If youíre reading this and youíve never seen TFI Friday before, then some bits may seem strange! Chris Evans is the presenter and he has a sidekick called Worthers. Worthers is usually in the studio, holding up cue cards and chipping in with the odd joke. This week, in honour of Minnie Driver being on the show, Worthers has been sent out in the pouring rain to find someone driving a mini (mini driver!) and has to get him/her to say hello to Minnie Driver.
Also, TFI is a very quick & chatty show so transcribing it was a bit of an uphill task to say the least! I hope some of it makes sense!!
On with the show!Ö
CE = Chris Evans, DD = David Duchovny, MD = Minnie Driver, W = Worthers
David and Minnie walk in through the audience - lots of clapping and cheering. David is wearing a light blue sweater, beige khakiís and dark brown shoes (looking very sexy!).
Chris Evans stand to welcome them Ö
CE Welcome David [they shake hands] take a seat. So do you like it? [points to the set]. Is it OK? Is it rocking for you?
DD Itís a party.
CE Are you happy?
DD Yeah [points] - thereís a party over there too.
CE Itís all going on.
CE Hey now listen. Iíve got a brother called David.
DD Thatís amazing!
CE And my mumís called Minnie.
MD No! Iíve only ever met donkeys called Minnie. No offence.
CE Thatís OK.
[DD & MD both laugh]
MD I promise you, Iíve only ever met Welsh donkeys. Iíve met four of them.
CE Well, my familyís Welsh and Iím not joking. On my motherís life Ö she was named after a donkey!
CE She was, honest to goodness. They had a donkey and it died, and she was born the day after so they called her Minnie. Itís true!
[MD is now laughing a lot!]
CE Thereís something going on, David, here. Figure it out, pal.
DD [smiling] I knew you were going to go there.
CE No, no Ö Iím not going to go there. Believe me, weíre going nowhere near there. I promise you.
So listen you two. Why donít you just get it together?
[cheers from the audience]
DD In what way?
CE In real life.
MD Oh, stop it!
CE Go on!
DD Right now? Right here, on the table? [slaps hand on top of the table]
CE No, no Ö permanently!
[lots of cheering from the audience]
CE Well, maybe right now if you want! Go on Ö
DD Well thereís just two problems. That she has a boyfriend, and Iím married. But other than that Ö!
CE I know, I know Ö itís a slight problem. But see, in the film - your new film - you get on so well.
DD Thatís right.
CE [to Minnie] Do you get on that well with your boyfriend? Like you do with David in the film? I donít believe you do.
MD I do actually.
CE As good as that?
MD Well thatís scripted, you know. I could do with a script now and again with my boyfriend. You know what I mean? Who couldnít, really.
DD You donít get scripts at home to act out?
MD Yes - I sometimes get people to write our relationship.
CE David, do you honestly get on as well with your wife as you did with Minnie in the film? Honestly?
DD [pauses, thinking deeply!! Looks to audience for help] Uh. What do you think I should answer? Uh, yes I do, I do. Sure I do. Yeah!
CE You do? OK. Fair enough, thatís a good answer.
Were you pleased to hear that Minnie was cast opposite you in this film?
CE Is there anyone you would have preferred?
DD [laughs, looking at Minnie]
MD [laughing] Steady on!
DD [laughs again]
CE You know Iíve got a list here. What about Uma Thurman? Come on.
DD [pretending not to hear right] Eema?
CE Uma. Uma Thurman.
DD Uma Thurman! Uh no. I wouldnít have preferred her.
CE What about Ellen Barking, Ďcause I think sheís sexy.
DD Alan Barking?
CE Ellen Barking.
DD I would have preferred Alan Barking!
CE Is that Ellenís husband?
What about Bridget Fonda?
DD No. No, no, no, no!!
[audience join in, generally against Chrisís suggestion!]
CE [to audience] Iím just asking the questions. Itís all Iím here for!
MD Theyíre just all snoozy blondes. No offence or anything!
CE OK. Well, OK. [to Minnie] Would you have preferred anybody other than David opposite you in this particular film?
MD No. Obviously.
[someone from the audience shouts out ĎBrad Pittí!]
DD [raises eyes to ceiling, to audience] Thank you very much!
MD Brad Pitt? [shakes head no]
CE Brad Pitt! Come on Ö Brad Pitt! Come on!
CE Christian Slater?
MD Already did that movie.
CE I like your film, I think itís a good film. I think your film is the best of its sort since When Harry Met Sally. Have you seen that movie?
DD Yes I have.
MD Yes, I like that.
DD I like it very much.
CE Do you think your film is better or worse than When Harry Met Sally?
MD Yes, better.
CE Yes? Why?
DD ĎCause itís newer.
CE ĎCause itís newer?
DD Well you havenít seen it yet.
CE Iíve seen it.
DD [points to audience] Well they havenít seen it.
CE The thing about it is, well, I tried to explain on the radio this morning what it was about. But you canít actually say anything about it, Ďcause youíd give it away.
MD Well, what you can say is that itís such an incredibly far-fetched premise that makes you Ö
DD [interrupting, to audience - with sarcasm!] That makes you want to see it, doesnít it!?
MD No, but if you heard it. If you heard it you wouldnít believe it!
[David reaches over to cover Minnieís mouth with his hand, which she bats away]
MD [to David] No, stop!
[to audience] You wouldnít believe it!
CE Theyíre like a couple anyway, arenít they?!
[David and Minnie laugh]
MD [still trying to finish her point!] Ö that it was true or could happen. Bit it is dead funny and it is dead sad. And someone is dead in it!
DD [looks at his watch, pretending to be bored! Raises eyebrows to audience]
CE No, no, thatís good! ĎCause itís dead funny, dead sad, and someoneís dead. Now thatís alright!
So, you have a heart transplant in it. We can say that.
MD Yes. Itís a big laugh, that one! Itís obviously not funny at all.
CE Have you ever had a heart transplant in real life?
DD Yes Ö she did it in order to prepare for the movie.
CE Did you?
DD Thatís the kind of actor she is.
CE Have you ever had an operation, David, in real life?
DD No, I canít talk about it!
CE Come on!
MD He had a brain transplant!
CE Did he? No, have you had an operation really?
DD Well, I had an operation.
CE Which one was your favourite?
DD My favourite? [laughing] Umm Ö
CE If you had to have an operation, which one would you have?
DD Umm Ö
[someone from the audience shouts Ďboob opí!]
MD [nudges David, egging him on] Go on, tell them. Tell them!
DD What? A boob op? Well, actually yeah. Thereís a movie that Iím interested in doing where a guy actually gets breast implants on a bet for $100,000.
MD Thatís a true story.
CE Is it a true story?
DD So I might be getting nice big tits!
CE Is this a true story - Return to Me - is it a true story?
CE OK. Itís a great story. Weíve got a clip now. [to Minnie] This is you being all coy with your friend. I think this is a great clip. Girls, youíre really going to associate with this.
[cuts to clip of Minnie in the bath discussing first dates and leg shaving on the phone to her friend]
DD Let me just reiterate at this point that I am in the movie!
CE No, I know. We thought you might think that but weíve got another clip with you in the movie.
DD I was actually under the water!
[everyone laughs here!]
CE Thereís a gorilla in the film. Is that a real gorilla? We had a bet on it yesterday and I think itís a man in a gorilla suit.
DD/MD Itís real.
CE What, at the end when he does that [raises arms above his head] on top of the tree?
CE [to audience] Thatís how the movie ends. Itís brilliant! The gorilla goes to the top of a tree and goes like that [does the actions again]. But you have to figure out what happens up to that point!
MD [pleading, to audience!] Oh G-d, please go and see it!
DD [pleading some more!] Itís funny!
MD Itís really good [laughs].
CE Itís classic. Itís a brilliant movie.
DD And the gorilla has its legs shaved, which is appropriate!
CE [still laughing] We have to go now to Worthers for a question from the bridge.
DD Oh yeah - I like him!
MD Heís soaking wet.
DD Heís looking for a mini driver!
CE Yep. Worthers, over to you. Whatís your question?
[cut to Worthers, in the rain, on Tower Bridge]
W David, Minnie [winks - audience cheers, David & Minnie laugh], do you remember being at my level of show business?
DD/MD [both laugh a lot!]
MD Actually, I try to forget!
DD I donít think where you are is actually even yet a level!
[audience laugh until they see Worthers looking hurt, then they Ďbooí & Ďarrrhí etc!]
CE Heís so hard!
Worthers, that is their answer to your question.
W OK. Back to you!
[cut back to the studio]
MD Heís got to buy a mac really. Did you see, heís all soaking wet over his T-Shirt.
DD Heís funny. Is he always your sidekick? Or just today?
CE Is he officially a sidekick? I suppose he is. Yeah, heís great.
DD You just send him around?
CE What, here?
DD Well do you always send him out?
CE No, never. Just today.
DD Well thatís great. That is funny!
CE Just today. To look for this miniÖhang on a sec [to crew] is that right? [to audience] Thereís a mini on its way!!
MD [getting excited!] Come on!
[cut to Worthers]
W [runs across the road and flags down a mini]
[to driver] Iím Worthers from TFI Friday on Channel 4. As a mini driver, would you like to say hello to Minnie Driver?
Driver Hello Minne Driver!
W [to driver] Thank you very much.
CE Well thatís a first! Letís go back to Worthers, quickly.
MD He looks so chuffed!
CE How pleased are you! Get back here Ďcause I think they want to meet you. Literally run back here as fast as you can!
[cut back to studio, where DD is wiping a tear from his eye!]
DD How far away is he?
CE Weíve got another camera thatíll show you where he was. Letís cut to the camera outside. [pauses, listens to his earpiece] Why have you turned it off? Why? Why? Why have you turned it off before the showís over?
[crew member shouts out Ďyou donít want to knowí]
CE Yeah, I do!
[Ďwe re-cabled for the band!í]
CE You re-cabled for the band? Oh, so thatís how much you care for little Worthers out there!
CE [to Minnie] You know you had that big scar in the movie?
CE And thereís a problem with that, because you donít want to tell him a) about the cosmetics of your scar, and b) how it happened.
CE Right. Is that true? Do people who have had heart operations - ladies - do they worry about how they look?
MD Do you know, the women that I met - some of them are conscious of it. Some of them show it and are proud of it, and some of them wear high jumpers all the time and never show it to anybody. But most are just glad to be alive.
CE [to David] When you first saw the scar, prosthetic as it was, what did you think?
DD I never saw the scar. I never saw it. Every scene that I do with Minnie, sheís covering the scar.
CE Youíve seen the film though, havenít you?!
DD [pauses, thinking!] Yeah!
CE So you saw it in the film.
DD Oh youíre right! I did see it in the film! What did I think of it?
CE I think scars can be sexy, donít you?
DD Oooh yeah! In a lumpy kind of way.
CE OK. In a lumpy kind of way.
DD Youíre making fun of my accent!!
CE No Iím not!
Letís see a bit of the movie that youíre in.
DD [smiling] Oh yeah, my movie!
[cuts to clip of David and Minnie dancing together]
CE Keep the music going.
[Worthers comes in]
Minnie, if youíd like to dance with Worthers your hero!
[all three of them (DD, MD, W) dance, then David takes over and dances with just Worthers]
This is where the show ends. A fun time was had by all!!