---

Note: As the interview began, HS & co. were trashing Dennis Miller and discussing how easy it is for celebrities to become spoiled because of all the attention they receive.

HS: You start to get nuts. David, you know what I’m talking about, right man? It’s nuts. Look at David, how come he can have short hair. How come I can’t?

RQ: I’m saying, look at him, he just chopped off his hair, there’s a good looking guy, did he go through hell to chop off his hair, no, he just chopped it off.

HS: And he looks good, but he’s a good looking guy. How ya doing, David?

DD: I’m doing good.

RQ: I betcha he didn’t consult with 50 people before he did it.

DD: Look at that, I’ve got somebody to put my headphones on. I can’t even do that myself.

HS: Isn’t that nice. But you know what I mean, when you did X Files the movie, even moreso than on the TV show - TV shows are the same way...

RQ: Yes they are...

HS: ...as movies...

RQ: ...because they build a whole world for you there.

HS: Did you start thinking you’re real important...on a subtle level, I mean, you think you’re not caught up in it but you are...then you start getting annoyed when people don’t bring you stuff.

DD: Sometimes...what happens is you forget how to do things which is worse than anything.

HS: You get lazy.

RQ: I think Howard actually has had that happen to him.

DD: Hi, Robin.

RQ: Hi.

HS: It has. I know it. I go home, I’m mad at my wife because she doesn’t do stuff for me.

DD: Right. How do you work this toaster? What is this toaster?

RQ: And you don’t know how to get anywhere.

HS: Like my wife said to me the other night, like, take out the garbage and go clean up after the dog and I’m like...

DD: ...Do you know who you’re talking to?

HS: ...I’m going to handle dog crap? I just entertained millions.

RQ: Do you know who I am?

DD: Actually I know how to do very little and picking up dog crap is one of the things I do well, so I always raise my hand for that job.

HS: So you know what I’m talking about, it’s very uncomfortable to talk about, but you do begin to get very spoiled. You do, that’s why Dennis Miller is completely carried away with himself.

RQ: But who’s doing this for Dennis Miller?

HS: I don’t know. Maybe at the HBO show they’re getting him stuff.

DD: Well it’s like people pay so much attention to you - it’s not that you believe it, it’s just that you are talking about yourself so much that they just take it out of context and they assume that you just want to talk about yourself.

HS: But you also start to think: Maybe I’m very important. Maybe my words are very meaningful.

DD: I think some people do, but I think either you realize yourself that you’re not that important or other people make you realize that.

HS: What’s cool stuff, what are some cool things you demanded on the movie, you got your own apartment when you shoot the movie?

RQ: What are the perks?

DD: Well it was in LA, and I had just bought a house in LA so I got to live at home.

HS: So you went to the house. You get a car that picks you up and takes you home.

DD: You have the car.

RQ: You have an assistant.

DD: I have an assistant all the time now anyway. That’s my one Hollywood thing.

HS: Full time assistant. What does your assistant do?

DD: You know, when I go to the bathroom...

HS: No, you wipe yourself.

RQ: Tell us the truth.

DD: He...

HS: Oh, he? Is it a man?

DD: Yeah. He is a man.

HS: Because Téa doesn’t want you having a woman around you all the time...

DD: No, not at all.

RQ: You know, that was in the Mike Walker [from the National Enquirer] game this past week, wasn’t it, that Téa got rid of the good looking assistant?

HS: Oh yeah. We read about that.

DD: False.

HS: False?

DD: Absolutely false.

HS: Not true.

DD: Mike Walker’s not even his real name, I’m sure. [laughter]

HS: You’re telling me you didn’t...because this was a true story, right?

RQ: That’s what...it was one of the true stories.

HS: Did you have a female assistant who Téa got jealous of?

DD: Never.

RQ: The girl said she was an aspiring actress and...

Gary: She wanted to get naked for him.

RQ: Right.

HS: Is that true?

DD: [chuckling] That’s so goofy.

HS: Oh come on, man, you’re laughing like something happened. You’re busted.

DD: No. [still chuckling] It’s funny.

HS: What did it say, the girl wanted to get naked, Bababooey?

Gary: Yeah, it said she was an aspiring actress and she showed him some photos of her in the buff.

RQ: That’s right because she wanted to see about Playboy or something?

HS: Oh-oh, and none of that happened?

DD: No.

RQ: He wishes.

HS: None of this is true?

DD: I wish!

HS: You had no female assistant?

DD: No, I had a male assistant in Vancouver and he fell in love and stayed there when we were moving the show back to LA...

HS: You liked that guy...

DD: He was great. He was my key man.

HS: Right. What did he do for you?

DD: Everything. I mean he was like Radar in M*A*S*H...he would anticipate...

HS: What is everything? Anticipate what...what are your needs?

DD: I don’t know, I don’t have needs until somebody tells me what they are.

HS: Well that’s true, I was very uptight on the movie when they had this person who would follow me around and give me everything.

RQ: But you really got into it.

HS: I got into it. I said I really don’t need an assistant, I have no needs, and then suddenly I had needs for everything!

RQ: Suddenly he didn’t feel good unless his needs were being met.

HS: I said, Boy you’d be a great wife! [DD laughs] You really don’t need a wife. If you got some dough and a career...

RQ: A wife would never treat you the way she did.

HS: I got angry at my wife, like this girl takes such good care of me...

RQ: Did your wife ever hand you a fan?

HS: No!

DD: You had a fan?

HS: They would fan me down every minute!

DD: I never had that.

HS: And I liked it. At first I thought it was stupid and then I embraced it.

DD: You have to say no to that.

HS: Really?

DD: Because then it goes in increments and eventually you wind up in a diaper. [laughter]

RQ: He was close, he was very close.

HS: Well I wearing a lot of wigs and stuff so the makeup would run.

DD: There’s always an excuse, Howard, there’s always a reason.

HS: We were shooting in the summer.

RQ: Let me tell you how bad he got. He would lean back in the chair after a take and go Ohh!, and Jodi would spring forward and dab his brow and then they’d say, Makeup, Howard needs makeup!! Everybody’s screaming about what Howard needs.

HS: Well look how handsome I looked in the movie.

DD: You looked beautiful.

HS: I cut my hair a little bit, you can see it’s shorter, right.

DD: I hadn’t noticed. This wig is bothering me here.

HS: That’s the Rosie O’Donnell head.

DD: I don’t like that.

HS: You don’t like the Rosie O’Donnell head?

DD: No. It’s got jelly beans in the back.

HS: Guess how many...that’s the actual size of Rosie O’Donnell’s head...how many jelly beans do you think are in there. Take a guess.

DD: Fourteen hundred and thirty two.

HS: Is that high or low?

RQ: That’s high.

HS: I think it’s low.

RQ: Low, maybe, 1432, where are we, Bababooey?

Gary: 2000 was low.

HS: 2000 was low.

DD: I thought it was Gillian.

HS: What’s with Gillian, man, what’s her name Gillian Anderson?

DD: Yeah.

HS: I’m now watching The X Files and everything.

DD: Oh you are?

HS: Yeah. And Gillian Anderson...what is that?

RQ: ...who plays Scully.

DD: What do you want to know?

HS: Is she uptight or what, man?

RQ: No.

HS: Did you ever have sex with her before you were married to Téa?

DD: No.

HS: You didn’t?

DD: No!

HS: No desire, right?

DD: Well, no I...

HS: There’s something nonsexual about her, right?

RQ: Well, she plays that, Howard.

DD: Yes, she’s just an actress.

HS: I saw her on Rosie O’Donnell yesterday and she was playing that right there at Rosie O’Donnell too.

RQ: Maybe she’s stuck in her role, but I understand she used to be like a punk kid.

DD: That’s the story.

HS: Bull, that’s just what she’s saying to be cool. Ever feel her up or anything?

DD: No. Not intentionally...

HS: Nothing. She’s cute but...

DD: Sometimes I’m doing a scene and I slip ...

HS: ...your hand lands on her breast.

RQ: She’s had a wild time on that show, hasn’t she hooked up with some guys and sort of gotten into trouble?

DD: On the show?

HS: What banging guys?

RQ: Not as the character, in her personal life, she’s sort of ...one of the co-stars on the TV show wound up in jail or something, didn’t he?

HS: Because she was banging him?

DD: Is that right? [laughter]

RQ: Oh, stop it, David.

HS: You don’t know anything.

DD: I don’t. I don’t care.

HS: What about this sex addiction of yours, what’s going on with that?

DD: Didn’t we talk about that last time?

HS: You were in a clinic, don’t deny that.

DD: I was in a clinic?

RQ: He was in a clinic?

HS: I got it right here. This time I got notes. Here it is.

RQ: Where’s the clinic for that?

DD: I don’t know.

HS: [reading] David Duchovny has reportedly consulted with a sexual dependency clinic.

DD: Does that mean I’m dependent on sex?

RQ: That’s what he says, you’re a sex addict.

DD: No, he’s saying I’m a sexual dependent. Can you write that off on your tax?

HS: This girl wrote me a note from the Internet. Tell me if this is true, be honest about this, there’s this girl who wrote me a note, she said she’s a masseuse, she said you tried to get her to massage your digit, and she said no. You see, I’ve asked masseuses that too.

RQ: You lie.

HS: I have, I swear I have.

RQ: As a joke.

HS: They won’t do it. I have a masseuse, I asked her...

DD: This is my digit right here.

RQ: You’ve got 10 of them.

HS: Seriously, even though you’re married now, you have strong sexual needs. I understand that.

DD: OK.

HS: I think Téa’s beautiful by the way, I would love to bang her.

DD: Thank you. I guess, thank you.

RQ: Is that a compliment?

HS: Even I would get bored after a while and ask a masseuse...

RQ: Well they’re still very new to each other.

DD: You know how it is, Howard, you just have to be faithful, and that’s the way it goes, otherwise everything else goes to hell.

HS: I don’t know about that. There’s a lot of guys who are not faithful.

DD: I know there are a lot of guys who aren’t faithful and it doesn’t work.

RQ: Look, he could have not gotten married. Why would he get married if he didn’t want to do that?

HS: He got married because it seemed like a good idea and he didn’t want to lose Téa.

DD: I was in no danger of losing Téa by not marrying her.

HS: Really? I think maybe you thought by getting married it would control your sexual dependency needs. [laughter] I really do.

RQ: He was trying to fight his illness.

HS: It’s like a priest who’s gay who becomes a priest because he thinks he won’t be into boys anymore. And it turns out he’s just as into them.

RQ: I see, I see.

DD: This story isn’t true, but it’s beginning to sound like a good movie.

HS: By the way, your appearance on the final Larry Sanders show, funniest thing I saw. [clapping]

DD: Thank you very much.

HS: Funniest goddamn thing. You crossing and uncrossing your legs like Sharon Stone.

DD: Thank you.

HS: Man, was that funny.

DD: Yeah it was.

RQ: Any bisexual tendencies?

HS: Yeah, what’s your story? [laughter] You seemed to be a little too into it.

RQ: You did that a little too well.

DD: I’m not only dependent, but I have tendencies. All these vague words that people like to use about sex.

HS: It was so funny, it really was, did you watch it?

RQ: Even that episode he did where he was sort of coming onto him...

DD: Yeah, it was actually...it was the one time - I consider myself to be funny - it’s the one time I’ve ever watched myself and I laughed. It’s the only time in my life I’ve ever been pleased with myself.

HS: I’m not a real laugher, but I laughed at that and I laughed at the Jim Carrey part.

DD: Jim Carrey was out of control funny.

HS: Yeah, real funny, but your part was really funny. And I don’t laugh. And I’m sitting there like laughing.

DD: I’m the same way.

HS: It was so great.

DD: And you know Garry’s great, Garry’s one of the funniest.

HS: He’s the best.

DD: Yeah.

RQ: I even liked the whole scene where he doesn’t want to take David’s call because it’s such a sticky situation.

HS: Yeah, I know. [Garry impression] How’s Téa? Oh she’s fine, why don’t you meet me at the hotel. [whispering]

RQ: Why are you whispering?

HS: ‘Cause I didn’t think he was a funny guy, but you see you’re funny. They got to give you some funny parts.

DD: Well, you know, my funny is not really like laugh out loud funny usually, so people...

HS: They don’t get it.

DD: Every time I’m funny, people say, “God I didn’t know you were funny.” Every time though. It’s like 150 times by now.

HS: Let’s get back to your assistant, so what did your assistant do for you? I don’t understand the things that you need.

DD: Howard, all I can say is my assistant was like Radar in that he would tell me what I needed and then I’d go, “Oh, I need that.”

HS: All right, so now you went back to Los Angeles to tape X Files, you have to get a new assistant because your assistant in Vancouver falls in love with somebody and gets married, and you hire a woman...

DD: No.

HS: You interviewed a woman.

DD: No, never. I never met a woman.

HS: Why would you not have a female assistant?

DD: I think it’s madness to have a female assistant.

HS: Because why?

HS & RQ: ...you’re a sex addict! [laughter] That’s why. We got the answer.

DD: Noooo.

HS: No, you don’t buy that. Why is it insanity?

DD: It’s just because, you know, there are so many lawsuits everywhere...if you can be smart you want to stay out of any situation...possible situation that you can so you have a man.

HS: Say it, your penis wins the argument every time. And you know that it’s going to lead to trouble because you’re going to be in close proximity traveling...

DD: First of all, I’ve never had an argument with my penis. We debate. We negotiate.

HS: I hear you’re very large. We covered this the last time. [clapping]

DD: That’s not me clapping.

RQ: Now who was that list of people he had been with?

HS: Oh, here’s some of the people you have slept with...

DD: Let’s get back to my assistant...

HS: Now, you interview assistants and you found another man...

DD: No, I never even interviewed assistants. It’s a very sweet story actually. Téa has an assistant...

HS: A man or a woman?

DD: A woman.

HS: A woman, attractive?

RQ: She’s trying to avoid problems too.

DD: Exactly. You gotta have a same sex...

HS: Téa’s an attractive woman.

DD: Well, thank you.

HS: Does she put on little outfits for you and stuff and dress up?

DD: All the time. Non stop.

HS: That’s great.

DD: So Téa has this assistant named Lisa, and Lisa got engaged to a man named Kevin...

HS: Is Lisa hot?

RQ: Is he your assistant?

DD: We have a couple assistants.

HS: Oh, no kidding. What do you pay your assistants? Lotta money?

DD: I don’t think it’s a lot of money but enough to live.

HS: They see all that opulence with your swinging lifestyle.

RQ: They’ll start doctoring the books.

HS: That’s right.

DD: They don’t do the books.

HS: They don’t? What do they do, they bring you food?

DD: Sometimes.

RQ: Now, are they your assistants at home as well as at work?

DD: No, just at home, I don’t have an assistant at work.

HS: What do they do, let’s say your car runs out of gas, do they go fill up the car?

DD: Well I usually try and fill it up when I’m on the road before it runs out of gas.

HS: I see, so you don’t have that.

DD: No, but if...you know, whatever you need, they will do.

HS: Right, wow, your laundry and things like that?

DD: Yeah, they can do that.

HS: They can do that. Wow, what a weird job.

RQ: I don’t understand this job.

HS: But I would like an assistant like that.

RQ: Don’t you have other people to take care of the house?

DD: No.

HS: Your assistants do it.

DD: You know, to tell you the truth, Téa was raised to be an independent person.

HS: What do you mean?

RQ: She wants to take care of the house herself?

DD: Exactly.

HS: Oh, bull.

DD: Robin knows what I mean.

HS: She’ll get over that pretty quick.

RQ: Yeah, it’ll get old pretty soon.

DD: Why does Robin know what I mean and you’re completely at a loss.

RQ: I was raised that way too, now I don’t do anything.

DD: Téa likes to do the housework. It’s better to take care of oneself.

HS: I know she’s so great in bed. I can just imagine. She’s pretty athletic, can move around pretty good. Mmm. [silence]

RQ: You’re having that discussion by yourself.

HS: OK, here’s who it’s rumored that you slept with. Here’s who it’s rumored you had sex with. By the way, you lost your virginity at 14.

DD: That is true.

RQ: So we had some good information.

HS: You felt that was late because your friend got it at 12 years old.

DD: Yeah, that is true.

RQ: Well, who’s this friend?

HS: Your own father has said of you that you can’t stay faithful to one woman.

DD: You know that was a...

RQ: You don’t get along well with your father, do you?

DD: I get along fine with him.

HS: Hates him. You HATE your father.

DD: That was a...

RQ: He said you didn’t invite him to the wedding.

HS: Is that true or false? [laughter]

DD: My father lives in Paris and we had like a little private wedding that we wanted to keep private...

HS: That’s heavy.

RQ: And he’s never even met Téa, has he?

DD: Yes, he has met Téa.

HS: He has met Téa?

DD: Téa was in Europe doing publicity for Deep Impact and...

HS: You’re telling me your father was not invited to the wedding.

DD: No, it was something that we did really on the sly...

HS: Admit that your parents broke up at 12 years old and you resented your father ever since, true or false?

DD: I don’t resent my father.

HS: Yes you do. You didn’t invite him to the wedding. Did you invite your mother to the wedding?

DD: My mother lived two blocks away from where we got married.

HS: So what, your father would have flown in.

RQ: You got married near her, didn’t ya...

DD: She just happened to walk by and we said, “Come on in.”

HS: Your father would have liked to have been at the wedding, wouldn’t he have, or does he not love you. [melodramatic music] Are you in therapy?

DD: Am I in therapy? I’ve been in therapy.

RQ: Now he is.

DD: I feel like I’m in therapy right now.

HS: How many times a week do you go to therapy?

DD: I try to get in once a week. My schedule doesn’t always permit.

HS: Once a week? Once a week is not enough.

DD: You know what the amazing thing is. My assistant is also a therapist.

HS: Is that right?

DD: No. [laughter]

HS: You are a funny guy. All right, here are some of the women...

DD: What was that music, was that like family drama music?

HS: Here are some of the women you are rumored to be with, all right... Sarah Jessica Parker.

DD: I don’t know if I’ve met her.

HS: No, I know, I‘m making that up. Nancy Sinatra...and Malcolm Jamal Warner. [laughter]

RQ: What a list!

DD: I’ve been followed.

HS: Here it is. You are rumored to have dated Courteney Cock. Is that true?

DD: Courteney Cock?

HS: Courteney Cock from Friends, you’ve never dated her?

DD: I’ve met her at kind of awards ceremonies, I’ve never even met her socially once.

HS: I wound bang her in a minute. I think she’s hot. She’s kind of like a Téa type, you know what I mean, skinny with the big boobies.

DD: I think you got a shot.

HS: Courteney Cox, but you never had her?

DD: No.

HS: Who’s Pam Wheeler?

DD: Pam Wheeler?

HS: I don’t even know who that is, but it’s rumored...

RQ: He doesn’t know either.

DD: MAGGIE Wheeler is an old girlfriend of mine.

RQ: Oh Maggie Wheeler, maybe you got the wrong...

HS: I have Pam Wheeler.

DD: You guys, you got nothing.

HS: Who is Perrey Reeves?

DD: Perrey Reeves is an old girlfriend of mine.

HS: Who is that?

DD: Oh, you’re not allowed to sleep with your girlfriend anymore.

HS: You are.

RQ: Nobody’s saying no.

HS: Hey, mellow out, man.

DD: I’m sorry.

HS: Ashley Judd.

DD: Ashley Judd?

HS: There’s somebody I like. How about Ashley Judd. Did you have her, that’s nice.

DD: No.

HS: You haven’t had her?

DD: No.

HS: Really.

RQ: I didn’t think that could be possible.

DD: I feel really good right now having said no to four in a row so why don’t we stop this game right now.

HS: Let me sniff your hands, I’ll know if you were with her. For God’s sakes. Let me take a couple of phone calls for you.

HS: By the way, David’s in this X Files movie...it opens this Friday.

RQ: The movie’s coming out!

DD: Robin, you saw it.

RQ: Yes, I saw it.

DD: Isn’t it great?

RQ: It’s great, it’s absolutely great.

DD: Howard, I have to tell you, this is the first time in my show biz career, which is about 40 years long now, that I have been pleasantly surprised by something I’ve been in, that it’s actually worked out better than I thought it would going in.

HS: Really, you read the script for the X Files movie and you said, I don’t know how this is going to be.

DD: No, I thought it would be good, I thought it would be like a good one of the TV shows, but it’s so much better...

RQ: It’s big, yeah.

DD: ...it’s a huge movie, it’s a great movie, it’s fun, it’s smart...

HS: I can’t wait to see it. How did you see it?

RQ: And it’s scary.

HS: How did you see it already?

RQ: I have my connections.

HS: What did you do, go to the premiere?

RQ: No, I went to a screening.

HS: Why don’t I go, why don’t they set me up with a screening?

DD: It’s because Robin publicly says she’s a fan. Why would anybody come to you and say, Howard, come see the movie...

HS: I would go see it.

DD: ...you say bad things about the show, about Gillian, you call me a fake Richard Gere.

HS: Robin called you a fake Richard Gere.

DD: Robin says nice things, of course, they’re gonna want to invite her to a screening.

HS: I said that? No, I want to see the movie.

DD: You can pay your eight bucks like everybody else.

HS: All right, then I will, the hell with you.

RQ: I jumped several times - this movie gets scary...

HS: Really?

RQ: There’s moments that you’re actually scared out of your wits.

HS: Doug, you’re on the air. Oh, pain in the ass. Doug, you’re on the air.

Doug: Duchovny, there’s this picture all over the Internet with you naked with a flowered teapot on your gonads. What’s going on with that?

HS: Any truth to the rumor that you posed nude with a flowerpot on your gonads?

DD: I will tell you the truth. Right before...we had done the X Files pilot...we were about to go do the series in Vancouver, we did a little photo shoot in case we needed pictures of me. I was in my manager’s house and she’s English so, therefore, she has a lot of teacups, and I was just goofing around, I was changing and she had a cigar and the teacups and I just put the teacup over my...

Doug: It’s a very large teacup.

DD: It’s not that large.

HS: I heard you’re big.

DD: I put it over my genitals and I had the cigar, and we just took a couple of pictures...

HS: Female manager, you’re nude in her apartment...

DD: No no no, I came out with the teacup.

HS: Right, but you were nude. Were you banging your manager?

DD: No, I was changing from one outfit to another. It was like Ann Margret in Vegas. I had costume changes.

HS: Because I’m a guy with a small penis, I would never be seen with a teacup because I’d be afraid that if it moves, I’d be exposed. Only a guy with a large...

DD: I wasn’t balancing it there, I was holding it with my hand.

HS: But only a guy with a large penis would even take that risk. Trust me. [recording: “Now that’s a penis”]

DD: What voice was that?

HS: I could use a demitasse cup.

RQ: A little espresso.

HS: A little espresso cup.

DD: It was actually a shot glass.

HS: How does this picture end up on the Internet?

DD: It’s kind of a sad story. A man who was working as my publicist at the time - who I won’t name and who actually did a lot of work for free for me when I couldn’t afford it - I guess got payment in this way by turning around and selling this picture years later...and it’s not that harmful, I mean, it’s kind of a goofy picture...

HS: So it’s really you.

Doug: You brought a lot of pleasure to a lot of guys.

DD: Well, thank you very much.

HS: Oh, are you gay?

Doug: Of course.

RQ: You have a gay following.

HS: Wow, isn’t that nice.

Doug: A big gay following.

DD: Well, maybe I should go on QVC and hawk Téa sets.

HS: Would you like to make love to David Duchovny?

Doug: Who wouldn’t.

HS: Really?

RQ: Have you fantasized about David?

DD: This is my father you’ve got on the line. [laughter]

HS: Yeah. Very good.

Doug: Bye, Davey.

DD: Hey, bye. Thanks for calling me Davey and not Duchovny. I prefer Davey.

HS: He liked your honesty. Let me take a couple more questions, see what people got to say here. A lot of people evidently want to talk to you.

RQ: Oh, you know there was a rumor in the paper the other day...

DD: Rumor, rumor, rumor, rumor...

RQ: ... that you guys are leaving the show after your contracts are up and that they’re gonna replace you.

HS: Why would you leave The X Files?

DD: Just because it’s... honestly, as an actor, you’ve done a show 5, 6, 7 years...

HS: So what?

DD: It’s not like this where you get to come in and be creative every day, it’s...

HS: This is the same thing every day.

RQ: We don’t change.

DD: Yeah but at least it’s different, you’re improvising most of the time...

HS: Yeah, right.

DD: You never really know what’s going to happen, there’s some excitement with that.

HS: To me, I would say, they’re gonna pay me a lot of money for these X Files, I assume they pay you a lot of money, your contract’s up, they pay you a lot more... I would think the scripts are different every week, you say different lines...

RQ: And you’ve got different things to encounter...all paranormal...

HS: ...yeah, you encounter aliens one week, one week it’s a bit of a love story, whatever the hell it is. Stick with it. That’s what I would do. I honestly would stick with it. I have five words for you: McLean Stevenson. He had to leave M*A*S*H, had to leave M*A*S*H, had to leave M*A*S*H. Left M*A*S*H, where is he now? He wishes he was back on M*A*S*H.

RQ: Well, isn’t he dead?

HS: Now, he’s dead. He lost the will to live.

DD: Thank you for the vote of confidence in my career.

HS: No, it doesn’t mean that, you’re still going to have hiatus and you have time to make movies.

RQ: I didn’t say it, David, don’t look at me.

DD: I don’t have time on my hiatus to make movies.

HS: Baloney.

DD: I don’t. I have 5, 6 weeks to make a movie, how’m I going to make a movie in 5 or 6 weeks?

HS: Why do you only have 5 or 6 weeks?

DD: Because it takes 10 months out of the year to shoot that show.

RQ: George Clooney can do it.

HS: Why can’t they give you 7 months?

DD: Why can’t they?

HS: Why does George Clooney make 7 movies a year?

DD: George Clooney works harder than anybody I know, and I’ll tell you why.

HS: Why?

DD: Because he’s on an ensemble show, so he can be out of episodes...

RQ: So you’re asking for a little more time.

HS: Would you like a little more time, is that what you want?

DD: I would, Howard, I would like more time...

HS: All right, so if I told you you could do the X Files 7 months of the year...

DD: Not only... I have said what you are saying right now, I have said if I could do The X Files 6 or 7 months out of the year, I would do it until people said, “Please, no more.”

HS: All right, so there it is.

RQ: Now we have a negotiation.

DD: Thank you.

HS: I understand you’re doing the Magic Johnson show.

DD: Uh-uh.

HS: You’re not.

DD: No, I’m not.

RQ: I heard them promoting you on the Magic Hour.

DD: No, I’m not doing it.

HS: Why?

DD: I’m just too busy. HS &

RQ: Ohhhhhhh!!!

HS: Wait a second, we’ve hit something here. It’s so bad you don’t want to do it. Don’t wave me off. Don’t avoid topics. Finally found something you’re not willing to talk about. Why are you not doing the Magic Johnson show, be honest.

DD: Uh, you know...

HS: I have offered to do the show and they’ve been calling here to have me do it because it’s the one show...

RQ: Maybe you can slip into his slot.

HS: I will do it. I am going to go on there with two professional farters and perform a song. I have never seen a bigger train wreck than this show. Why are you not doing it - because it’s such a train wreck?

DD: No, it’s just that I’m doing all these talk shows...

HS: Don’t give me show business crap, why are you not doing it?

DD: I’m doing all these talk shows, I got nothing left to say.

HS: It’s not like you would, listen, I know what you’re saying...

DD: We’re doing the publicity for the movie, it’s like Gillian takes these shows, I take these shows. Gillian went on Magic, I’m not doing Magic.

HS: Fair enough. But they’re promoting you’re going to be there.

DD: I’m not aware of that.

RQ: I had heard that he was going to be on there.

HS: Me too. There’s something up with this. This is good.

RQ: I think we hit something here.

HS: We hit a goldmine, if I can just keep digging.

DD: Magic was at my wedding.

HS: Was he really?

DD: No. [laughter]

HS: What happened, you watched the show and you said, “Oh my god listen I don’t like to talk that much...”

DD: Honestly, it really is that, I can’t do every talk show, and it’s like Gillian and I are EVERYWHERE...

HS: You know what it’s like, it’s like canceling your ticket on the Titanic. [laughter] That’s a smart move. I know the truth, you’re afraid of catching the HIV virus. Am I correct?

RQ: Oh stop it.

HS: You’re paranoid about germs.

DD: I don’t believe you can get it simply by talking.

HS: Oh sure you can, absolutely that’s how Magic got it. So you’re telling me you’re not going to be on that show.

DD: As far as I know.

HS: I believe we’ve hit into something here.

DD: What does Mike Walker say?

HS: I’m sure he’ll know tomorrow.

DD: How can you have that guy on?

HS: Why? Are you anti-tabloid?

DD: That is such crap.

HS: Oh, the tabloids are the greatest.

DD: Oh come on.

RQ: Yeah, like you don’t read them.

DD: I don’t read them; I only read them when they say some bullshit about me.

HS: Why do you feel the tabloids are crap?

DD: Because they...

RQ: They’ve never gotten anything right?

DD: They’ve sometimes gotten things right, but not about me.

RQ: Oh, okay.

HS: You better be careful, he’ll burn you, this guy.

DD: I know he will.

HS: He’ll track you down.

RQ: Now he’s going to start really looking.

HS: He’s going to look into this Magic Johnson thing.

DD: Of course he will. It just plays to the worst in people.

HS: Really, no wonder I like it.

DD: It makes us all a nation of gossiping idiots.

HS: Mike, I smell blood with this guy.

HS: Pete, you’re on the air with David Duchovny.

DD: I’ve got a rumor, false or true, about Mike Walker.

HS: Go ahead.

DD: I have no idea.

HS: All right. The X Files movie opens this Friday. He will not be on Magic Johnson’s show later this week. [Robin laughs] He will not.

DD: No, I won’t.

HS: Interesting. What is your question, go ahead.

Pete: Hi, David.

DD: Hi.

Pete: I was wondering, did you have a good time playing a transsexual on Twin Peaks?

HS: Yeah, that’s right, you did play a transsexual on Twin Peaks.

RQ: I never watched that show so I don’t know about that.

DD: Yeah.

Pete: You were funny.

DD: Thank you. I had a great time. I Naired the hair off my legs.

RQ: Did you have to dress like a woman?

DD: Have you ever Naired?

HS: I shaved my legs when I did my book promotion.

DD: When you Nair, it’s the wildest thing because you put this lotion on your legs and then 5 minutes later you take a towel...

HS: ...and all the hair comes off.

DD: It’s disgusting - it’s like you just toweled off a wet dog.

RQ: Yeah, you don’t know what to do with that stuff once you get it...

DD: What is it? How can it just burn hair off?

HS: And why does it not burn your skin. You see that’s why I would be afraid to use it. What is that stuff?

DD: Exactly.

HS: I’m too paranoid about chemicals and junk. You know me, I’d have itchy legs for the next couple of weeks.

DD: But, Howard, that was before I could have an opinion about anything. I was just starting out. I didn’t have an assistant. I didn’t have anybody getting me anything.

HS: You just did it. Right.

RQ: So you Naired.

DD: So they said, Put that Nair on, and I said, Where, on my head, on my chest, where do you want it?

HS: What are you doing, Regis and Kathie Lee?

DD: I don’t think so.

HS: Good. Same reason you’re not doing Magic Johnson, they suck too. Gary, you’re on the air.

Gary [a caller, not Howard’s producer]: Oh yes, David, you were in a movie with Mimi Rogers called Rapture.

DD: Yeah.

HS: I’ll bet you did her.

RQ: Great movie.

Gary: A very good movie.

HS: I know you did her, right.

DD: No no, I didn’t.

HS: Mimi’s pretty open to that, isn’t she.

RQ: And she was on the last episode of The X Files this year.

DD: Yes, Mimi’s a good friend of mine.

HS: Oh really, no sex.

DD: No sex.

Gary: You played a swinger in that movie and you played a very good role. And I wondered if you had any experience with that in real life.

RQ: Well you were pretty much nude in that movie, weren’t ya?

HS: Did you show your penis in that movie?

DD: No, I showed my balls.

HS: How did those look? [everyone laughs]

DD: Let me tell you, this is what happened. This’ll tell you what kind of goofy actor I was at that point, just really like everything had to be real. Which I still try to do but within reason. I was doing this scene where I had to wake up with Mimi in the middle of the night. And she’s going through a religious crisis and she’s got to change the sheets on the bed because they’re dirty. And she wakes me up. And the director said, You know, you can be in your underwear. And I said, Well that doesn’t make any sense. We just shot a sex scene.

HS: You should be nude.

DD: I’m not going to get up after a sex scene and put my underwear on.

HS: I do.

DD: I’ll fall asleep in the middle of the orgasm basically.

HS: So why would you have your underwear on.

DD: Why would I have my underwear on.

HS: I would. See, you’re not a guy with a small penis, you don’t understand that.

DD: But wait, this was about acting, this wasn’t about penis. I just said...

Gary: You were great in that movie.

DD: Thank you very much. I just said, Look it doesn’t make any sense, I gotta be naked getting out of bed. He said, Well we can’t show full frontal nudity because then we’ll get a different rating. I said, I’ll somehow get out of bed backwards and then I’ll put my underwear on. So he said, Whatever you want to do, Dave.

HS: You see, I’m a guy with a small penis. If I make love to a woman, I immediately scurry for my underpants before I get small.

RQ: You’re covering up.

DD: But I’m sure you have a lovely scr..[rest of word bleeped here - I assume he said scrotum].

HS: Not really, no, there’s nothing lovely about it.

DD: Oh well.

HS: Oh man. Now are you done with us, sir?

Gary: OK, I’m done with you. Have a great day.

DD: But thank you for liking that movie. I think it’s a great movie.

RQ: Yeah it is.

Gary: That was a great movie.

DD: Thank you.

RQ: Very strange though.

HS: What about this other rumor I heard about you because I’m getting the high sign here, but let me finish.

RQ: Where does David have to go?

HS: He’s got nowhere to go. Listen to me, is it true, I read this about you, that before you go on a talk show, sometimes you feel like you’re not that interesting that you ask your friends for stories and you make up stories on talk shows.

DD: No.

HS: That is not true.

DD: No. I stole one story once from a director friend of mine - Michael Lange his name is - and he had a great funny story about asking directions. And I said to him, You know that’s a funny talk show story, can I sTéal it and say it’s mine. And he said yeah. But other than that it’s all happened to me.

HS: Hmm. Interesting.

DD: Which is why I can’t do too many talk shows because I just run out of stuff.

HS: That’s why you’re not doing Magic Johnson.

DD: Exactly.

HS: You feel you don’t have any stories and Magic barely interviews anybody so you feel like there’s nothing to say.

DD: Well...

HS: Where’s Téa right now, your wife.

DD: Téa’s in the hotel.

HS: In New York? Oh why didn’t you bring her, man?

DD: Howard -

HS: I’d like to just stick my hand up her dress. And you know you dig that.

DD: She would deck ya.

HS: No, she wouldn’t, she’d love it. I’m very gentle.

DD: I guarantee you, she wouldn’t love it.

HS: All right, a couple more questions, real quick, let me see if I can get this together.

DD: When are you going to have me on for the whole five hours?

HS: When you’re ready.

RQ: You want to do that?

HS: You’d run out of things to say.

DD: No I wouldn’t.

HS: Rob, you’re on the air.

Rob: Hey, David.

DD: Hi.

Rob: I hope the movie does great by the way.

DD: Thank you.

HS: By the way, what is Téa, what is she, is she 100 percent white? What is she?

RQ: Leoni?

HS: Yeah, Leoni, what is that?

DD: A hundred percent white? There’s nobody who’s a hundred percent white.

HS: What about me, what are you talking about. What is Téa actually, what is the breakdown there?

DD: Téa - Italian, Polish and Texan.

RQ: What did you hear?

HS: I don’t know, I don’t know, I can’t tell what she is. Sometimes I look at her I can’t figure it out.

DD: She’s a hundred percent woman.

HS: Is she. I’ll bet. I was just fishing. You’re on the air.

Male Caller: David, before you leave, could you verify one thing finally.

RQ: What?

Male Caller: There are rumors going around that you are so big you hurt some women.

RQ: Oh stop it.

HS: That’s what I heard too. I’ve heard that too, I’ve heard that about you. [recording of screaming women]

RQ: Who’d you hear this from?

HS: I’ve heard it from various people in show business. It’s like Milton Berle, how do you know. Why do you think David’s always running around demanding to do nudity.

RQ: In a teacup.

HS: Yeah, in a teacup. When you’re big, you’re excited by it. Plus he’s got a good physique. You swim, right, that’s how you stay in shape?

DD: Yeah, but I’m going to be 38 next month. It’s all going downhill.

HS: Are you really? Oh no kidding, you’re 38? Oh good, I’m so glad.

RQ: Everybody’s getting old.

DD: Is that bad?

RQ: Well it means I’m getting old. [DD laughs]

HS: I’m having such a problem with this aging. Ugh, it’s the worst.

DD: You just gotta accept it, Howard.

HS: I can’t.

RQ: You know I read this thing in the paper the other day, it said The Artist Formerly Known as Prince is going to be 40, and I was like Ughhh.

DD: Really? Wow.

HS: No kidding. Him too, I thought he was like 30 or something.

RQ: It’s ridiculous.

HS: I didn’t know that. Who cares about him anyway, he’s having too much goddamn fun.

RQ: Yeah, we gotta call him The Artist now.

HS: Joey, go ahead.

Joey: Hey David -

DD: Hi.

Joey: I heard you said in an interview that you would dump Téa Leoni for Liz Winstead. Is that true?

HS: Get out of here, you asswipe.

DD: Who’s Liz Winstead?

HS: I don’t know, this guy calls every day.

RQ: He just wants to get his wife’s name on the air.

DD: What does that mean? Oh, is that his wife?

HS: I don’t know. Anyway listen, The X Files movie opens...now will this movie be a continuation of the TV show?

RQ: How does that work? I couldn’t figure that out. Does this carry over into next season because there were a lot of changes there in the characters and so forth.

DD: Yeah, it does. It’s kind of a bridge between season 5 and season 6. And yet it also stands alone for people that have never seen the TV show.

HS: Tom, you’re on the air.

Tom: Hey Howard. By the way, I’m not gay, I know you got a lot of fags calling you.

HS: Oh please, who cares, you bastard. Go ahead.

RQ: You probably are gay.

HS: You’re gay and you don’t know it. Go ahead, quickly.

Tom: In the TV show you say you don’t believe in God but Scully does. What is this, is it true or is it just fantasy...

HS: First of all, he’s a character on the TV show, you nitwit.

RQ: They’re characters, you wacko, they write that stuff.

Tom: You’re a nitwit.

HS: All right, what is the story, do you believe in God in your personal life?

DD: In my personal life?

HS: Tell the truth, do you think there’s a higher being up there?

DD: Not with a human face. No.

HS: What about with a Bozo nose?

DD: Yes.

HS: [laughs] Yes.

DD: Yes. You caught me. That’s what I believe.

HS: I don’t believe there is one. I don’t know, maybe there is one.

RQ: Oh you vacillate.

DD: Why don’t you take the Pascalian Wager?

HS: What is that?

DD: Well, Pascal was a philosopher and he said I don’t know if there is a God or there isn’t but why I don’t live as if there is one.

HS: Are you out of your mind? [Robin laughs] When you cut your hair, do you ever say, Gee I’m nervous about cutting my hair. I’m very nervous. I want to cut my hair. I would like to have hair like you have. A crew cut.

DD: You have beautiful hair.

HS: I would love to have a crew cut.

DD: You have the best hair in show business.

HS: No, I would like to be a man, I’d like to wake up in the morning and not have to...I’m going out of my mind with this hair.

DD: How do you think you’d look with a crew cut. Maybe good.

HS: I don’t think so. I have a very skinny head and I have a skinny neck. I have a very odd body. I’m like Ichabod...

DD: Your hair widens your neck.

HS: Exactly. That’s what people tell me.

DD: Well for me it was like the show was over and I just wanted no hair.

HS: But, see, you’re a good looking guy. Everybody else can do that.

DD: Yeah but you know...

RQ: You didn’t think about it, you just chopped it off.

DD: I didn’t think about it. Cutting your hair though is like trimming a tree, you don’t know what’s going to be under there after awhile.

HS: Yeah, but see, you’re a good looking guy, you know you’re basically going to look good.

RQ: You know the other thing we need to ask him about - Garry Shandling. They are very good friends.

DD: We are.

HS: They are.

RQ: So is Garry losing it as they say in these magazine articles that we read?

DD: Oh no, the truth will out, and Garry’s telling the truth.

RQ: You’re on his side, huh.

HS: I’ll tell you...here’s how I feel, this is a very big controversy in show business. Garry Shandling is suing his former manager, Brad Grey - who I know as well - and everyone is saying Garry Shandling’s out of his mind. You can’t sue your former manager. But here is what Garry Shandling is saying in a nutshell. Let’s say you have a manager and you have a television show, and on the television show you hire a bunch of writers who are real good.

RQ: They also wind up being managed by the guy who manages you.

HS: Your manager signs them and then they go off and do their own TV shows without Garry Shandling, but Garry’s cultivated these guys, found these guys, and his manager merely plucks them away, takes them away and creates shows. Is he in fact entitled to some sort of profit because he keeps taking away all the talent that he discovers?

DD: Not just discovers, but nurtures.

HS: Right. Is he entitled to that money?

DD: That’s just a bit of the suit. I mean that’s just one...I don’t really know the specifics of the suit. That’s not all he’s suing about.

RQ: But there was also allegations that he’s very difficult to work with.

DD: Garry?

RQ: Yeah.

DD: Garry is...the only difficulty in working with Garry is that he wants to make it as funny as possible and there are people in show business that want to give up.

HS: You hang out with him?

DD: Yeah, I do.

HS: How many times a week do you see Garry Shandling? I don’t have any relationships like this.

DD: I don’t know. You know, I’ve been working in Vancouver for five years so more now that I’m in L.A. Maybe once every two weeks.

HS: Once every two weeks you get together. And what do you guys do and what do you say to each other?

DD: Well he has a basketball game at his house sometimes on the weekends...

HS: Garry?

DD: Yeah.

HS: Garry’s got a tuchus(sp?) the size of Brazil.

DD: No he doesn’t.

HS: He’s a little chunky. I’m surprised he can get through a game of basketball.

DD: Yeah, he’s a pretty good player.

RQ: What is it, half court?

HS: Half court?

DD: Yeah, half court.

HS: And you guys play in the driveway?

DD: No he’s got a little court made. He’s a huge basketball fan and he loves to play.

HS: He loves to play. So it’s you and Shandling and who else?

DD: Just like a bunch of his other friends.

HS: Guys, but not famous people.

DD: Yeah.

HS: You’re the two famous people.

DD: No, there are other people...

HS: Who is famous that plays?

DD: Kevin Nealon comes by.

HS: Kevin Nealon, I know him. Does he wear that rug when he plays or he takes it off? [basketball sound effects]

RQ: Answer the question.

HS: Answer the question, yes or no.

DD: I don’t know.

HS: Does a guy where a rug when he plays basketball?

DD: I don’t know.

HS: Or does he wear that hat. What does he do? If you’re playing basketball with a rug on, the sweat is gonna look odd, isn’t it?

DD: I imagine it would.

HS: All right, okay, yeah. I told you you should have done Magic’s show, it’s easier. [laughter] All right, so it’s you, Nealon, Shandling, who else, who else plays this basketball? Maybe I have to get involved in this. Go ahead.

DD: Yeah, you’re the only one who could guard Nealon. You’re about the same height as Nealon.

HS: Who else? Yeah, Nealon would be thrilled with me. Any other bald guys?

DD: Nealon’s not bald!

HS: Yeah, I think he is, I think he wears a toupee. Go ahead.

DD: Nealon is one of the funniest men around.

HS: Very funny guy.

DD: Did you know that?

HS: No, I don’t know that.

DD: He’s a wonderful guy and he’s really funny.

HS: Is he one of those guys who’s funny off camera?

DD: Yes.

HS: So why doesn’t he just be funny on camera? Tell him to do that.

RQ: [laughing] Go on, who else is in the game?

HS: No seriously, Nealon’s a funny guy. Who else plays - you, Shandling, Nealon, go ahead, give me a glimpse.

DD: It’s like a rotating thing.

RQ: So tell us who rotates.

HS: Who rotates in?

DD: I’m on the spot here. I can’t remember.

HS: Burt Reynolds, does he play?

DD: No, Burt Reynolds does not play. [laughter]

HS: Younger guys.

RQ: Steve Martin?

DD: No, Steve Martin does not play.

HS: Rob Reiner, Malcolm Jamal Warner?

DD: No, they don’t play.

HS: Who else is there?

DD: I’m stalling here, I can’t remember.

HS: You remember.

DD: I don’t.

HS: You know exactly who.

RQ: Who else could play?

HS: Not Brad Grey.

DD: No.

HS: Sarah Jessica Parker?

DD: Brad Grey, I think is like 5’2” anyway.

HS: Right, he’s a very small guy. So you and these guys all play basketball together.

DD: Yes.

HS: And you get together at Garry Shandling’s house and you have a game, and then what do you do afterwards, do you drink something, do you have food... [basketball sound effects]

DD: What are the sound effects saying that we do?

HS: Basketball. Tell me what you do the rest of the day.

DD: We all get in the pool naked and have a group orgy.

HS: No come on, do you talk about chicks, do you...what do you do?

DD: No, usually it’s a weekend during basketball season, usually we will watch a professional game afterwards.

HS: Ooh. No wives.

DD: No wives. Have something to eat.

HS: And you’re allowed to go do this?

RQ: Allowed?

HS: My wife doesn’t let me do anything.

RQ: See, you’re a child. [DD laughs]

HS: If I go away...like I want to play cards this Friday night and I’m really dreading asking her. ‘Cause she’ll say, You don’t do enough with me and you should be playing cards with me...

DD: You also have kids that you gotta spend time with. I don’t have kids yet.

HS: My kids hardly have time for me.

DD: OK.

HS: I’m telling ya, everyone has this fantasy of children and you’re gonna have to make time for them - they don’t want to be with ya.

DD: I’m going to tell you something and you’re not going to believe me. But Téa is the most understanding, sensitive, sincere person...

HS: Ohhh, beautiful...

DD: Yeah.

HS: Would you call my wife and ask her if I can play cards Friday night?

DD: Absolutely.

HS: You will. All right. Listen to me, David Duchovny...

RQ: The new X Files movie opens this Friday.

HS: ...opens this Friday. He will not be on Magic Johnson’s show later this week.

DD: Robin, tell them how good the movie is again.

RQ: It was great, I would recommend that everybody go see it.

HS: This is a big movie.

RQ: It’s a lot of fun, there’s a lot of wild things going on...

HS: What about people who don’t know The X Files?

RQ: I think they’ll be entertained as well.

DD: How was I in it, Robin?

RQ: You were, of course, Mulder is excellent. Always excellent.

HS: Fishing for compliments, my friend?

DD: Why not?

HS: Fishing?

DD: I baited that hook early.

RQ: You know what, in fact, I did Jeopardy with Stephen King this year. And he says he wants to write another episode.

DD: Did you beat him?

RQ: Yes I did.

HS: Isn’t that great?

RQ: It was amazing.

DD: Isn’t that embarrassing for like the most famous writer in the world?

RQ: I figured another ringer, I’m gonna lose to Stephen King.

DD: Did you squash him?

HS: And people think we’re idiots.

DD: How bad did you beat him?

RQ: I actually beat him in the Final Jeopardy because he didn’t bet as much. We were pretty close.

DD: So he lost his nerve.

RQ: Yeah.

DD: He wouldn’t ante up even though it was for charity.

RQ: Absolutely.

HS: He was a pussy.

DD: He wouldn’t ante everything up. I don’t believe...he was trying to win rather than trying to win as much as he could for charity.

RQ: That’s right.

DD: That is really odd.

HS: What is it, Tommy?

Tommy: Howard -

HS: Stephen King wanted to bang you, right Robin?

RQ: No no no. What he did say was Scully and Mulder are two of the greatest characters ever created for television.

HS: Is that what he said?

RQ: Yep.

HS: Wow.

DD: Well I take back what I said about him not having nerve.

HS: What about this talk of David Duchovny receiving an Oscar for the X Files movie?

DD: Ohhh, shut up with that, that’s embarrassing. I’d like to thank...

HS: Tommy, you’re on the air.

Tommy: Howard, I listen to ya every day. You’re starting to sound like Merv Griffin.

HS: What are you talking about, you bastard!

RQ: Who are you?

HS: You son of a bitch.

Tommy: Listen to me, remember how Merv Griffin used to kiss everybody’s butt when they’d come on.

HS: That’s right, absolutely.

Tommy: Especially every guy...

DD: Use your real voice.

RQ: We can’t like anybody.

Tommy: “Oh Ricardo Montalban, you’re such a man...”

HS: You’re not allowed to ask a guy questions about his penis.

Tommy: He didn’t talk about that.

HS: All right, I’ll correct it. David - F you.

DD: That’s Joan Rivers, you hear that, it’s Joan Rivers.

HS: He wants me to yell at you. Diane, go ahead.

Diane: Hi, a couple of nights ago I saw Gillian Anderson on the Magic show, and it was truly a moment in TV history.

HS: What do you mean? Horrible?

Diane: For one thing, she kept sitting...she comes on the set and she just kind of looked like a deer caught in headlights.

HS: Is that what influenced your decision not to go on the Magic Johnson show?

RQ: He saw Gillian...

Diane: No no no, you have to hear this. So she’s very wooden and she kept looking at the lights, she didn’t look at him, and she sits down in the chair, and she sits into herself as far away as possible as she could, and he immediately starts...he has these enormous hands, they look like submarines or something...

DD: Submarines?

HS: I’m going to touch your breasts now. Gillian and Magic, two deer caught in the lights.

Diane: No no, but listen to this, his hands kept flying around her body and kept pulling on her body, pulling, literally pulling her towards him, and at one point, they shot this from behind upwards, so you kept seeing him pulling, pulling, pulling and the hands flying, the hands flying...

HS: Wait a second, was he trying to get her?

Diane: And every now and then she would like lean forward to say something and this is shot from back upward...

HS: David, is this why you won’t do it?

Diane: ..it kind of gave the appearance of intimacy like they were having sex or something...

HS: David, are you afraid that Magic will try to have sex with you? What happened, did Gillian have a bad experience there, is that what is leading to this?

DD: No, I haven’t spoken to Gillian.

HS: All right, OK.

Diane: I never saw anyone so stiff in my life.

HS: Whatever. Who cares.

DD: I think she was describing the Jerry Springer show.

HS: Might have been. David Duchovny, the X Files movie, you are evidently brilliant in this you say.

DD: I say? I’m happy with the whole movie from top to bottom.

RQ: I thought it was great.

HS: You’re saying you were pleasantly surprised, even you couldn’t believe it.

DD: By everything.

HS: It opens this Friday, the X Files movie. We suggest you go see it. Robin saw it and what do you give it?

RQ: It’s very exciting as soon as that theme comes up, you know you’re going to have a good time.

HS: On a scale of 1 to 10, is this a 10, is it a 9?

RQ: I would say it’s about a 9, an 8 1/2, 9.

HS: Wow.

DD: What have you ever given a 10 to? Private Parts?

RQ: The Godfather.

DD: OK, OK, then we’ll take the 9.

HS: 9 is pretty good, don’t bitch about that. But she gave a 9 to Last Action Hero too.

RQ: Oh stop it, I never gave a 9 to Last Action Hero.

HS: You would’ve. David Duchovny, congratulations on your latest film, The X Files movie. We’ll all go see it this Friday. I will go pay and see it since I can’t get a screening. And I will go watch it. I’m a fan. I watch the show now.

DD: You do. That’s good.

HS: Yes, I do. And we’ll be back soon. And blah blah blah blah blah. And give my love to Téa.

DD: I will. And Howard, thanks for having me on.

HS: Bring her in here the next time, will ya?

DD: I asked her to come on. She’s scared.

RQ: She doesn’t like us probably.

DD: She likes ya. But she’s scared.

RQ: Really.

HS: No she doesn’t like me.

DD: What woman in her right mind would want to come on this show?

HS: Well there you made a point.

RQ: Oh come on, we’re a lot of fun.

DD: You are.

HS: I’d let her sit on my lap, I’ll tickle her. I tickled Andy Dick, I’ll tickle her. Anyway, go see The X Files and David Duchovny. Thanks, David.

DD: Thank you, Howard. [lots and lots of commercials since DD was interviewed w/o interruption. Then HS&RQ come back on and talk about DD]

HS: He’s a nice guy, I like him. He’s not doing the Magic Johnson show though. And I don’t know why.

RQ: I guess it was a scheduling problem.

HS: Yeah. Well. I’m thirsty, let me see if we’ve got some water. I’m exhausted. You exhausted?

RQ: No.

HS: I’m tired. I went to bed early.

RQ: I’m still all excited about seeing David Duchovny.

HS: Yeah, you love that. I see you.

RQ: I think I maintained. I didn’t get too crazy.

HS: You seemed pretty professional. [recording: “Ooh what a movie, what a fabulous film, I of course was a fan from the very beginning when no one else saw the greatness. I leapt from my seat.”] [Robin laughs]

HS: You know I...did David say he saw Private Parts again?

RQ: Yes he watched it a second time.

HS: He digs it. He likes that movie. Told me I’m an excellent actor.

RQ: Well he said it in a sort of backward way.

HS: Yeah he did. Well first he said I’m an excellent actor. Then he said, You’re so much better than when you had your TV show.

RQ: What he originally said was, You know you guys proved me wrong, I always said that acting was a talent, but you guys did very well.

HS: Yeah. I chose to see that as a compliment. I might have to go out to Los Angeles and play basketball with him and Garry Shandling.

RQ: I think you’d like hanging out with them.

HS: Yeah and kick their ass. Stuff that ball down their throats.

RQ: All right.

Stern, Howard. 16 June 1998. Live radio broadcast. Transcribed by Alfornos from alt.tv.x-files