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The Tonight Show With Jay Leno
March 23, 2000
photo photo photo photo photo

Jay Leno: My first guest stars in 'The X-Files' and has a new movie called 'Return To Me', it opens next Friday, a romantic film - please welcome David Duchovny! [Julie's note: RTM actually opens April 7]

[audience cheers wildly half of which is from the dozen or so people I know in the audience :-)]

[David walks out, waves, shakes Jay's hand, hugs Jay, sits.]

JL: Welcome!

David Duchovny: Thanks. Thank you.

[audience screams]

JL: I understand you reached an important milestone recently.

DD: I did. I believe the number is five hundred thousand, three hundred and something or other but I am the most downloaded photograph in Internet history.

[audience screams wildly]

JL: Oooh.

DD: It's, it's hard for me -- I'd like to thank all you fans --

[audience screams]

DD: --because, you know, you live in a vacuum a little bit and when your realize that people are actually at home downloading your image because they wanted....

[laughter]

DD: ...it just warms me a little bit...

JL: You know, I downloaded the photo myself.

DD: Did you really?

JL: Yeah.

DD: Well, that's interesting.

JL: I have it right here -- do you want me to -- should we show it to the people?

DD: Yeah, go ahead. I'm very proud of it.

JL: Show the photo. Go ahead and show it to them.

[Jay holds up a picture of David and Jennifer Lopez from the Grammys - not the picture that actually was on the Grammys site, this one is a front view of Jennifer's rather revealing dress, and David's profile is barely visible on the left hand side of the photograph]

[laughter]

JL: It's the most downloaded photo!

DD: You can see why I'm proud.

JL: You should be doubly proud!

DD: [amused] The thing is, Jay, I don't know when Jennifer snuck into that picture behind me. She's in the back of my driver's license, too.

JL: Really? That kinda town, those things happen.

DD: Yeah, she's quick. [to audience] So, thank you, thank you all.

[applause]

JL: Now, you know, I gotta show you what I found. I found something at the toy store. I know how popular 'The X-Files' are and...

[Jay reaches behind David's seat for something]

DD: Just sneak around behind me there.

[Jay brings up an X-Files action figure in its box]

JL: You remember this toy?

DD: Oh, yeah, yeah, well -- it's not a toy.

JL: Oh, I mean, I'm sorry, it's an action figure?

DD: It's an artifact.

JL: Oh, an artifact.

[laughter]

JL: I remember you telling me how hard these are to get.

DD: They are.

JL: You can't get them anywhere.

DD: I couldn't get you one, that's how hard they are to get.

JL: Okay, well, I went to the toy store, I want you to look right at the top... I believe... the original price was $13.99... it was marked down...

[camera zooms in on price tag on the box (over Mulder's forehead) - it's marked down from $13.99 to $4.99]

[laughter]

DD: Can we see that other picture again? Well, I think $4.99 is pretty good, still. I mean, it's not $2.99. It's not $1.99. You don't see many Jay Leno dolls out there, do you?

[laughter and cheers]

[Jay makes claws and meows]

DD: The interesting thing is, if you'll notice [reaches for the action figure] - if I can handle the prop - this sticker on the forehead here? My wife put one of them on me, marked me down.

JL: Really?

DD: Yeah, well, she marked me down to about $4.99 too.

JL: Hmmm...

DD: Whatever that means. I don't even know what that means.

JL: Now, I wanted to ask you this, now I know people know you from 'X-Files', but of course --

DD: Do they?

JL: -- your roots, of course, are in the theater.

DD: [laughing] -- my 'roots'. Yeah, they are.

JL: But you were a theater guy, weren't ya?

DD: Yeah, in New York.

JL: I read a story about you awhile back about an audition -- do you know what I'm talking about?

DD: Yes, yes. Uh, I had an audition for a movie called Me and Him. Which was a, uh --

[woman in audience laughs]

DD: You know that movie well? I didn't get it... well, it was about a guy and his penis.

[audience laughs]

DD: This was a big movie, though -- this was a --

JL: I see why you didn't get it. [off David's insulted look and groans from the audience] That was a bad joke. I'm sorry, I'm sorry! I couldn't help it, I'm sorry, I couldn't help it. Go ahead. I don't remember this film.

DD: I don't get that, Jay. I really don't get that. So 'Me' was me -- or whoever got the part, I believe it was Griffin Dunne actually -- and 'Him' was the penis. So for the audition it was like, one of my first auditions, maybe the tenth or something, and I was very excited to have an audition for a big movie, and uh, the audition was kind of a monologue but not really, because it was you talking to your penis. But you were doing both parts.

[laughter]

DD: I'm not making this up at all. So, uh, I get in there and it was directed by a woman and I think there were three women producers so I'm sitting there, and they say, "Okay, so why don't you go ahead and show us what you got."

[laughter]

DD: And, I began to read -- I began to do what I'd prepared. And, uh, the voice that I chose for my penis was something like this [speaks in falsetto voice]

[laughter]

DD: So... I mean, I was really going off the fact that if you were to give a voice to something you know, well, I'm not going to say what size, but you know, smaller than a human being, you know, that you would --

[laughter]

DD: -- that you would give it a high voice. So you know, it was kinda one of these things where I'm saying -- I'm sitting in a cafeteria and my penis says to me oh, look at that girl, look at that girl, why don't you go talk to her. [to audience] It was a little better written than that --

[laughter]

DD: -- so the, the director and the producer started laughing at me and, we stopped, and I said "Well, what's so funny?" And they said "Well, we've auditioned, you know, fifty, sixty guys and you are the first one to choose a falsetto for his penis." And I said, I explained to them why I thought that made sense, and I said, "Well, what do most penises sound like?" And they said, "Jack Nicholson."

[laughter]

JL: Really? Wow.

DD: [nodding] So apparently all the actors were coming in and it was Well, what do you think of that girl over there? Why don't you go get her, buddy? [very good Jack Nicholson impression]

[laughter]

JL: See, I like yours. I think your penis --

DD: [incredulous] You like mine?

JL: Well, it's less threatening.

[laughter]

DD: You're less threatened by what?

JL: I mean, I mean your penis is less threatening than the other one.

[laughter]

JL: 'Cause the others were like -- you have a -- it's a cute. It's cute.

DD: Don't make me show you, Jay.

[laughter and screams]

JL: There's another joke, I'm not even going to go there, but --

DD: Don't make me make it talk to you.

JL: Well, let's talk about your movie -- Return To Me, a romantic film...

DD: Yeah, is it, it's a beautiful romantic love story. And when I say beautiful I mean very funny. That's what I mean by 'beautiful' is 'funny'.

JL: Right.

DD: And it's about a guy, that'd be me, whose wife has died and he gets involved with Minnie Driver. And is more intimately involved with her than he could ever imagine. And there's some twists and turns and I'm telling you it's like no other film you've seen in the past ten years. And I say that in a good way.

JL: So I'm not going to give away -- but you work with a gorilla, there's a couple of scenes with a gorilla in the film.

DD: Yeah, yeah.

JL: Intimate would be the wrong word, but you're with a gorilla. You and the gorilla.

DD: See, I don't get that, either.

[laughter]

DD: But uh, yeah, I do a little scene with the gorilla where, my wife had worked in the, uh, zoo and uh, she had taught this gorilla sign language in communication, and after she is dead I go to the gorilla and talk to the gorilla because he had been intimate with - well, he knew my wife. [through audience laughter] And uh - don't encourage them. [of audience] It's time to take the high road here. And so, uh, I'm feeding him french fries although they aren't really french fries because gorillas can't eat fried food -- [to Jay] you've got your finger on the button, you're scaring me -- okay, the clip's coming up, I know the clip's coming up. So I, uh, we do like -- [sternly] take your finger off the button -- so we do like seven or eight takes and I'm giving him this fry, and the trainer said, "He'll put his mouth up to the bars and you'll just put the fry in his mouth. If he puts his hand out you can give the fry in his hand but it's a little dangerous because he might grab you." But the gorilla seemed to like me, they said, there was a lot of eye contact with the gorilla it was -- [to Jay] like us, right now. And, so --

[laughter]

JL: Now I don't know what that means.

DD: I'm hostile from earlier. And so I'm feeding him these zucchini strips, and after about the fifth take, I've been putting the zucchini strips in his mouth and he's just been taking them and chewing them and he goes like this [imitates removing the fry from his mouth and putting it aside]. And I was like okay, well that sucks, so let's go again, and like, we keep on doing the zucchini strip and he keeps taking it out and finally after about the ninth take I put the strip in his mouth and goes like this. [imitates taking fry from his mouth and offering it to (David)]

[laughter]

DD: He'd just had enough. And the thing was, when it was time for my coverage, he didn't come out of his trailer, he didn't give anything off-camera...

JL: Welcome to show business.

DD: Yeah.

JL: [falsetto] Well, let's take a look at your clip now.

[laughter]

DD: I recognize that voice.

JL: [falsetto] Yeah. And what's happening -- this is the scene where you --

DD: Don't make me...

[laughter and screams]

JL: Now this is the scene where you kind of get together with her for the first time.

DD: Okay, I want to set this up -- you see this hairdo right now? [RTMDavid's hair is windblown] It's very windy -- let's look at both our hairdos before we go over this clip [Minnie's hair is in a shower cap]. My hair -- it's very windblown -- it's a very windy night, we're actually covering the plants in her back yard. We barely know each other at this point, I have just met her, she was ready for bed and just came down to cover the plants and that's why she's got the shower cap on and roll.

JL: Return To Me.

Bob: [gesturing off-camera] Did you paint that? [walks over to painting on easel]
Grace: [following him over] Yeah.
Bob: Where is this, Europe?
Grace: [lifts arms in indecision] Could be.
Bob: How many times you been?
Grace: Oh, God, none. I've never been anywhere but here.
Bob: It's beautiful, wherever it is.
Grace: [taking painting from easel] I should take it inside. [pauses] I guess I paint places from my dreams.
Bob: Bet you can't wait to go to sleep. [their eyes meet, pause.] Would you go out with me?
Return to Me
Grace: Yes?
Bob: Is that a question?
Grace: No, it's a 'yes'. Yes.
Bob: Tomorrow night?
Grace: Yes.
Bob: 8:00?
Grace: Yes.
Bob: Pick you up here?
Grace: Yes.
Bob: All right, you're a very difficult woman.
Grace smiles.

[cheers and applause]

JL: Great job. Can you stick around for Boom-Boom, the port-a-potty guy?

DD: I've waited my whole life to watch the port-a-potty blow up.

JL: All right, David Duchovny, ladies and gentlemen! Return To Me, opens next Friday [once again, it's April 7]. [falsetto] David Duchovny, everybody, be right back with Boom-Boom.

Transcription courtesy of Julie.

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