Transcribed by Laura
June 5, 2001
Watch the video clip and/or View the photos.

Part 1
Audience screaming and cheering - DD appears stage left wearing gray pants, white T-shirt and loose dark green olive overshirt. They shake hands and sit - Craig unconsciously uses one hand to brush his hair back behind his ear. He appears to notice something about DD's hair and pointedly, using both hands, does an exaggerated flicking-hair-behind-the-ears-thing all the while staring at the top of DD's head. DD pretends to think that Craig is looking at something to DD's right and turns away to look. Looking back to find Craig leaning forward pointing at the top of DD's hair, DD hastily leans away from Craig looking amused but puzzled. It is the Evolution promotion tour 'hair', still with subtle blond highlights with the top fairly short and consequently bits are sticking up - cowlicks. Its been 'poofed' by Hair-n'-Makeup with overtones of 'bedhead'. The audience is still screaming so we can't really hear what they're saying. Craig picks up a hand mirror <presumably his own for last minute checks>, holds it up to DD's face and puts a hand on his shoulder.

CRAIG <looking at the spikes in the 'hair'>: Is that... ... ? did you plan that... ... ... ..? <DD takes the mirror, looks at the 'hair', runs his hand over the top and returns the mirror to Craig>

DD: How's that look...?

<The audience? Still screaming... ... DD makes a 'cut it/stop' motion to them.>

CRAIG: Its just... I like you... .I like your hair... ..I like your look. <points to 'the hair'> is this planned?... ... .. do you work on that? <reaches out to touch 'the hair'>

DD: Ermmmm... ..I have many people that work on it! As you probably do, we have hair concept meetings before the show. We came up with... ... .he's Italian so ah... my guy, my hair guy. So we came up with the 'concetti' which is 'the concept'... the 'concetti' of ... ... ... ... .and then he said something like <garbled Italian pronounced by a native New Yorker - result? completely unintelligible>

CRAIG: Right! Just for the young people, he's talking out of his ass right now. Do people call you ah... ... people call you... ... <leans towards DD>

DD: I'm a big fan! I like that way you lean in!

CRAIG: Usually there's cleavage so... .

DD: I like it on TV I don't like so much right now!

CRAIG: Do people call you 'Duchovs'? All I want to do is say 'Duchovs' is on ... ..'Duchovs' is on ... ...

DD: They call me Duke!

CRAIG: Duke?

DD: I was just back in New York playing ball at my High School

CRAIG: Baseball?, football?

DD: No, basketball!

CRAIG: Oh, you play basketball? <feigns surprise>

DD: You're gooood! So yeah, actually I was playing ball with all of my old high school friends and the coach actually had a tape of a game that we had played , when we were... ... you know, like back in the 1930s when I went to High School! Well, actually it seemed like the 1930s because there wasn't even like, video tape. They didn't even have video tape when I went to High School. It was like a reel to reel audio tape and he said 'I'd love for you to get it transferred'. I said, 'Oh that'll be great, I'll have it transferred, give it to all the guys'. So I sent it back to LA and I had my assistant try to transfer it and they called and said they said 'Er... ..you're not interested in this video!' and I said 'Why not?' and he said 'Well, its all blank and then at the end there's 3 minutes of wrestling!'

CRAIG: Oh! Not good!

DD: Well then I looked at it and I realized that was the basketball game and I wasn't as good as I thought I was!

CRAIG: You weren't as good... You're not as quick, not as strong... ... . <Audience clapping>

CRAIG: Hey, you were on the X Files for 8 years, right? you kinda... ... right?

<Whooping> DD: Yeah...

CRAIG: You grew up in front of us!

DD: That’s sweet!

CRAIG: Little David grew up in front of us!

DD: Yeah, yeah I grew up on TV.

CRAIG: And are you officially leaving , is it history history?

DD: Yeah, yeah ... ...

CRAIG: What drove you away, why..?

DD: Too many aliens, really!

CRAIG: Yeah?

DD: Just too many damn aliens! Its tiring, its more tiring than it looks... ..

CRAIG: Yeah.

DD: But the interesting thing about the character was, like, he was fighting aliens for eight years, horrible mutants, serial killers and the only thing that could actually drive him away was fatherhood!

CRAIG: Yes! You were the father...?

DD: Well, I don't know. Obviously I can't tell you. If I'm the father, I don't know. I'm not just saying that because I'm...

CRAIG: You accepted that you... ...

DD: I just saying that because... .. Well, you know, I'm not making a joke - but I don't know

CRAIG: You kissed her!

DD: If the father was Mulder I wouldn't know either because its like, a test-tube baby as well...

CRAIG: Yes.

DD: Because there was no hanky-panky...

CRAIG: None of that! And you... later you had your first kiss with her... .

DD: First you have the baby then you kiss on the X Files!

CRAIG: See, that is alien, that’s strange... ...

DD: If, all the world were like that...

CRAIG: ... ... it would be nice... ... what about Evolution? Do we need to talk about that? Are you excited?

DD: I think its really funny, its really very funny and I hope you'll all go see it. I reminds me of Ghostbusters which was a movie I loved when I was... ... it was back in the 1930s, wasn't it? And er...

Craig <mock outrage>: You're comparing it to Ghostbusters! One of the great comedies of all time. I loved Bill Murphy! <audience cheers, DD looks at them and smiles broadly and moves as though to get from his chair and leave. Craig makes an apologetic gesture and waves him back down>

CRAIG: I'm sorry, no er...

DD: Same director, Ivan Reitman.

CRAIG: Oh, it must be... ...

DD: The creator of the genre of the big science fiction comedy! which is what this is!

CRAIG : So what does Bill... ... does Bill have a cameo? Is he in...? What does Bill...?

DD: That’s not a 'not funny' joke but actually Dan Ackroyd has a... ..Dan Ackroyd does have a cameo in it.

<pats Craig consolingly on the hand and then leans towards him in manner that Craig was doing to DD earlier.>

CRAIG: 'Eeehewwwwwww' <Craig leans back jokingly> <a lot of audience whooping>

CRAIG: So you proud of it? I get tired of actors coming on...

DD: Well, I know you... ok, go ahead... ...

CRAIG: ... ..and talking about the movie ... ...

D: Its your show!

CRAIG: and what its about... Tell me high jinks behind the scenes!

DD: You mean like the E! Entertainment thing?

CRAIG: Yeah!

DD: Actually there was a guy named Seann William Scott who was in erm... ..

CRAIG: Hot young actor!

DD: Hot young actor... ... <draws out the 'r' and then we see why because suddenly there's a head shot of Seann on camera close up. DD was waiting for the head shot to appear>

DD: And he was...

CRAIG: Oh, yeah, H.O.T.!

DD: He was in 'American Pie'.

CRAIG: Yeah, uh humm.

DD: And he's a great guy and we fell into like an older brother/younger brother dynamic immediately. I never had a younger brother so I enjoyed abusing him <audience chuckles> and what happened wa... ... what I started to do was I snuck into his trailer and I would hide food behind the cushions!

CRAIG: Ohhhh, high jinks! yeah.

DD: ... in his pants... ...

CRAIG: ... you would put what in his pants...?

DD: Food, you know mashed potatoes and peas...

<audience makes Eeehew noises>

CRAIG: Disgusting!

DD: You're bored on set This was funny. I put his eye-glasses in the freezer which was kind of ... ...

CRAIG: OK

DD: They came out all frozen!

CRAIG: Yeah?

DD: So, like two weeks later he would be paying for ice cream with his girl friend and come up with a handful of mashed potatoes and I thought... ... .

CRAIG: Ooh!

DD: You know I... ... thought of him going <grits out> 'Duchovny!' <audience breaks in whooping and applause - DD makes cutting motions to the audience to make them stop>

DD: I'm sorry... ... <grits again> 'Duchov!

CRAIG: Duchov!, there I like that!

DD: So, he got it into his head somehow... .when I started with the food, he... ... became convinced that I had actually... .that I would relieve myself in his trailer... <shrugs shoulders as if so say 'I don't know why'>

CRAIG: Wait a second! He found out it was you and he said 'Oh my God, what's he going to do next?'

DD: Obviously, but then he became obsessed with the idea that I was relieving myself in his trailer... ..

CRAIG: That you'd take a... ... ..

DD: And that I would defecate as well!

CRAIG <horrified>: Whoa! Whoa!!!!!!

DD: You can't say defecate on your show?

CRAIG: You can not say defecate on here! You can say 'poopy' or 'take a Duchovny'!

DD: I would prefer 'poopy'

CRAIG: 'Poopy', OK.

DD: Ah, so he became obsessed with the idea that I would take a 'poopy'... ..

CRAIG: ... ..now that’s odd that he... ... ..

DD: ... ..in his trailer... ... ..

CRAIG: ... ... .why would he... ..

DD: ... a poopy and a pee-pee!

CRAIG: ... ... .why would he... ... .

DD: That’s how I talk to my daughter! <sing songs> Poopy, pee-pee, poopy, pee-pee, poopy!!

CRAIG: Why would Seann take the leap to that?

DD: I don't know, that’s like... ..when you get him on the show you'll have to ask what happened to him in his childhood.

CRAIG: I don't know if he's going to get on the show... .

DD: Well you should have him - he's a great, great kid but you know what he didn't understand is I would never ever defecate ah... ... 'poopy' I would never poopy or pee-pee in his trailer but actually, you know, I would pay somebody to do that... .

CRAIG: See!, I knew... ... <looks at camera> When we come back 5 questions to David Duchovny!

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Part 2
CRAIG: Welcome back! David Duchovny, star of... ... ...

DD interrupting: I love your band! <deep irony>

CRAIG: Yeah, it’s a good band, right? We don't show 'em! <no band is visible on the set> It’s a mystery, kinda subtle that way...

DD: Do you know that if you go to a Broadway show, now, especially because they're so expensive, that you will have a conductor conducting canned music like that! <mines conducting an orchestra>

CRAIG: Ooooh!

DD: So You should have a band leader like a Paul Shaiffer or you know... ..a foil so that you don't have to carry so much weight all yourself and then...

CRAIG: I like carrying the young(?) demo on my back... ..

DD: You may like it... !

CRAIG: Yeah!

DD: But for them its hell! <gesturing to the audience who laugh>

CRAIG: Ah, little jokey joke! Are you worried ... ... 'Evolution' ... .are you worried about the competition? 'Pearl Harbor' came out... ...

DD: Yeah, well, its big blockbuster season, the summer is. But I'm not... .well, I mean I saw 'Pearl Harbor', that’s... .its awesome and everything but I had a weird... ... .I mean, it didn't really play when I saw it. It just didn't work! It was weird. You know sometimes you see a movie and you're with an audience that like, doesn’t go with it? <mimes plane taking off>

CRAIG: Sure!

DD: And then you get affected by that and then all of a sudden you're sitting there like that <crosses arms> and you're like not going with it too?

CRAIG: Yeah, yeah!

DD: And I saw with an all Japanese audience!

CRAIG: Oh! you see... ... .! because you're a world traveler, you're over in Tokyo a lot!... ..

DD: So what happened was... ..like in the beginning when the bombs were flying, it was... ... .. They did the polling afterwards and it was like at the beginning - great, great, great, great... ... . <draws a horizontal line in the air with his finger> and then just steadily... ... <the finger drops downward towards the floor> ... .they didn't like it after that!

CRAIG: You watch how quickly they shift! You're a bright guy. You went to Princeton which is a good school. <DD feigns surprise> Like, it’s a notch below the Stanfords and North Westerns but ... ... <audience (and DD) howl with laughter. I think Craig went to North Western? DD leans back in his chair and takes along look at Craig> ... .you're a bright guy and you got to show off how bright you are on 'Who Wants to be a Millionaire?' with er... ..

DD ironically: Oh, yeah, yeah!

CRAIG: ... ... .with Regis Philben? How'd that go?

DD: Umm... ..well... .I... ... ..you know its for charity, of course?

CRAIG: Its for charity.

DD: Wouldn't it be great if celebrities actually went on trying to win money!

CRAIG: Cos they all need more money!

DD: Right, so 'Give me more money! I'm going to stop at $200,000 cos I don't need any money. I don't want to get any wrong!'

CRAIG: Did you get any wrong?

DD: Well, what happened was... .well you know its for charity so... ..

CRAIG: Oh, you weren't trying!

DD: No! I was trying harder. Harder than I would normally and I was the first one on and there was no precedent, I didn't know, I was in uncharted territory, uncharted celebrity game show territory... ...

CRAIG: Get to the story, man!

DD: So the question was something about...

CRAIG: What's the money at right now?

DD: the question... ..oh, ah, $250,000?

CRAIG: Whoa!!!!

DD: Well, it getting up there!

CRAIG: Whoooof!

DD: and I lose a lifeline when my wife had completely left me in the lurch where she said like, two seconds left, she said like 'Honey, you're so screwed'! <makes buzzer noise>

<audience howl with laughter>

DD: People laugh in the audience but... you know... .

CRAIG: Sure!

DD: I guessed and I was right on that one and then so the question was 'Good luck among them, English' is the last line... .

CRAIG: Say it again please!

DD: 'Good luck among them, English' is the last line of what movie?

CRAIG: OK.

DD: So ermm... <ticks off on his fingers> Witness, Wyatt Earp, Braveheart and something else. And I'd seen Witness, 'something else' and Wyatt Earp! I hadn't seen Braveheart and I didn't recognize the line so I said Braveheart and it was wrong

CRAIG: Its Witness, isn't it?

DD: <makes a face at Craig like 'Oh, well its easy for you!'> It must be that North Western education! Well, it would be that North Western education because he was out at the movies while I was studying! <audience yells - C points at C and DD returns the gesture and they almost get into a finger war>

CRAIG: So, you got it wrong... .

DD: So I got it wrong and... .then I leave and then I realize, you know, you see the question there and the line is from the Amish guy to Harrison Ford at the end. He says 'Good luck among them comma English' cos he's addressing him... .

CRAIG: He's addressing a person.

DD: There was no comma!

CRAIG: There was no comma?

DD: There was no comma!

CRAIG: You thought it was the people, the English people?

DD: Well, that’s the way it was punctuated. So, I went home and I was like, there was no comma, there was no comma <does a 'thinker's pose> . And I was like, how much of an egg-head, sour grapes idiot do you want to seem by actually complaining about this to anybody. So I think I've waited two years now so I'm... .

CRAIG: Now, you're complaining!

DD: Now I'm going to be an egg-head, sour grapes idiot! I think that there should have been a comma, and without a comma... I think... .I think I need a recount!

CRAIG <agreeing>: Get that... ... ... <audience howls approval over the top of what Craig's saying while DD nods slowly>

CRAIG to audience: We gotta to hustle, we have to hustle... ... ...

DD: <mumbling>: We just got started!

CRAIG: ... ... we're running out of time. <turns to DD> I want to point something out that we played basketball in the past. We met... ... ..you played in college and we met and we played ball somewhere... ... Shandling!... ...

DD: Yeah, yeah, yeah... ...

CRAIG: Garry Shandling and you did a nice bounce pass to me on a pick and roll(?) that meant a lot to me

DD: Yeah, yeah... .<smiles> I don't remember that... ... ..

CRAIG: ... .but today they say Duchovs going to do the show... .

DD: 'Duchovs'?

CRAIG: ... .. and he says if Craig wants to play ball, we'll play ball

DD: Ah, well, I thought we'd have nothing to talk about so if we're playing ball we distract them with movement! <mimes playing ball - ducking and weaving>

CRAIG: Yeah, yeah, very good!

DD: We're not really talking about anything!

CRAIG: ... ..and then you said and now I guess... .

DD: <repeating to the ball mime> That's how I play ball!

CRAIG: Right! <whoop from audience>

you know, I had that idea... ... <DD's hands never stop moving when he's talking and I think he just accidentally touched Craig's knee or something on his desk but its almost out of shot> Sorry! <apologizing> ... ... I had an idea for that white man Nike advert

CRAIG: Oh, yeah <A Nike advert running on stations in the US, shows black Basketball players showing off their ball skills>

DD: but I think they should have been trying harder, honestly but talk to your producer about that

CRAIG: He also said 'We can play ball with Craig or if he wants, what the heck... ..', this is Duchovs speaking! 'We can dance!' <DD smirks and nods agreement - wild cheers> I can tell you, I have... <DD gets part way out of his chair as if to get up and dance, sits back and does the ball mime again> ... ... no desire to dance! Coming up in 5 questions, we will either... .. <DD starts dancing in his seat doing a kind of side-to-side swaying thing>... ... .play basketball ... ... .<more silent dancing from DD> or break and dance right after this. Stay with us! <cheering and clapping>

COMMERCIAL BREAK

Part 3
CRAIG: Well, now, we're back with David Duchovny! It's time for 5 questions, here we go!

CRAIG: Geography - where is the CIA headquartered? Geography. <question appears at the bottom of the screen>

CRAIG: <to DD> I hope you know that.

DD: <clearly guessing> erm... ..Washington?

CRAIG: Langley, Virginia! We can't accept that! <loud 'wrong answer' buzzer noise> <DD makes disappointed face>

CRAIG: <mock consolingly> There wasn't a comma there! I'm sorry! <audience awwwwwhhhs> <DD is nodding as if to say 'good point'! He points to Craig who flinches>

CRAIG: I have never flinched this much, except with Ben Stein, I flinched

DD: it worked

CRAIG: Oh, this category is fun with numbers!

DD: Oh!

CRAIG: Within 3 years, <reaches along the desk to get a magazine and holds it up to DD> how old is Playmate of the Year Brande Roderick? Within 3 years... ..<holds magazine cover to camera> there she is... .there she is right... ...oh, look there's a little message to Craig! ... . We don't wanna see that! <pages through magazine whilst holding it away from camera> I'm gonna show you another picture, I don't know if you need to see that... ... ..just to see within 3 years how old... ... they can't see this but... ... <opens magazine but shows to DD not to camera>

DD: <looking at picture> Let me just see her likes and dislikes cos that would give me... .

CRAIG: Its not in there. This is the Playmate of the Year and they don't have that... ..she's not the centerfold... ..

DD: Oh... ... .oh... ..within 3 years? She's... .. ah... .um... ..I'd say, 23.

CRAIG: Yeah. 26. That is correct, ladies and gentlemen... ... ... .

<DD makes a fist into the air - audience whoops>

CRAIG: Better food to eat cold and next day: chicken or pizza? Chicken or pizza? It's in the fridge. You're going in <to the fridge> the next day... ...

<DD scrunches up his face - thinking>

CRAIG: ... ... ..you grab... ..

DD: Pizza!

<Craig makes a sort of sad sigh gesture with his shoulders>

DD: No? Chicken? <incredulous>

CRAIG: You know, I think its chicken... ...

DD: Yeah?

CRAIG: but it's incorrect. I'm sorry! <buzzer 'wrong answer' noise - audience agrees with Craig>

CRAIG: People want cold pizza, <leaning towards DD for emphasis> people love cold pizza... ... ... but cold chicken is great! Am I leaning in?

DD: You get gelatinous... with that fat... ... <rubs thumb and index finger together>

CRAIG: I love that... ..I love that word 'gelatinous'... ... I like 'gelatinous' and I like 'coagulate'. OK, here we go! 5 seconds on the clock! He's... ..is he... ..? No he's doing OK! No, he's struggling! he's struggling! well, now that’s great. <clock appears on the screen reading '05'>

DD: Well, the first one was tough!

CRAIG: <taunting> 'Mr Ivy League'! OK! <DD raises his eyebrows> 5 seconds on the clock. Name 5 words with the letter "X" in them in 5 seconds. Doesn't have to start with "X". Name 5 words with the letter "X" in them in 5 seconds. Go!

DD: Time out! Time out! <making the letter "T" gesture for time out> Can I call time?

CRAIG: Yeah, time out.

DD: Right

CRAIG: Don't start the clock! <gestures to the clock keeper off screen>

DD: 20 seconds! <puts one hand on each shoulder>

CRAIG: Yeah, sure!

DD: OK, go! <makes 'dropping the flag/start' gesture to Craig>

Xylophone, xerox, ox, oxen! Ha, ha! erm... ..<buzzer goes>

CRAIG: Oh! You got 4!

<audience makes awwwwwhhhhh noises>

CRAIG: he used his time... ... he's the only one who knows

DD: <shrugs ruefully> I lost... ... .

CRAIG: ... ... .that you get '20'! He's the only one that used it!

DD: I laughed at my own joke and I blew it!

CRAIG: Yeah! OK.

DD: Let that be a lesson to you all!

CRAIG: You need this to avoid the Cathy Ireland one... .

DD: Right!

CRAIG: <not looking down at his question cards like he has for the last four questions>... .and this actually is the moment of truth... ..are we going to go play basketball or are we going to dance? Ah, I've got a basketball right here. Tell me please, please tell me... .. <holds up a basketball>... ... you want to hoop. <This appears as Question 5 across the bottom of the screen> <There's a long pause... ... ..no one makes a sound - I don't think Craig is even breathing - DD stares at the ball and appears to be thinking. He licks his lips and says quietly>

DD: I want to dance... ... ...

<The place irrupts - the cheering and whooping continues whilst they both get up. Craig takes off his jacket. This description of the dance sequence is from Cathy of Chimerical who was at the taping of the show. It is the best description of the sequence I've read and I couldn't put it any better - thanks again Cathy - you go girl!>

"They move to center stage. The lights come down and a mirrored disco ball starts going and some really awful disco music starts playing. David and Craig start to dance. David suddenly becomes a 7th grader at his first dance. Head down, looking shy, hands shoved deep in pockets and he slightly shuffles his feet. Bobs his head just a little. The music picks up he and Kilborn start getting into it, as the music goes on, he becomes loser. And then loser and then loser. Soon he and Kilborn are bumping and grinding up a choreographed storm together. (I'm told this bit was apparently all David's idea)"

<The audience are still cheering - Craig makes the 'cut it' motion with his arm and DD stops mid-movement. DD seems surprised that they've stopped so soon.>

CRAIG: We'll be right back. I got scared! We'll be right back! <audience resume cheering and DD starts clapping - they turn to each other and start talking - we can't hear - the sound is faded down and the cheering gets louder. The camera pans up and away. Fade to black.>

Transcript courtesy of Laura.