HS: Ask him if we can call his Mom. We'll call her and ask if she performed oral sex.

HS: Yeah, he's a smart dude, Duchovny....wonder what he got on his SATs.

Gary: He's one dissertation away from his doctorate.

HS: There's David...what do you think David got on his SATs?

Gary: Gotta be 13 and change.

HS: David, what'd you get? 1380? 1320?

RQ: We're lipreading..

HS: Just bring him in.

HS: There you are...David Duchovny. Alright.

RQ: He's even taller than I expected.

HS: Robin, keep it in your pants...she digs you bigtime.

HS: What's it like to walk in a room and have a girl dig you? I never had that.

HS: What'd you get on your SAT...you went to Princeton?

DD: Yes I did.

DD: The SATs don't prepare you for this.

HS: No they don't.

RQ: So what did you get? 13 what?

DD: Well...I wasn't what they call a good tester...which means I really wasn't smart...

HS: Excuse me....I'm what they call a bad tester...okay...I don't think I broke 1000. My kids asked what I got on my SATs..I lied...told her I got 1250.

DD: I think you get 800 for signing your name.

DD: I choked the first time...I can't remember what I got.

RQ: Oh...so you took it twice?

DD: The first time I went in ...my Mom, everybody told me "This test will determine what you do for the rest of your life. I completely...

HS: You choked. My kid's already in a sweat, she's only in 9th grade.

DD: It's terrible..and then the next time I'm embarrassed to say I do remember. I got 2 680s...

HS: Ahhhh that's pretty good.

DD: 2 690s actually.

HS: That's real good...you're smart.

DD: That's no indicator of intelligence.

HS: Oh yes it is. Trust me, it is.

DD: OK, it is.

RQ: People who really know stuff say that's not an indicator.

HS: Yanno how girls are flippin' out over ya now...now be honest with me...girls were flippin' out?

DD: Not flippin' out, but..

HS: You got a lot of girls...you got it all out of your system. I thought it was weird that you got married to Téa Leoni...cuz she's hot and everything....don't get me wrong...but I just figured just X-Files...you managed to stay single all this time...you could do Téa Leoni and then drop her and get some other chick.

DD: I should just be cashin' in then...

HS: Well, in a sense, yeah.

DD: Not make the same mistake that you did.

HS: I got married...I met my wife at 19. I never got to experience my fame.

RQ: But he seems to have lived that bachelor's life.

DD: I'm 37, I just got married...I had that...it was plenty.

HS: you say that now, but I'll betcha that in 5 years you'll be divorced.

DD: I'll come back...we'll see.

HS: Look at Billy Joel...you don't think he had it out of his system? He married Christie Brinkley. She's as hot a Tea.

DD: Wait...now I don't know if she's as hot as Tea.

HS: Well...yanno...she's right up there.

DD: Billy Joel can't make up his mind, and now he's doing classical music. So, obviously he's got a problem with that kind of a thing...he can't commit.

HS: ...you dated a lot of celebrities, right? A lot of hot chicks?

DD: Not really, I just...I dated a lot, but I wasn't like the celebrity dating guy.

HS: By the way...that episode of Larry Sanders....classic, great.

DD: You said if I could get an Emmy nomination playing myself, you should get an Academy Award nomination playing yourself...and I agree, by the way. Not kissin' your ass, but I thought you were all great in the film.

HS: Thank you...thanks a lot. I appreciate that.

DD: I expected you two to be great, but Fred, I was really surprised.

HS: Fred took some acting lessons.

RQ: We were just winging it.

HS: Fred studied for a coupla months.

DD: I bet Fred got high SATs.

RQ: Did you get high SATs?

FN: I really don't remember.

HS: Fred knows tons of stuff...

RQ: He knows everything...but he doesn't know his SATs.

FN: I took em...I went to college.

HS: Fred went to Moron College.

FN: I went to Community College for two years and transferred.

HS (to Robin): How you feeling looking at David?

RQ: Physically? I feel fine.

HS: You're really attracted to him.

RQ: Well, I can watch him on TV...I'm not like you...I'm not gonna lose it.

HS: Do you want to give him a breast exam?

RQ: Nooooo.

DD: I actually just had a breast exam...so I'm doin' fine.

HS: No lumps?

DD: Yeah there were plenty of lumps and that was the good part.

HS: So you did Letterman the other night...I saw that. And that was good? You see how freezing cold it is in the studio?

DD: It's cold in here, too, though. Well, he just wants to keep the people awake.

HS: I think Letterman was diggin' ya though. He was bein' nice toya.

DD: He was being very nice. .....

Talk figuring out that he had been associated with Winona Ryder in the tabloids.....

DD: I think it was Barbara Bush.

HS: Meryl Streep?

DD: Yes.

HS: Are you real private about your private life or sumthin'?

DD: I try to be.

HS: Why? Yanno if I was getting' Hollywood celebrities, I'd be talking' about it.

RQ: Why'd you marry Téa Leoni if you want to be private? Yanno, marry some old woman.

DD: I fell in love with her, though.

HS: Tea's hot, man. I gotta admit.

DD: She's more than hot...she's just the most wonderful woman I've ever met.

HS: I'd like to meet her.

DD: You should.

HS: I'd like to meet the most wonderful woman you've met.

(chuckles)

HS: But you didn't know her very long before you got married her.

DD: No, I didn't.

HS: That's crazy.

DD: It is a little crazy...but as I said...I'm old already, and I know what I'm doin'.

HS: Can I suggest something to you? You're a smart guy and everything, you certainly don't need my advice, you're doing fine...

DD: I want your advice, that's why I'm here.

HS: You're just getting to know Tea now..there's gotta be things even now that you're like, kinda discovering about her...in a sense your marriage is a courtship. You're off in Vancouver shootin' X-Files, she's in LA doing her show...you kinda see each other...you talk on the phone....you've made this whole connection and everything...but, yanno, I'm saying...why get married at that point? Why not know each other better? Were you afraid that she was gonna run off for someone else?

DD: No. Do you want me to tell you why? Aside from the romantic notion of we met each other, and we knew we wanted to stay together and get married...with the pressures of being looked at as a celebrity, or whatever, and having a girlfriend. When we got married it was kind of a statement that we were serious.

(here DD said a non-radio-friendly word)

HS: Hey, come on David, loosen up...I mean don't loosen up.

DD: I'm sorry...

(laughter)

HS: So you're saying, that was the statement of your love? Like, "Hey man, I'm really serious about this woman?"

DD: In a way...and so that every week there wasn't a new story about who she's dating or who I'm dating. Every picture of me with my agent or my manager is my new girlfriend. So it actually was, in that way, the pragmatic way, it was strategic. But other than that, it was just something that I knew, and I went ahead and did it.

HS: Here's my theory on you...you had a bunch of girlfriends..

DD: uh-huh

HS: when you married her. How many girlfriends did you have...cuz you hadda straighten that all out.

DD: That's 690. That's my big number.

HS: So you marry her, and now you can't date.

DD: That's what marriage is about.

HS: Wow...that's a heavy statement. We'll see in 5 years.

RQ: Now what's your shooting schedule? You're in Vancouver and you have to stay there?

DD: Uh, yeah.

HS: Well, he's already told the network...

RQ: We talked about that the other day..that he wants to leave it they don't move to LA.

HS: Who the hell wants to be in Vancouver?

RQ: But, are you just there for the duration of the shooting schedule?

DD: This year, yeah. Until May.

HS: So, did those dudes tell you that they're gonna let you shoot in LA yet?

DD: I think it's pretty much gonna happen.

HS: X-Files is successful enough that they don't have to save money and shoot in Vancouver any more.

DD: You know, you should be an executive with that kind of thinking.

HS: Well, yeah, you know, and you're valuable to the show.

DD: Thank you...valuable?

HS: And you're not pulling a David Caruso....you're not looking to bail out...

RQ: What kind of contract do you have? I bet you would bail, if you could.

(laughter all around)

HS: Why not be in television....The X-Files..a fine show....and do movies..you have plenty of time to do movies.

RQ: He's no David Caruso...he can actually act.

DD: Ah, well, you know. That's very nice.

RQ: I'm telling you the truth, yeah.

HS: Feelin' any smoke in your butt? Cuz, I'm tellin' ya, she's blowing plenty up there. She's flirtin' with you, man, she's suckin' up.

RQ: I was talking about the X-Files the other day where you play a character who morphs into different people...and you were playing yourself playing yourself. That was BRILLIANT.

DD: Thank you, Robin. Can I go in that booth?

RQ: And why YOU didn't get the Emmy, I don't know.

Talk about Winona Ryder....just friends, seen out together.

HS: So how do you meet a Téa Leoni..how do you hook up with that?

DD: It's a sad Hollywood story. Our agent set us up...we have the same agent. It's really horrible.

HS: She can't find a good guy, you can't find the right woman. That's so romantic.

HS: What did you do? You called her up?

DD: We romanced over the phone at first for awhile.

HS: No kidding.

DD: Yeah.

HS: Cuz you were in Vancouver.

DD: Yeah.

HS: You call her up and go "hey..."

DD: It was very Cyrano de Bergerac. I had a friend of mine who's much more smooth than I am...

HS: Write stuff down?

DD: No. He actually talked to her for the first month.

HS: Cool. You nail a girl like that on the first date?

DD: Uh....No, actually. Not Tea.

HS: Really? Man, she is hot though. She's got a smokin' little tight body.

DD: Howard, you would love her.

HS: I'll betcha I would.

DD: How beautiful she is. She would...she would...she is just soo sharp. She'd killya.

HS: Really. Oh, man.

DD: You would even beg for mercy.

HS: Yeah. I guess girls like that, though, I never could connect with.

DD: Oh, no, you would.

HS: Too good-lookin'.

DD: I make her listen to the show.

HS: Yeah? She digs it?

RQ: She's beginning to (laughs) it's growing on her.

DD: She likes it, and then sometimes she gets pissed off.

HS: That's the same with all women. They're all pain-in-the-asses. OK, listen to me...I'm an acquired taste.

DD: Is this along the lines of what you were talking about earlier (ref. to previous anal sex talk)? With Gary's mom?

HS: Uh, yeah. Exactly. What about your mom...you think your mom...have you ever talked about sex with your mom?

DD: Oh, no.

HS: Do you think that your mom has given your father oral sex?

DD: I think that's what they used to call Birth Control.

HS: Really. No, do you think your mom is that loose? I thought my mom would do stuff like that, but now I'm rethinking the whole thing.

DD: I didn't hear much of the conversation, but I heard that Robin was saying that sex has been pretty much the same over the ages, and I tend to agree with that.

HS: Well, if you got the balls, I'll call your mom right now and ask her.

DD: Yanno...I don't have the balls.

(laughter)

HS: I didn't think so. So, wait a second, so you start callin' her, and you guys are talking over the phone and you like "Wow, I can't believe how I'm connecting with this girl, man, we're having these great conversations and everything". And then you decide "Hey, I'm gonna go to Los Angeles and date her". How many months do you wait to date her?

DD: Uh, we went out to dinner....we talked on the phone for 3 weeks.

HS: And was the whole conversation at dinner like "Gee, I really feel like I know you now. I mean, this is really good."

DD: The way you're putting it, I feel like such a jerk.

(laughter)

HS: I can predict these relationships. "WOw, I can't believe...like it's really good the way we did it. We really connected as people."

DD: Like alot of cliched things...yeah, it's like that, but there alot of uniqueness underneath it, I felt. And it was just...was just like a great love story for me.

HS: I wonder if a guy like David could connect with an ugly chick, though.

(pause)

HS: See, he can't.

DD: I love that voice you get when you talk about the love story.

HS: So go with me just with this for a couple more minutes, OK, cuz I'm curious. Ok, alright.

HS: Hey, Robin, David took off his jacket. (laughter) Hey, you workin' out or what? Yeah.

DD: Uhh..no,no,no,no.

HS: Right, so OK, so then you go on this date, you take her out to dinner. And then where do you go? Back to her place?

HS: Like, like, like, what is she wearing? Do you pick her up at her house?

DD: No. Since I don't live in LA anymore I had a hotel. I came down and stayed in the hotel. She picked me up cuz I didn't have a car.

HS: What she have a limo?

DD: Oh no, no, no...

RQ: Everyone drives in LA, Howard.

HS: I forgot how to drive. So what are you saying? You get in the car and she's driving?

DD: Yeah.

HS: And what is she wearing?

DD: She was wearing jeans and cowboy boots and

HS: Tank top?

DD: No, no...(laughing) no tank top.

HS: thong (hehe) just jeans, and llike a belly shirt?

DD: She was wearing a thong on the outside.

HS: Like Superman.

DD: I remember when I was growing up in NY, the Puerto Ricans, in the park, when they played baseball, they used to wear their jocks on the outside of the sweatpants.

HS: They still do that.

DD: And she grew up in New York and she likes that look.

HS: It's not a bad look. And were you saying to yourself "I can't believe I'm with a Téa Leoni"? Like been life's incredibly good. Or were you just...

RQ: Well, if he had dated Winona Ryder, it's no big deal.

HS: Yeah. You're at the point where you can actually probably hold back sexually and not finish in a second with all these hot chicks. My problem is, if I got a Téa Leoni, it'd be over in 30 seconds. Then she'd dump me. I'd be apologizing.

DD: Think of the wonderful conversation afterwards. You got more time to talk, Howard.

HS: So, um, you're in the car, you're looking at her, you're attracted, obviously. Who wouldn't be. I'd be attracted in 2 seconds to Téa Leoni. (Austin Powers sample: "Yeah, Baybeee"..laughter)

HS: So she drives you to the restaurant, and you're making conversation..

DD: We were taking about SAT scores.

HS: And are you deep enough where you can actually have a conversation with a woman without constantly thinking about getting' in her pants?

DD: Ummmm, no.

HS: No. You're thinking about it, right?

DD: Well, I'm thinking about it cuz we've been talking for almost a month.

RQ: Now, was it sex talk on the phone?

DD: No, no, no, no, no. I mean...

HS: You probably had some phone sex.

DD: No.

HS: Really?

DD: That would be premature, don't you think?

HS: No.

DD: I think that phone..., well actually you're always...that's your thing.

HS: So, it's just like normal conversation...like what would you talk about?

RQ: Business?

DD: Not the business. We both grew up in Manhattan, so we had plenty to talk about.

HS: So you go to dinner, you have this nice dinner. You pay for dinner?

DD: I must have.

HS: Where doya go? Where do 2 celebrities go?

DD: We went to this restaurant we still go to, so I'm not going to say the name.

HS: Oh, ok. Alright, alright, so you go there, and whattaya eat, a little Italian? Chink?

DD: Italian.

HS: Little Italian...Ok. And then you go, like, hey let's do sumthin'.

DD: We went for a drive.

HS: Just a drive..cuz you can't go anywhere, you'd be recognized, she'll be recognized, right?

DD: Also, we, we, I couldn't go back to her place, because I don't know her that well, and she wasn't gonna come back to the hotel. We didn't want the date to end.

HS: That's the move, to get her into the hotel. You know what I mean? "Let's go back to my room. We'll just talk."

DD: Yeah, "There's a great mini-bar back at the hotel."

HS: "Yeah, and I get free dirty movies."

RQ: There ya go...they come right into the room.

DD: You know the problem with the dirty movies in the hotels, though? Well, you know they edit 'em, and all you see is the guy's ass.

HS: I know!

RQ: They are the funniest movies.

HS: I was talking to a guy yesterday, real famous guy actually, that you would know, but he was telling me, up in Canada..

DD: Yeah, you get the whole thing.

HS: Yeah, you get the whole thing. Which makes sense. You gonna see a dirty movie, let's see a dirty movie. (AP: "Yeah, Baybeee")

DD: That's one of the reason I wanna stay in Vancouver.

HS: You should stay there just for that reason. OK, so ya...

DD: You're unstoppable.

HS: Well, this is a fascinating story. People like to know this stuff.

RQ: You said it was a great love story, we want it.

HS: Lets' hear the love story. So far I don't see any love. Too much talk, not enough love.

HS: She didn't use her hand on you in the car? (derisive comments) What? That's legitimate. My first date with my wife, I used my hand on her.

DD: I had my hand on her knee.

HS: I got to 3rd base on my first date (with my wife).

DD: We has our hands on each others' knees. It was a knee thing.

HS: So, you daid, hey let's go for a drive...

DD: What happened was my brother lives in the neighborhood that we ate in, and uh...

HS: Man, your brother must hate you, jealous. What does he do?

DD: He directs commercials.

HS: Ahhhh, that poor bastard. Now is he older or younger?

DD: He's older.

HS: Oy vey. That's a bad scene.

RQ: Eclipsed by a younger brother.

HS: Outwardly, he doesn't show it, but he hates you.

DD: Oh, no. Outwardly he shows it.

(laughter)

DD: I think it's inwardly I think he loves me.

HS: So you go over your brother's place with Téa Leoni? Ohhh,mannn. "Hey! How's this?" I guess I'd do that if I was single.

DD: I don't think it was quite...

HS: You know what my greatest fantasy about being single is? I get a hot chick like Amy Lynn, right yanno Penthouse pet I know who say she wants to sleep with me. I take her over to my friend, Dr. Lou's house. He's married, he's got 3 kids, I just take her over and go "Hey, man, we just came by to say Hi" I would just like to bring my hot chicks. That's a great move.

DD: I wasn't thinking of it that way. He was living in an area she was gonna wanna move into, so I said "Let's look at the places over there"

DD: We went over there, but it was about midnight cuz we had stayed at dinner talkin' so long, and my brother was sound asleep, the house was dark, so he didn't even know who we were. I said "Hey, Dan" And he said "Dave?" I said "This is Tea" Didn't even see her.

HS: Did he have spare rubbers? Or you brought your own?

(Group OhhhhhhhhhhhhhH!)

RQ: Would you stop jumping ahead!

HS: I'm sorry...I'm a guy.

RQ: You're making the story crass.

HS: By the way, we gotta talk about the movie, too. I mean, that's why David's here. But David, I gotta get the rest of the story. What is the name of the movie?

DD: Playing God.

HS: Playing God? Alright. Never mind that. OK,listen to me. No, no, we'll get to that. That's with Timothy Hutton.

RQ: TH is a blonde.

HS: Also a bad guy, TH, and ...

RQ: It does look like an interesting movie.

DD: There's a woman in that I think you'd like very much...Angelina Jolie.

HS: She's hot.

DD: Have you seen the Rolling Stones video?

HS: Did you do any love scene with her?

DD: Uhhh (sound effect "Boiiinnnnngggggg") yeah.

HS: You did. There ya go. He's the only honest guy.

RQ: The marriage wont last, hahaha.

HS: You didn't wanna get it on with her?

DD: This was before I was married.

HS: So you did her?

DD: No.

RQ: You know, that's Jon Voigt's daughter, right?

DD: Yeah.

HS: Oh, no kidding. He's wacky. Is she as wacky as him?

DD: I don't know him.

HS: Ah, really.

DD: Have you seen that new Rolling Stones video? What's it called? What's the song?

RQ: Oh, I don't know.

HS: Oh, I never see it. MTV doesn't play it.

DD: Yeah they do.

RQ: I think they're VH1 now.

HS: They're white guys.

DD: She's the woman in that.

HS: Oh, is she?

DD: Yeah. She's beautiful.

HS: Is she nude in the movie?

DD: Well, she gets shot in the breast, so that's the reason why you can see that. We won't show a breast in this movie unless there's a bullet in it.

RQ: You know, that's a new way to get that gratuitous...

HS: Hey, yeah, there's a bullet in her breast so we gotta show it.

DD: So, if you right a movie, you should just have people shooting up each others' groin.

HS: And breasts. And buttocks. You play some doctor and Timothy Hutton goes mental on you...

DD: Yeah, I'm a doctor who's lost his license because of a drug problem and Tim is like a gangster who runs into me and he hires me for cash as his personal surgeon.

HS: What a great plot.

RQ: Physician to the mob.

HS: I heard it was real good.

RQ: I saw the previews, it looks good.

HS: Yeah. I'll go see it. (ed. Note: Sure, fine, whatever)

HS: Alright. Let's get back to you and Tea. I will go see it. Why not?

RQ: Go where?

DD: You're too famous. You gotta be like Elvis. Rent out the whole place and give out cheeseburgers.

HS: I'd like to do that.

RQ: He's too cheap.

HS: Uh-huh. Unfortunately, I'm not as generous as Elvis. What is it, Gary?

Gary: It opens Friday.

HS: Yeah, I know that.

DD: See, (sound effect: "Baba-Booey") he's going to make me better. I shoulda said that.

HS: Alright. So wait a second. Just finish this story.

DD: Lemme just say one thing...you are the best promoter of a movie that I have ever seen in my life.

HS: I'm just telling my audience to go see it, that's all.

DD: You went out there, and you made that movie (Howard Stern's "Private Parts") a hit.

HS: People said to me "Gee, it was the most hyped movie of the..." and I said you know what? I had a very low advertising budget, for the movie.

DD: It was just you.

HS: We had some TV commercials...hardly any in the rest of the country...I said what I'm gonna do is...I've never done magazines covers and stuff like that, hardly ever. I'm gonna make myself available for that, and then for 3 years I'll take a moratorium...I'll do every television show I can get on that makes sense, and I said I want the movie to do well, I'm really proud of it, I want people to see it.

DD: Exactly.

HS: Everyone says "Well, it was the most hyped movie". Hype? I was a one-man hype-machine.

RQ: It wasn't like there was any other people grinding out any publicity.

HS: yeah. I kind of got freaked out by that. I said gee, they made it seem like the studio had put billions into promoting it.

DD: No. It's just you.

HS: You're doing it...you're on every show now.

DD: I'm tryin'.

HS: You're smart. Yeah. We should go over and support the movie. Why not? David's good enough to come in here.

RQ: I love The X Files and I'll support that.

DD: Good enough to come in even after you called me a fake Richard Gere.

RQ: No. Richard Gere Lite.

HS: That's what Robin called ya. I didn't say that.

RQ: We were angry that day.

HS: We were angry cuz you're havin' a good life.

DD: Oh. OK. I understand (sarcastically). I get it now. So, when my life is crap, you're gonna like me.

HS: Oh yeah. When Téa takes all your money we're gonna be real thrilled. You had her sign a pre-nup, I'll bet.

DD: Uhh, no.

HS: I'll bet you guys did that. You really didn't? You're in-saaaane.

RQ: I was gonna say, with their situation, they probably both need to protect each other if they're gonna do that.

HS: Between you and me...

DD: We both have some money right now.

HS: I believe David, I think David...

RQ: I don't think so...he works for FOX. Come on.

HS: Oh. That's right.

DD: Good point. Fox almost hired me to do a show, 'til they got to the point where they wouldn't pay me any money. That's a good point. Maybe Tea's got more than you.

DD: I think she might.

HS: You're smart not to sign a pre-nup.

DD: I think when she worked for scale she did.

HS: There was no discussion of pre-nup before you got married?

DD: There was a discussion...but, yanno, it was just one of those things. We're gonna seem like idiots right now, but we were just goin' on belief.

HS: :::sigh:::

DD: Eh, you raise your eyebrow, but uh

HS: Lotta money involved there. Lemme tellya something. Let's say David's movie takes off...let's say Playing God really hits...gets in another couple of movies...suddenly he's making 8, 10 million dollars a movie...and then like hey, Téa doesn't age so well...whatever it is...the attraction isn't there. Suddenly your 50, 60 million...eh...gotta give up 30.

DD: Yeah. Well...

HS: You're not thinking this through. But...alright, listen, what am I gonna say.

DD: You know, I only got a 690. I didn't get an 800.

HS: No, you didn't (laughter) So wait a second. You go on this date, and you go to our brother's house, and then your brother goes to bed. What a great guy.

DD: No. He was already in bed.

HS: He was?

DD: Sound asleep.

HS: So you're just giving her a tour through the house...she's looking great...and what do you do, you say "I really like you" and then you just move in and start kissin' her? (sound effect: zipper)

(pause)

HS: What is the move? I forget.

DD: The move?

HS: Yeah. What's it like to feel...

RQ: The first kiss, huh?

HS: Yeah. Do you just turn to her and go...

DD: She's gonna kill me...but she made the first move.

HS: Oh, she did? She moved in and kissed you.

DD: She did it in a wonderful way. It's like...there's a Woody Allen film where he's walking with Dianne Keaton and he says "I know we're gonna kiss later, and it's gonna be really awkward when we say goodnight, so let's get it out of the way now.

HS: Cool.

DD: And she kinda did that. It was in the restaurant, before all this. She said "Nobody's lookin', gimme a kiss"

HS: Wow. And you tongued her?

DD: You know...it was a kiss.

HS: That's romantic. See, I like a girl who does that.

DD: Téa is just everything on the level.

HS: God. I wanna date. So romantic. See, that's what you're gonna miss.

DD: This is even more romantic. We have a waiter there that always waits on us, and he said that when we came there...he knew her cuz this restaurant she goes to a lot, he had never met me...he said when we came in that first night that he knew.

HS: Really.

DD: yeah.

HS: Meanwhile Téa had kissed the waiter two weeks earlier.

DD: Wait, I didn't finish. He said he knew I'd be a lousy tipper.

HS: Oh. Is that what it is? I see.

RQ: You step all over a joke.

DD: I didn't have it till he stepped on it.

HS: So Tea's sort of aggressive. I like that.

DD: It's not really aggressive...

HS: Take charge.

DD: Yeah.

HS: So you don't have to take her hand and put the there, right? I mean like she...

RQ: Oh! Howard.

HS: With my wife, I always have to take...

RQ: You're jumping to conclusions, again.

HS: My wife, I always gotta take her hand an "I wanna be touched"

DD: I'm not talking about sexually, just in life she is...

HS: Really. Mmmmm. Beautiful.

DD: on top of things.

HS: Beautiful girl. I like that.

DD: Isn't she funny?

HS: Yeaaaah.

DD: You watch that show?

HS: Who cares if she's funny, as long as she's a piece of ass. Funny, schmunny.

DD: Really? You don't like funny?

HS: I don't care about funny. I don't want my chicks funny. I really don't.

RQ: You don't?

HS: No, I don't.

DD: That's your job.

RQ: You want 'em smart, you don't want 'em funny.

DD: You don't want them stepping on you.

HS: I'll be funny. I don't want 'em smart or funny. I would be dating strippers. I'd take a whole 'nother, yanno...

DD: You'd be ruined if you dated a funny stripper.

HS: Uh, yeah.

DD: And what are the odds of that?

HS: It'd be over.

RQ: You would be amazed at the kinds of conversation he can be drawn into.

DD: When he's doing both parts of them, I'm sure it's great.

HS: David, give me an idiot with big lips.

(laughter)

HS: That's alright by me. I don't need conversation. I'll get that from my male friends. I've given up on female conversation.

RQ: Thanks a lot.

HS: So you have...so, so you're in your brother's house, you're walkin' around, and suddenly...what? More romance?

DD: No. Then we just drove...we got back in the car and we drove for awhile.

HS: No more kissing in your brother's house?

DD: No. A little kissing in the car.

HS: Nice.

DD: Nah, not kissing in my brother's house...that would be

HS: Tacky?

DD: ...odd.

HS: Really? I wouldn't care.

DD: We didn't wanna be in a plase...at least I didn't wanna be in a place where it would be awkward because we would be alone. It was better to kiss in the car.

HS: You are well thought-out.

DD: Nah, I was improvving.

HS: I'm impressed. Man, I am impressed. That's romantic, eh Robin? You like that?

RQ: Very romantic.

DD: So, we went for a drive, and we made out a little more, and then she dropped me...(aside)what was that?

HS: (chuckling) Jackie.

RQ: That was Fred. Fred's now making noises.

Jackie: Even woke Fred up.

HS: The next morning did your brother call you and ask you if you banged her and stuff? I mean like guy talk?

DD: No. The next morning I called her up and we went out to breakfast and ran into my brother who, and they didn't recognize each other cuz they met in complete darkness.

HS: Wow. So the next morning you had to see her for breakfast...you were in love.

DD: We've tried to see each other every day since then.

HS: No that you're shooting X-Files, it's really hard to see each other...whaddaya on weekends you fly back anf forth?

DD: Weekends and she does a sitcom so she has every fourth week off. So we get one week a month together and then weekends.

HS: So it took you awhile to score? Or the next morning?

DD: No, it took awhile.

HS: Really?

DD: Yeah.

HS: I don't believe that. (laughter) I think he's protecting her.

DD: But time is relative yanno.

HS: Right.

RQ: (cackles)

HS: Wanna take one or two phonecalls? Errr, uhhh, and then we'll talk movie?

DD: You askin' me? I love phone calls.

HS: You're into it. Alright, let's see what we got here. Alright David Duchovny, star of The X-Files now in Playing God with Timothy Hutton and uhh turns out he didn't score right away.

DD: Heh-heh-he. These are like bullet-points.

RQ: You feel better about him now, right?

HS: Yeah, I do, I do.

RQ: (cackle)

HS: Cuz I score right away usually.

RQ: Ha, ha, ha, ha.

HS: All I wanna do is score. That's it.

DD: I wish I was in here when you were getting a massage or sumthin'.

HS: Yeah, well, I could do a breast exam for you if you want.

DD: Your breast or somebody else's?

HS: No, we have a woman waiting to get a breast exam (appears to have had something cut out at this point) think you can handle that? Kinda fun to watch another guy with your wife.

DD: I'm sure I could handle that, I'm sure she couldn't.

(laughter)

HS: Tea, like...you guys have a swimming pool in your house and everything?

DD: We just bought a house...haven't moved in.

HS: Swimming pool?

DD: Uh, it has a pool.

HS: She must look great in a bathing suit.

DD: She's a beautiful woman.

HS: Wowwww. Mmnh. And then like, when you went to breakfast, did she wear a sexier outfit the next day?

DD: No. No, she's not like a Hollywood sexy dresser.

HS: No? Ehhh I duuno. I can picture her in high heels and stuff, like in the bedroom, I can picture her putting on an outfit...

DD: She was like an athlete, like a tomboy...

HS: Really.

DD: She's a tough girl.

HS: I love bodies like that...tight, atheletic bodies...totally shaven...(chuckle)

RQ: Who's on the phone? (sound effect "Hey nowww")

HS: Hi. You're on the air.

(big laughter)

HS: Who is this?

Caller: My name's Barbara.

HS: Yeah.

B: Hi.

HS: Whaddaya want?

B: Well I was just wantin' to tell you about how couple nights ago my husband and I we celebrated our wedding anniversary and I, we were having sex...

HS: What's the wedding anniversary?

RQ: They had an ANNIVERSARY.

HS: Oh, I thought she said "They saw the wedding anniversary" I said, what was that a movie you were in or sumthin'? Yeah, rigth, go ahead, yes.

DD: This isn't for me.

HS: This isn't about...is this about David Duchovny?

B: Pardon?

HS: Is...you have a question for David?

B: Well, umm, I was waiting on the phone to talk to you about sex we had that night, but (RQ: Whaaaaaa?) I'll say I love The X-Files. Didn't really like it before, but then all of a sudden I started watching it one night. It was very good. My husband's into it bigtime.

HS: I see.

DD: She didn't like it when she didn't see it...

RQ: She didn't watch it, she didn't like it.

HS: Well, of course. I didn't like it till I watched it. I just started watching...I've only seen two episodes.

RQ: I've been talking to you about it for years...

HS: I know, and I finally got into it.

DD: You're watchin' it?

HS: Now I am, but I gotta get all the episodes...I'm watchin' it now off of...umm...

RQ: The FX, yeah the repeats.

HS: The FX channel

DD: The old ones aren't as good, but...

RQ: They get better, yeah, but uh...

DD: We learned how to do it.

HS: I'm completely new to it.

RQ: I was watching it while we were doing the movie. That's, yanno, when we're sitting in our little rooms waiting to go on the set.

HS: You were always wrapped up with The X-Files.

RQ: I had the videos.

DD: Thanks. I just figured there wasn't enough...breast disease in the show for you.

HS: Nah. I dig anything that has to do with Science Fiction...

DD: Do you?

HS: But you don't believe in UFOs do you?

DD: Not really, no.

RQ: You're not really Mulder (ha ha)

HS: You're not that guy are ya?

(RQ cackles)

HS: (To Robin) You ever think of David Duchovny when you touch yourself at night?

RQ: Now, we don't have to go there.

HS: Be honest.

RQ: We don't have to discuss...

HS: Tell the guy, right now. We got him here, tell him. How often do you get to see this guy?

DD: I thought you were asking me.

HS: No, come on. Tell the truth to David. You do think of him.

RQ: Welllll...

HS: Isn't that cool? You never think of me, and you think of David?

DD: If that's true, that's one of the highest compliments I've ever gotten.

HS: I kinda look like David.

RQ: Ya think?

DD: I'm half-Jewish (as Howard claims to be)

HS: Really? Well, there you go. Same thing.

RQ: Ohhhh, turn this tape off.

(laughter)

HS: When you're with your vibrator you think of David Duchovny? Wow.

DD: Robin, that loop that they play of you (sound effect of Robin simulating orgasm sounds) is that you?

RQ: That's it.

DD: How did they get that?

RQ: It was after, you know, "When Harry Met Sally" and eveybody's doing the fake orgasm thing.

DD: And you regret that, huh?

RQ: Yessss.

HS: Lemme see if there's other questions for you (sound effect "bzzzzzzzzzz" supposed to be a vibrator) Adam.

DD: Was that shaving?

HS: Yeah.

DD: Ah, it's a vibrator...alright.

HS: OK...Dan or somebody...Adam, go ahead.

A: Uh, David, I wonder if you could comment on the possible rumor of The X-Files movie that's rumored to be coming out?

RQ: That's not a rumor. It's real.

HS: Oh, it is coming out?

DD: Oh yeah, we shot it this past summer.

HS: Oh, you did?

DD: Yeah, it'll be out...

HS: How much you get for that? Like 8 million or somethin'?

DD: Not quite...

HS: You got a nice hunk of change.

DD: I got compensated.

HS: Right. Well, you should.

DD: Yeah.

HS: Why not? Movie's a hit....I mean the show's a hit.

DD: Yeah, it'll be out in June. I'll be back here.

A: Cool.

HS: Good. Uhhhh, don't tell Téa or her lawyers how much you got paid either.

RQ: Now, do you guys keep that separate? You haven't got the joint everything yet.

DD: No. We don't have joint (HS: anything) we have different laywers, different financial people...

HS: Nice. Keep your money separate.

DD: We're buyin' the house together.

HS: You two smoke weed at all? (pause) No comment. I figured you did...that's a yes. Those two smokin' a little weed, and then getting' it on...

RQ: That's what the...

HS: We should show David the...

DD: We need to relax.

HS: We should show you the Pamela Anderson/Tommy Lee tapes...

RQ: Oh, God.

HS: Man. You wanna see how people relax. They weren't smokin' any weed, that's for sure

RQ: Ohhhh, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, they were.

HS: I didn't see that.

RQ: It was in there.

HS: That's a cigarette. Looked like to me.

DD: Can you explain something to me? People ask me if I wanna work with Tea...and then people say "Well, people don't want to see real couples on screen" and yet, making love or whatever, but they want the pirated videos.

HS: Right. It's a sexy thing.

RQ: We don't wanna see people pretending.

DD: Real people who have sex pretending to have sex...but you wanna see real people who have sex having sex. Well, I just needed to have this...

RQ: clarification

HS: Now you know

DD: I knew that you could clear it up for me.

HS: All right, Mike, real quick. I can't keep David here for all day. Go ahead.

M: Hey. I just wanted to know if David still wets his bed.

HS: Whattaya mean? (To David) Do you wet your bed?

DD: No.

HS: How do you know he wets his bed?

RQ: Still wets his bed. That's a good question.

M: He's got that dark, brooding kind of...

HS: Heh, ha, ha, ha...did you ever wet the bed?

DD: I've got that dark, brooding bedwetter kinda thing?

HS: You've got that same look Suzanne Somers has.

DD: Is she a bedwetter?

HS: Yeah, she is, she is.

DD: Still?

RQ: Michael Landon was the other famous bedwetter. Does he look like Michael Landon?

DD: I'm not a bedwetter, but as I've entered my late 30s, I rarely sleep through the night without having to get up to pee.

HS: That's me too.

HS: By the way, that was Martin Landau on the phone with that question. OK, Tony, real quick.

T: I was wondering if you still star in pornos?

HS: Pornos?

RQ: Were you ever in pornos?

DD: Was I ever in pornos?

HS: Is there a rumor that you were in porno or sumthin'?

DD: First I heard of it.

HS: Really? You never done pornos.

DD: No.

HS: (Explaining to caller) Nah. He's never done porno.

T: Ah, I thought I saw him on TV one time on Hardcopy or something.

RQ: Ahh they always...

DD: No, no, I did a couple of movies where there was some nudity, but that wasn't porno. I did a movie called The Rapture...

RQ: Right. That's the one they always show with Mimi Rogers.

DD: It's the worst kind of nudity. I was in this...I was a young actor and I was really committed to the truth of the moment. And I was in bed with Mimi Rogers and I...

HS: I bet you banged her.

DD: NO, no.

HS: Oh, please. Come on, now.

DD: No, that's the truth (boinnnnng)

HS: You're a better man than I am.

DD: Mimi's all business.

HS: Really.

DD: Oh yeah. So I was supposed to be her husband and in bed, and we get up in the middle of the night and have a fight...and the director said "Well, you'll be in underwear" and I said "That doesn't make any sense. Who sleeps like that? I'll sleep naked" (Proof that Duchovny is REALLY out of touch, I guess) but there was no frontal nudity. So when I got out of the bed, I couldn't just get out of the bed, I had to get out backwards and then put on underwear...so what happens in the movie is horrible. I get out of bed backwards, I bend over, and from behind [sounds like something was cut out here] possible angle. I mean, I woulda rather wore thong.

HS: Right. Than that. I'll have to check that movie out.

RQ: That movie was so weird, you hardly notice that.

HS: Dan, real quick.

DD: I don't think you wanna see that movie.

HS: Yeah, quick, go ahead. I still gotta examine someone's breast. David's gotten a life, so...

RQ: Yeah, we got business to ...

HS: Where's Tea? She in New York with you?

DD: No. She has to work. She's in LA. It's just terrible.

HS: Yeah. I wish I was there with her. I'll have to come over and do a 3some with you guys.

DD: Hey, you know...

RQ: You, Marv, and uh...

(Marv Albert impression "Yesss")

HS: So, uh. Ever meet Marv?

DD: You know. I have to say I'm kinda sad about the whole Marv thing, cuz (HS: You're a fan?) I think he's the best play-by-play announcer of all time.

HS: All right. You're willing to overlook his problems.

RQ: He's still a great play-by-play man.

HS: He's still a good play-by-play man, just that he's...

DD: I don't understand why that has to get in the way.

(laughter)

HS: Well, you know, it probably gets in the way because he's admitted to, yanno, biting a woman. I dunno, maybe it's just battery or somethin'.

RQ: JUST bit someone?

DD: Obviously, this was consentual sex, obviously.

HS: I think so too. Seems like kind of a railroad. I dunno.

RQ: I don't know. I wasn't there.

HS: Do you sing show tunes with other men?

(laughter)

HS: But it shouldn't matter, right?

DD: I don't think so. I don't think he's in danger of biting any of the ballplayers out there.

HS: Go ahead, real quick, come on.

Caller: Do you get into any writing or directing of The X-Files?

DD: Uh, not directing, I've done a few story ideas that have become episodes, but I don't really have time or talent at this point to actually write a script. It's easy to have an idea, hard to write it out.

HS: Alright, John, go ahead real quick for David Duchovny.

J: I heard on TV that he has a sexual addicition problem.

HS: You have a sexual addiction problem? I have that problem. What guy doesn't? Is that true David? Do you have a sexual addiction problem?

DD: No.

HS: Have you ever said anything like that?

DD: No. I uh...

RQ: Where did you hear that, sir?

HS: You're just a guy.

J: I dunno I heard it on...

DD: It's the kind of thing that if you're single long enough and you date enough, all of a sudden you're a sex addict.

HS: Like Michael Douglas said that he had a sex addiction. He was married.

RQ: He was addicted to sex with everybody but his wife.

HS: Right. What guy doesn't have a sex addiction problem?

DD: It's an odd kind of a thing.

HS: If I was married to Tea, I'd have a sex problem...sex addict problem.

RQ: I think Tommy Lee and Pamela have a sex addiction.

HS: They sure do.

DD: Getting married to Téa would kinda like be the Methadone of the...like the cure.

HS: It's not a problem.

RQ: Geraldo's the only one with that problem.

HS: Yeah. He has a problem.

DD: What's his problem?

HS: He had a problem. He's a sex addict. He's an admitted sex addict.

(laughter)

HS: He's a whacko. So anyway, the movie is called Playing God. It opens this Friday. Ummm, I've heard good things about it. I guess the reviews come out Friday.

RQ: Are you doing all the promotion? Where's Timothy Hutton?

DD: Timothy's gonna be on Leno tonight.

RQ: Is he?

DD: Timothy's doing some promotion.

RQ: Just wanna make sure you get some support from the rest of the cast.

DD: It's hard.

HS: I think David's feeling the pressure cuz it's more like a David Duchovny movie.

DD: Yeah, they kinda turned it into that...and I never wanted it to be that way. Then they put my name above the title, and then I get...

RQ: Did they pay you for that?

DD: No. I just got pay you to act in the movie, and then...

RQ: Ah, darn.

HS: You didn't want your name above the title, you just wanted to be one of the guys.

DD: I didn't, actually.

HS: Yeah, I know. Eh.

DD: Why pull that kinda heat?

HS: Yeah, exactly. Now you got all this kinda pressure onya.

DD: Ah, well. It's in retrospect.

RQ: How is it doing a movie when you're on hiatus?

DD: It's tiring. But, uh, like you guys did a movie...

RQ: We don't HAVE hiatuses.

DD: Yeah. Well...

HS: It's kind of why we worked. It's really dumb.

DD: It's tiring, but it's also rejuvenating in some weird way, cuz you're doing something different.

RQ: MmmHmmmm. But you just see these actors who say they have to leave to go into the movies.

HS: They don't have to leave.

DD: Well...you know...

RQ: It seems that it's not stopping George Clooney from making every movie under the sun.

DD: He's amazing.

HS: Yeah, he is.

DD: I don't know how he does that.

HS: Well, he does a lot of bad movies, that's what he does.

RQ: And very quickly.

HS: Quickly, and they're all horrible. I've yet to see a good one from him.

DD: One Fine Day you didn't think was pretty good?

HS: The one with Michelle Pfeiffer? Oh my God...piece of trash. You think that was good?

DD: I thought it was cute.

HS: I mean, it should've been a TV show. There's no reason for that to be a movie.

RQ: Yeah. It was stretched out. It was a half-hour sitcom stretched out to 90 minutes.

HS: A piece of wood would have been a better Batman. You'd be a good Batman.

DD: Well, I've talked about that, but my nose looks funny in the mask.

HS: I've got a funny nose.

DD: I was going to be Batmanischevitz.

(laughter)

HS: Anyway, David Duchovny, Playing God, opens this Friday. He plays a doctor who suddenly can't be a doctor anymore cuz he gets this...whatever you call..

RQ: Drug problem.

DD:I lose a patient.

HS: And then he gets hired by some thug to be his personal doctor cuz those guys can't go to regular doctors. They'll get caught.

DD: Exactly.

HS: That's cool. That's a cool premise.

RQ: One of the scenes he sees the guy and he says "This guy's dead" and the guy puts a gun on him and says "Do something"

DD: Well, what he wants me to do is...he's seen on LA Law this guy they won't do an autopsy on an Hassidic Jew, so he wants me to circumcise him as a corpse so they won't do an autopsy and therefore find out how he died.

(laughter)

HS: Ha ha. That's pretty good. I'll go check it out.

DD: It's good work.

HS: I like that kinda work. Kinda work I'm lookin' for.

DD: Just workin' for tips, right? [ haha David ]

HS: You bet. Give my love...

DD: That's a Jackie joke.

HS: Yeah. Exactly. Give every inch of my love to Tea.

DD: And how much is that?

HS: When was the first time you saw Téa naked? Was it amazing? She's got some bod.

DD: She's beautiful.

HS: Those are regular breasts, not implants?

DD: Uh, huh.

HS: Wow. Hmmnh. God blessed her. Is it a whole big deal to...is she like "you're getting to see me naked cuz I really trust you" or...

DD: Téa doesn't think of herself as beautiful at all.

HS: Really. That's good. Bad self-image.

RQ: You can work with that.

HS: She smells good too, I bet.

(wild yelling)

HS: Alright, enough of that. David Duchovny everyone. The movie's Playing God. Watch The X-Files of course. Playing god starring Timothy Hutton and David Duchovny. Opens...see, I didn't put your name first. And that opens Friday. And thanks for coming in and doing the show.

DD: Howard, it's been a life-long dream.

HS: And next time you come in, bring Téa and we'll call your mom and ask her about oral sex.

DD: I'll bring Téa if you're nice to her.

HS: Oh, I'll be nice to her. For sure.

RQ: Weren't we nice to you?

DD: You were so nice.

HS: I'll be WAY to goddamn nice to Tea. You think I was nice to you....you're a guy.

DD: And will you call me Richard Gere Lite from now on?

HS: Absolutely. Very nice.

DD: That's what Téa calls me.

HS: Hey, Robin, now you got somethin' to vibrate yourself to tonight. Will you be busy tonight?

Jackie: Tonight? This afternoon.

RQ: That's right. Why wait? I'll be doing it during our meeting after the show.

HS: Beautiful.

Stern, Howard. 15 October 1997. Live radio broadcast. Transcribed by Sick!Koi from alt.tv.x-files