and begins banging
on the door.]
BEN: [screaming] Hey buddy get out of the
closet!! You crazy??!!! You crazy!!!! Come on out OUT OUT OUT!!!!!
[KATZ covers his face with his hands.]
[Later, DAVID and KATZ are in KATZís office.]
KATZ: David .... maybe we should try a
different angle here ....
DAVID: When you say my name, it uh,
worries me a little bit when you say it like that.
KATZ: Yeah, well .... I get the feeling
when you come in here each week, youíre like the kid who hasnít really done
[Shot of DAVID looking about 8 years old, nervous.]
KATZ: And I think, thatís an issue.
DAVID: Well ....
KATZ: Because I feel like youíre trying
to cover for yourself, like youíre making up problems, youíre inventing
problems but youíre not allowing real feelings to surface because itís one
thing to be happy on paper but itís another thing to get in touch with those
feelings and that Ďs why youíre here. Iím guessing.
DAVID: Mm hm.
KATZ: So let me put you in touch with
those feelings. You have a pencil?
DAVID: You going to give me my homework
KATZ: Iím going to give you your home
[Cut to scene with BEN and LAURA. Later.]
KATZ: Some people come here because they
like the privacy, because they know for an hour, theyíre not going to get any
DAVID: [arms crossed] I donít like you
talking about other people.
KATZ: [defensive] I donít like you
talking about other therapists.
DAVID: [laughs uncomfortably] Well, you
asked me if Iíd ever been to therapy before, and I told you Iíd been with a
woman and I donít know how that would be threatening.
KATZ: The fact that sheís a woman is not
the part thatís threatening. [pause] Whatíd she look like?
DAVID: You know what she did for me? She
took my side on everything.
KATZ: Yeah. Well, I can do that.
[Cut to scene with BEN and LAURA.]
[Later that week. Office with DAVID.]
KATZ: So, are you sleeping better?
DAVID: Better than ....?
KATZ: Iím sorry, David, Iím kidding, but,
um, last time you were here we were talking about your dreams, am I right?
DAVID: I tend to remember my dreams when
I donít sleep well.
KATZ: Well, you know, David. We tend to
those things in our dreams that weíre afraid to when weíre awake .... And
weíre happiest when our lives and our dreams coincide.
DAVID: You know I used to believe the
kind of thing that youíre saying ....
KATZ: You mean the Truth?
DAVID: Iím not sure that I believe that
dreams are .... working out .... life. Sometimes I think that dreams are the
true reality and life is the simulacrum.
KATZ: [pause] It certainly is.
DAVID: Yeah, life is a reflection of the
real reality which is when youíre .... dreaming.
KATZ: [pause, pretends to get it] Ah,
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