HS: Ask him if we can call his Mom. We'll
call her and ask if she performed oral sex.
HS: Yeah, he's a smart dude,
Duchovny....wonder what he got on his SATs.
Gary: He's one dissertation away from
HS: There's David...what do you think
David got on his SATs?
Gary: Gotta be 13 and change.
HS: David, what'd you get? 1380? 1320?
RQ: We're lipreading..
HS: Just bring him in.
HS: There you are...David Duchovny. Alright.
RQ: He's even taller than I expected.
HS: Robin, keep it in your pants...she
digs you bigtime.
HS: What's it like to walk in a room
and have a girl dig you? I never had that.
HS: What'd you get on your SAT...you
went to Princeton?
DD: Yes I did.
DD: The SATs don't prepare you for this.
HS: No they don't.
RQ: So what did you get? 13 what?
DD: Well...I wasn't what they call a
good tester...which means I really wasn't smart...
HS: Excuse me....I'm what they call a
bad tester...okay...I don't think I broke 1000. My kids asked what I got
on my SATs..I lied...told her I got 1250.
DD: I think you get 800 for signing your
DD: I choked the first time...I can't
remember what I got.
RQ: Oh...so you took it twice?
DD: The first time I went in ...my Mom,
everybody told me "This test will determine what you do for the rest of your
life. I completely...
HS: You choked. My kid's already in a
sweat, she's only in 9th grade.
DD: It's terrible..and then the next
time I'm embarrassed to say I do remember. I got 2 680s...
HS: Ahhhh that's pretty good.
DD: 2 690s actually.
HS: That's real good...you're smart.
DD: That's no indicator of intelligence.
HS: Oh yes it is. Trust me, it is.
DD: OK, it is.
RQ: People who really know stuff say
that's not an indicator.
HS: Yanno how girls are flippin' out
over ya now...now be honest with me...girls were flippin' out?
DD: Not flippin' out, but..
HS: You got a lot of girls...you got
it all out of your system. I thought it was weird that you got married to
Téa Leoni...cuz she's hot and everything....don't get me wrong...but I just
figured just X-Files...you managed to stay single all this time...you could
do Téa Leoni and then drop her and get some other chick.
DD: I should just be cashin' in then...
HS: Well, in a sense, yeah.
DD: Not make the same mistake that you
HS: I got married...I met my wife at
19. I never got to experience my fame.
RQ: But he seems to have lived that
DD: I'm 37, I just got married...I had
that...it was plenty.
HS: you say that now, but I'll betcha
that in 5 years you'll be divorced.
DD: I'll come back...we'll see.
HS: Look at Billy Joel...you don't think
he had it out of his system? He married Christie Brinkley. She's as hot a
DD: Wait...now I don't know if she's
as hot as Tea.
HS: Well...yanno...she's right up there.
DD: Billy Joel can't make up his mind,
and now he's doing classical music. So, obviously he's got a problem with
that kind of a thing...he can't commit.
HS: ...you dated a lot of celebrities,
right? A lot of hot chicks?
DD: Not really, I just...I dated a lot,
but I wasn't like the celebrity dating guy.
HS: By the way...that episode of Larry
DD: You said if I could get an Emmy
nomination playing myself, you should get an Academy Award nomination playing
yourself...and I agree, by the way. Not kissin' your ass, but I thought you
were all great in the film.
HS: Thank you...thanks a lot. I appreciate
DD: I expected you two to be great, but
Fred, I was really surprised.
HS: Fred took some acting lessons.
RQ: We were just winging it.
HS: Fred studied for a coupla months.
DD: I bet Fred got high SATs.
RQ: Did you get high SATs?
FN: I really don't remember.
HS: Fred knows tons of stuff...
RQ: He knows everything...but he doesn't
know his SATs.
FN: I took em...I went to college.
HS: Fred went to Moron College.
FN: I went to Community College for two
years and transferred.
HS (to Robin): How you feeling looking
RQ: Physically? I feel fine.
HS: You're really attracted to him.
RQ: Well, I can watch him on TV...I'm
not like you...I'm not gonna lose it.
HS: Do you want to give him a breast
DD: I actually just had a breast exam...so
I'm doin' fine.
HS: No lumps?
DD: Yeah there were plenty of lumps and
that was the good part.
HS: So you did Letterman the other night...I
saw that. And that was good? You see how freezing cold it is in the studio?
DD: It's cold in here, too, though. Well,
he just wants to keep the people awake.
HS: I think Letterman was diggin' ya
though. He was bein' nice toya.
DD: He was being very nice. .....
Talk figuring out that he had been associated with
Winona Ryder in the tabloids.....
DD: I think it was Barbara Bush.
HS: Meryl Streep?
HS: Are you real private about your private
life or sumthin'?
DD: I try to be.
HS: Why? Yanno if I was getting' Hollywood
celebrities, I'd be talking' about it.
RQ: Why'd you marry Téa Leoni if you
want to be private? Yanno, marry some old woman.
DD: I fell in love with her, though.
HS: Tea's hot, man. I gotta admit.
DD: She's more than hot...she's just
the most wonderful woman I've ever met.
HS: I'd like to meet her.
DD: You should.
HS: I'd like to meet the most wonderful
woman you've met.
HS: But you didn't know her very long
before you got married her.
DD: No, I didn't.
HS: That's crazy.
DD: It is a little crazy...but as I
said...I'm old already, and I know what I'm doin'.
HS: Can I suggest something to you? You're
a smart guy and everything, you certainly don't need my advice, you're doing
DD: I want your advice, that's why I'm
HS: You're just getting to know Tea
now..there's gotta be things even now that you're like, kinda discovering
about her...in a sense your marriage is a courtship. You're off in Vancouver
shootin' X-Files, she's in LA doing her show...you kinda see each other...you
talk on the phone....you've made this whole connection and everything...but,
yanno, I'm saying...why get married at that point? Why not know each other
better? Were you afraid that she was gonna run off for someone else?
DD: No. Do you want me to tell you why?
Aside from the romantic notion of we met each other, and we knew we wanted
to stay together and get married...with the pressures of being looked at
as a celebrity, or whatever, and having a girlfriend. When we got married
it was kind of a statement that we were serious.
(here DD said a non-radio-friendly word)
HS: Hey, come on David, loosen up...I
mean don't loosen up.
DD: I'm sorry...
HS: So you're saying, that was the statement
of your love? Like, "Hey man, I'm really serious about this woman?"
DD: In a way...and so that every week
there wasn't a new story about who she's dating or who I'm dating. Every
picture of me with my agent or my manager is my new girlfriend. So it actually
was, in that way, the pragmatic way, it was strategic. But other than that,
it was just something that I knew, and I went ahead and did it.
HS: Here's my theory on you...you had
a bunch of girlfriends..
HS: when you married her. How many
girlfriends did you have...cuz you hadda straighten that all out.
DD: That's 690. That's my big number.
HS: So you marry her, and now you can't
DD: That's what marriage is about.
HS: Wow...that's a heavy statement. We'll
see in 5 years.
RQ: Now what's your shooting schedule?
You're in Vancouver and you have to stay there?
DD: Uh, yeah.
HS: Well, he's already told the network...
RQ: We talked about that the other day..that
he wants to leave it they don't move to LA.
HS: Who the hell wants to be in Vancouver?
RQ: But, are you just there for the duration
of the shooting schedule?
DD: This year, yeah. Until May.
HS: So, did those dudes tell you that
they're gonna let you shoot in LA yet?
DD: I think it's pretty much gonna happen.
HS: X-Files is successful enough that
they don't have to save money and shoot in Vancouver any more.
DD: You know, you should be an executive
with that kind of thinking.
HS: Well, yeah, you know, and you're
valuable to the show.
DD: Thank you...valuable?
HS: And you're not pulling a David
Caruso....you're not looking to bail out...
RQ: What kind of contract do you have?
I bet you would bail, if you could.
(laughter all around)
HS: Why not be in television....The
X-Files..a fine show....and do movies..you have plenty of time to do movies.
RQ: He's no David Caruso...he can actually
DD: Ah, well, you know. That's very nice.
RQ: I'm telling you the truth, yeah.
HS: Feelin' any smoke in your butt? Cuz,
I'm tellin' ya, she's blowing plenty up there. She's flirtin' with you, man,
she's suckin' up.
RQ: I was talking about the X-Files the
other day where you play a character who morphs into different people...and
you were playing yourself playing yourself. That was BRILLIANT.
DD: Thank you, Robin. Can I go in that
RQ: And why YOU didn't get the Emmy,
I don't know.
Talk about Winona Ryder....just friends, seen out
HS: So how do you meet a Téa Leoni..how
do you hook up with that?
DD: It's a sad Hollywood story. Our agent
set us up...we have the same agent. It's really horrible.
HS: She can't find a good guy, you can't
find the right woman. That's so romantic.
HS: What did you do? You called her up?
DD: We romanced over the phone at first
HS: No kidding.
HS: Cuz you were in Vancouver.
HS: You call her up and go "hey..."
DD: It was very Cyrano de Bergerac. I
had a friend of mine who's much more smooth than I am...
HS: Write stuff down?
DD: No. He actually talked to her for
the first month.
HS: Cool. You nail a girl like that on
the first date?
DD: Uh....No, actually. Not Tea.
HS: Really? Man, she is hot though. She's
got a smokin' little tight body.
DD: Howard, you would love her.
HS: I'll betcha I would.
DD: How beautiful she is. She would...she
would...she is just soo sharp. She'd killya.
HS: Really. Oh, man.
DD: You would even beg for mercy.
HS: Yeah. I guess girls like that, though,
I never could connect with.
DD: Oh, no, you would.
HS: Too good-lookin'.
DD: I make her listen to the show.
HS: Yeah? She digs it?
RQ: She's beginning to (laughs) it's
growing on her.
DD: She likes it, and then sometimes
she gets pissed off.
HS: That's the same with all women. They're
all pain-in-the-asses. OK, listen to me...I'm an acquired taste.
DD: Is this along the lines of what you
were talking about earlier (ref. to previous anal sex talk)? With Gary's
HS: Uh, yeah. Exactly. What about your
mom...you think your mom...have you ever talked about sex with your mom?
DD: Oh, no.
HS: Do you think that your mom has given
your father oral sex?
DD: I think that's what they used to
call Birth Control.
HS: Really. No, do you think your mom
is that loose? I thought my mom would do stuff like that, but now I'm rethinking
the whole thing.
DD: I didn't hear much of the conversation,
but I heard that Robin was saying that sex has been pretty much the same
over the ages, and I tend to agree with that.
HS: Well, if you got the balls, I'll
call your mom right now and ask her.
DD: Yanno...I don't have the balls.
HS: I didn't think so. So, wait a second,
so you start callin' her, and you guys are talking over the phone and you
like "Wow, I can't believe how I'm connecting with this girl, man, we're
having these great conversations and everything". And then you decide "Hey,
I'm gonna go to Los Angeles and date her". How many months do you wait to
DD: Uh, we went out to dinner....we talked
on the phone for 3 weeks.
HS: And was the whole conversation at
dinner like "Gee, I really feel like I know you now. I mean, this is really
DD: The way you're putting it, I feel
like such a jerk.
HS: I can predict these relationships.
"WOw, I can't believe...like it's really good the way we did it. We really
connected as people."
DD: Like alot of cliched things...yeah,
it's like that, but there alot of uniqueness underneath it, I felt. And it
was just...was just like a great love story for me.
HS: I wonder if a guy like David could
connect with an ugly chick, though.
HS: See, he can't.
DD: I love that voice you get when you
talk about the love story.
HS: So go with me just with this for
a couple more minutes, OK, cuz I'm curious. Ok, alright.
HS: Hey, Robin, David took off his jacket.
(laughter) Hey, you workin' out or what? Yeah.
HS: Right, so OK, so then you go on this
date, you take her out to dinner. And then where do you go? Back to her place?
HS: Like, like, like, what is she wearing?
Do you pick her up at her house?
DD: No. Since I don't live in LA anymore
I had a hotel. I came down and stayed in the hotel. She picked me up cuz
I didn't have a car.
HS: What she have a limo?
DD: Oh no, no, no...
RQ: Everyone drives in LA, Howard.
HS: I forgot how to drive. So what are
you saying? You get in the car and she's driving?
HS: And what is she wearing?
DD: She was wearing jeans and cowboy
HS: Tank top?
DD: No, no...(laughing) no tank top.
HS: thong (hehe) just jeans, and llike
a belly shirt?
DD: She was wearing a thong on the outside.
HS: Like Superman.
DD: I remember when I was growing up
in NY, the Puerto Ricans, in the park, when they played baseball, they used
to wear their jocks on the outside of the sweatpants.
HS: They still do that.
DD: And she grew up in New York and she
likes that look.
HS: It's not a bad look. And were you
saying to yourself "I can't believe I'm with a Téa Leoni"? Like been life's
incredibly good. Or were you just...
RQ: Well, if he had dated Winona Ryder,
it's no big deal.
HS: Yeah. You're at the point where you
can actually probably hold back sexually and not finish in a second with
all these hot chicks. My problem is, if I got a Téa Leoni, it'd be over in
30 seconds. Then she'd dump me. I'd be apologizing.
DD: Think of the wonderful conversation
afterwards. You got more time to talk, Howard.
HS: So, um, you're in the car, you're
looking at her, you're attracted, obviously. Who wouldn't be. I'd be attracted
in 2 seconds to Téa Leoni. (Austin Powers sample: "Yeah, Baybeee"..laughter)
HS: So she drives you to the restaurant,
and you're making conversation..
DD: We were taking about SAT scores.
HS: And are you deep enough where you
can actually have a conversation with a woman without constantly thinking
about getting' in her pants?
DD: Ummmm, no.
HS: No. You're thinking about it, right?
DD: Well, I'm thinking about it cuz we've
been talking for almost a month.
RQ: Now, was it sex talk on the phone?
DD: No, no, no, no, no. I mean...
HS: You probably had some phone sex.
DD: That would be premature, don't you
DD: I think that phone..., well actually
you're always...that's your thing.
HS: So, it's just like normal
conversation...like what would you talk about?
DD: Not the business. We both grew up
in Manhattan, so we had plenty to talk about.
HS: So you go to dinner, you have this
nice dinner. You pay for dinner?
DD: I must have.
HS: Where doya go? Where do 2 celebrities
DD: We went to this restaurant we still
go to, so I'm not going to say the name.
HS: Oh, ok. Alright, alright, so you
go there, and whattaya eat, a little Italian? Chink?
HS: Little Italian...Ok. And then you
go, like, hey let's do sumthin'.
DD: We went for a drive.
HS: Just a drive..cuz you can't go anywhere,
you'd be recognized, she'll be recognized, right?
DD: Also, we, we, I couldn't go back
to her place, because I don't know her that well, and she wasn't gonna come
back to the hotel. We didn't want the date to end.
HS: That's the move, to get her into
the hotel. You know what I mean? "Let's go back to my room. We'll just talk."
DD: Yeah, "There's a great mini-bar back
at the hotel."
HS: "Yeah, and I get free dirty movies."
RQ: There ya go...they come right into
DD: You know the problem with the dirty
movies in the hotels, though? Well, you know they edit 'em, and all you see
is the guy's ass.
HS: I know!
RQ: They are the funniest movies.
HS: I was talking to a guy yesterday,
real famous guy actually, that you would know, but he was telling me, up
DD: Yeah, you get the whole thing.
HS: Yeah, you get the whole thing. Which
makes sense. You gonna see a dirty movie, let's see a dirty movie. (AP: "Yeah,
DD: That's one of the reason I wanna
stay in Vancouver.
HS: You should stay there just for that
reason. OK, so ya...
DD: You're unstoppable.
HS: Well, this is a fascinating story.
People like to know this stuff.
RQ: You said it was a great love story,
we want it.
HS: Lets' hear the love story. So far
I don't see any love. Too much talk, not enough love.
HS: She didn't use her hand on you in
the car? (derisive comments) What? That's legitimate. My first date with
my wife, I used my hand on her.
DD: I had my hand on her knee.
HS: I got to 3rd base on my first date
(with my wife).
DD: We has our hands on each others'
knees. It was a knee thing.
HS: So, you daid, hey let's go for a
DD: What happened was my brother lives
in the neighborhood that we ate in, and uh...
HS: Man, your brother must hate you,
jealous. What does he do?
DD: He directs commercials.
HS: Ahhhh, that poor bastard. Now is
he older or younger?
DD: He's older.
HS: Oy vey. That's a bad scene.
RQ: Eclipsed by a younger brother.
HS: Outwardly, he doesn't show it, but
he hates you.
DD: Oh, no. Outwardly he shows it.
DD: I think it's inwardly I think he
HS: So you go over your brother's place
with Téa Leoni? Ohhh,mannn. "Hey! How's this?" I guess I'd do that if I was
DD: I don't think it was quite...
HS: You know what my greatest fantasy
about being single is? I get a hot chick like Amy Lynn, right yanno Penthouse
pet I know who say she wants to sleep with me. I take her over to my friend,
Dr. Lou's house. He's married, he's got 3 kids, I just take her over and
go "Hey, man, we just came by to say Hi" I would just like to bring my hot
chicks. That's a great move.
DD: I wasn't thinking of it that way.
He was living in an area she was gonna wanna move into, so I said "Let's
look at the places over there"
DD: We went over there, but it was about
midnight cuz we had stayed at dinner talkin' so long, and my brother was
sound asleep, the house was dark, so he didn't even know who we were. I said
"Hey, Dan" And he said "Dave?" I said "This is Tea" Didn't even see her.
HS: Did he have spare rubbers? Or you
brought your own?
RQ: Would you stop jumping ahead!
HS: I'm sorry...I'm a guy.
RQ: You're making the story crass.
HS: By the way, we gotta talk about the
movie, too. I mean, that's why David's here. But David, I gotta get the rest
of the story. What is the name of the movie?
DD: Playing God.
HS: Playing God? Alright. Never mind
that. OK,listen to me. No, no, we'll get to that. That's with Timothy Hutton.
RQ: TH is a blonde.
HS: Also a bad guy, TH, and ...
RQ: It does look like an interesting
DD: There's a woman in that I think you'd
like very much...Angelina Jolie.
HS: She's hot.
DD: Have you seen the Rolling Stones
HS: Did you do any love scene with her?
DD: Uhhh (sound effect "Boiiinnnnngggggg")
HS: You did. There ya go. He's the only
RQ: The marriage wont last, hahaha.
HS: You didn't wanna get it on with her?
DD: This was before I was married.
HS: So you did her?
RQ: You know, that's Jon Voigt's daughter,
HS: Oh, no kidding. He's wacky. Is she
as wacky as him?
DD: I don't know him.
HS: Ah, really.
DD: Have you seen that new Rolling Stones
video? What's it called? What's the song?
RQ: Oh, I don't know.
HS: Oh, I never see it. MTV doesn't play
DD: Yeah they do.
RQ: I think they're VH1 now.
HS: They're white guys.
DD: She's the woman in that.
HS: Oh, is she?
DD: Yeah. She's beautiful.
HS: Is she nude in the movie?
DD: Well, she gets shot in the breast,
so that's the reason why you can see that. We won't show a breast in this
movie unless there's a bullet in it.
RQ: You know, that's a new way to get
HS: Hey, yeah, there's a bullet in her
breast so we gotta show it.
DD: So, if you right a movie, you should
just have people shooting up each others' groin.
HS: And breasts. And buttocks. You play
some doctor and Timothy Hutton goes mental on you...
DD: Yeah, I'm a doctor who's lost his
license because of a drug problem and Tim is like a gangster who runs into
me and he hires me for cash as his personal surgeon.
HS: What a great plot.
RQ: Physician to the mob.
HS: I heard it was real good.
RQ: I saw the previews, it looks good.
HS: Yeah. I'll go see it. (ed. Note:
Sure, fine, whatever)
HS: Alright. Let's get back to you and
Tea. I will go see it. Why not?
RQ: Go where?
DD: You're too famous. You gotta be like
Elvis. Rent out the whole place and give out cheeseburgers.
HS: I'd like to do that.
RQ: He's too cheap.
HS: Uh-huh. Unfortunately, I'm not as
generous as Elvis. What is it, Gary?
Gary: It opens Friday.
HS: Yeah, I know that.
DD: See, (sound effect: "Baba-Booey")
he's going to make me better. I shoulda said that.
HS: Alright. So wait a second. Just finish
DD: Lemme just say one thing...you are
the best promoter of a movie that I have ever seen in my life.
HS: I'm just telling my audience to go
see it, that's all.
DD: You went out there, and you made
that movie (Howard Stern's "Private Parts") a hit.
HS: People said to me "Gee, it was the
most hyped movie of the..." and I said you know what? I had a very low
advertising budget, for the movie.
DD: It was just you.
HS: We had some TV commercials...hardly
any in the rest of the country...I said what I'm gonna do is...I've never
done magazines covers and stuff like that, hardly ever. I'm gonna make myself
available for that, and then for 3 years I'll take a moratorium...I'll do
every television show I can get on that makes sense, and I said I want the
movie to do well, I'm really proud of it, I want people to see it.
HS: Everyone says "Well, it was the most
hyped movie". Hype? I was a one-man hype-machine.
RQ: It wasn't like there was any other
people grinding out any publicity.
HS: yeah. I kind of got freaked out by
that. I said gee, they made it seem like the studio had put billions into
DD: No. It's just you.
HS: You're doing it...you're on every
DD: I'm tryin'.
HS: You're smart. Yeah. We should go
over and support the movie. Why not? David's good enough to come in here.
RQ: I love The X Files and I'll support
DD: Good enough to come in even after
you called me a fake Richard Gere.
RQ: No. Richard Gere Lite.
HS: That's what Robin called ya. I didn't
RQ: We were angry that day.
HS: We were angry cuz you're havin' a
DD: Oh. OK. I understand (sarcastically).
I get it now. So, when my life is crap, you're gonna like me.
HS: Oh yeah. When Téa takes all your
money we're gonna be real thrilled. You had her sign a pre-nup, I'll bet.
DD: Uhh, no.
HS: I'll bet you guys did that. You really
didn't? You're in-saaaane.
RQ: I was gonna say, with their situation,
they probably both need to protect each other if they're gonna do that.
HS: Between you and me...
DD: We both have some money right now.
HS: I believe David, I think David...
RQ: I don't think so...he works for FOX.
HS: Oh. That's right.
DD: Good point. Fox almost hired me to
do a show, 'til they got to the point where they wouldn't pay me any money.
That's a good point. Maybe Tea's got more than you.
DD: I think she might.
HS: You're smart not to sign a pre-nup.
DD: I think when she worked for scale
HS: There was no discussion of pre-nup
before you got married?
DD: There was a discussion...but, yanno,
it was just one of those things. We're gonna seem like idiots right now,
but we were just goin' on belief.
DD: Eh, you raise your eyebrow, but uh
HS: Lotta money involved there. Lemme
tellya something. Let's say David's movie takes off...let's say Playing God
really hits...gets in another couple of movies...suddenly he's making 8,
10 million dollars a movie...and then like hey, Téa doesn't age so
well...whatever it is...the attraction isn't there. Suddenly your 50, 60
million...eh...gotta give up 30.
DD: Yeah. Well...
HS: You're not thinking this through.
But...alright, listen, what am I gonna say.
DD: You know, I only got a 690. I didn't
get an 800.
HS: No, you didn't (laughter) So wait
a second. You go on this date, and you go to our brother's house, and then
your brother goes to bed. What a great guy.
DD: No. He was already in bed.
HS: He was?
DD: Sound asleep.
HS: So you're just giving her a tour
through the house...she's looking great...and what do you do, you say "I
really like you" and then you just move in and start kissin' her? (sound
HS: What is the move? I forget.
DD: The move?
HS: Yeah. What's it like to feel...
RQ: The first kiss, huh?
HS: Yeah. Do you just turn to her and
DD: She's gonna kill me...but she made
the first move.
HS: Oh, she did? She moved in and kissed
DD: She did it in a wonderful way. It's
like...there's a Woody Allen film where he's walking with Dianne Keaton and
he says "I know we're gonna kiss later, and it's gonna be really awkward
when we say goodnight, so let's get it out of the way now.
DD: And she kinda did that. It was in
the restaurant, before all this. She said "Nobody's lookin', gimme a kiss"
HS: Wow. And you tongued her?
DD: You know...it was a kiss.
HS: That's romantic. See, I like a girl
who does that.
DD: Téa is just everything on the level.
HS: God. I wanna date. So romantic. See,
that's what you're gonna miss.
DD: This is even more romantic. We have
a waiter there that always waits on us, and he said that when we came there...he
knew her cuz this restaurant she goes to a lot, he had never met me...he
said when we came in that first night that he knew.
HS: Meanwhile Téa had kissed the waiter
two weeks earlier.
DD: Wait, I didn't finish. He said he
knew I'd be a lousy tipper.
HS: Oh. Is that what it is? I see.
RQ: You step all over a joke.
DD: I didn't have it till he stepped
HS: So Tea's sort of aggressive. I like
DD: It's not really aggressive...
HS: Take charge.
HS: So you don't have to take her hand
and put the there, right? I mean like she...
RQ: Oh! Howard.
HS: With my wife, I always have to take...
RQ: You're jumping to conclusions, again.
HS: My wife, I always gotta take her
hand an "I wanna be touched"
DD: I'm not talking about sexually, just
in life she is...
HS: Really. Mmmmm. Beautiful.
DD: on top of things.
HS: Beautiful girl. I like that.
DD: Isn't she funny?
DD: You watch that show?
HS: Who cares if she's funny, as long
as she's a piece of ass. Funny, schmunny.
DD: Really? You don't like funny?
HS: I don't care about funny. I don't
want my chicks funny. I really don't.
RQ: You don't?
HS: No, I don't.
DD: That's your job.
RQ: You want 'em smart, you don't want
DD: You don't want them stepping on you.
HS: I'll be funny. I don't want 'em smart
or funny. I would be dating strippers. I'd take a whole 'nother, yanno...
DD: You'd be ruined if you dated a funny
HS: Uh, yeah.
DD: And what are the odds of that?
HS: It'd be over.
RQ: You would be amazed at the kinds
of conversation he can be drawn into.
DD: When he's doing both parts of them,
I'm sure it's great.
HS: David, give me an idiot with big
HS: That's alright by me. I don't need
conversation. I'll get that from my male friends. I've given up on female
RQ: Thanks a lot.
HS: So you have...so, so you're in your
brother's house, you're walkin' around, and suddenly...what? More romance?
DD: No. Then we just drove...we got back
in the car and we drove for awhile.
HS: No more kissing in your brother's
DD: No. A little kissing in the car.
DD: Nah, not kissing in my brother's
house...that would be
HS: Really? I wouldn't care.
DD: We didn't wanna be in a plase...at
least I didn't wanna be in a place where it would be awkward because we would
be alone. It was better to kiss in the car.
HS: You are well thought-out.
DD: Nah, I was improvving.
HS: I'm impressed. Man, I am impressed.
That's romantic, eh Robin? You like that?
RQ: Very romantic.
DD: So, we went for a drive, and we made
out a little more, and then she dropped me...(aside)what was that?
HS: (chuckling) Jackie.
RQ: That was Fred. Fred's now making
Jackie: Even woke Fred up.
HS: The next morning did your brother
call you and ask you if you banged her and stuff? I mean like guy talk?
DD: No. The next morning I called her
up and we went out to breakfast and ran into my brother who, and they didn't
recognize each other cuz they met in complete darkness.
HS: Wow. So the next morning you had
to see her for breakfast...you were in love.
DD: We've tried to see each other every
day since then.
HS: No that you're shooting X-Files,
it's really hard to see each other...whaddaya on weekends you fly back anf
DD: Weekends and she does a sitcom so
she has every fourth week off. So we get one week a month together and then
HS: So it took you awhile to score? Or
the next morning?
DD: No, it took awhile.
HS: I don't believe that. (laughter)
I think he's protecting her.
DD: But time is relative yanno.
HS: Wanna take one or two phonecalls?
Errr, uhhh, and then we'll talk movie?
DD: You askin' me? I love phone calls.
HS: You're into it. Alright, let's see
what we got here. Alright David Duchovny, star of The X-Files now in Playing
God with Timothy Hutton and uhh turns out he didn't score right away.
DD: Heh-heh-he. These are like bullet-points.
RQ: You feel better about him now, right?
HS: Yeah, I do, I do.
HS: Cuz I score right away usually.
RQ: Ha, ha, ha, ha.
HS: All I wanna do is score. That's it.
DD: I wish I was in here when you were
getting a massage or sumthin'.
HS: Yeah, well, I could do a breast exam
for you if you want.
DD: Your breast or somebody else's?
HS: No, we have a woman waiting to get
a breast exam (appears to have had something cut out at this point) think
you can handle that? Kinda fun to watch another guy with your wife.
DD: I'm sure I could handle that, I'm
sure she couldn't.
HS: Tea, like...you guys have a swimming
pool in your house and everything?
DD: We just bought a house...haven't
HS: Swimming pool?
DD: Uh, it has a pool.
HS: She must look great in a bathing
DD: She's a beautiful woman.
HS: Wowwww. Mmnh. And then like, when
you went to breakfast, did she wear a sexier outfit the next day?
DD: No. No, she's not like a Hollywood
HS: No? Ehhh I duuno. I can picture her
in high heels and stuff, like in the bedroom, I can picture her putting on
DD: She was like an athlete, like a tomboy...
DD: She's a tough girl.
HS: I love bodies like that...tight,
atheletic bodies...totally shaven...(chuckle)
RQ: Who's on the phone? (sound effect
HS: Hi. You're on the air.
HS: Who is this?
Caller: My name's Barbara.
HS: Whaddaya want?
B: Well I was just wantin' to tell you
about how couple nights ago my husband and I we celebrated our wedding
anniversary and I, we were having sex...
HS: What's the wedding anniversary?
RQ: They had an ANNIVERSARY.
HS: Oh, I thought she said "They saw
the wedding anniversary" I said, what was that a movie you were in or sumthin'?
Yeah, rigth, go ahead, yes.
DD: This isn't for me.
HS: This isn't about...is this about
HS: Is...you have a question for David?
B: Well, umm, I was waiting on the phone
to talk to you about sex we had that night, but (RQ: Whaaaaaa?) I'll say
I love The X-Files. Didn't really like it before, but then all of a sudden
I started watching it one night. It was very good. My husband's into it bigtime.
HS: I see.
DD: She didn't like it when she didn't
RQ: She didn't watch it, she didn't like
HS: Well, of course. I didn't like it
till I watched it. I just started watching...I've only seen two episodes.
RQ: I've been talking to you about it
HS: I know, and I finally got into it.
DD: You're watchin' it?
HS: Now I am, but I gotta get all the
episodes...I'm watchin' it now off of...umm...
RQ: The FX, yeah the repeats.
HS: The FX channel
DD: The old ones aren't as good, but...
RQ: They get better, yeah, but uh...
DD: We learned how to do it.
HS: I'm completely new to it.
RQ: I was watching it while we were doing
the movie. That's, yanno, when we're sitting in our little rooms waiting
to go on the set.
HS: You were always wrapped up with The
RQ: I had the videos.
DD: Thanks. I just figured there wasn't
enough...breast disease in the show for you.
HS: Nah. I dig anything that has to do
with Science Fiction...
DD: Do you?
HS: But you don't believe in UFOs do
DD: Not really, no.
RQ: You're not really Mulder (ha ha)
HS: You're not that guy are ya?
HS: (To Robin) You ever think of David
Duchovny when you touch yourself at night?
RQ: Now, we don't have to go there.
HS: Be honest.
RQ: We don't have to discuss...
HS: Tell the guy, right now. We got him
here, tell him. How often do you get to see this guy?
DD: I thought you were asking me.
HS: No, come on. Tell the truth to David.
You do think of him.
HS: Isn't that cool? You never think
of me, and you think of David?
DD: If that's true, that's one of the
highest compliments I've ever gotten.
HS: I kinda look like David.
RQ: Ya think?
DD: I'm half-Jewish (as Howard claims
HS: Really? Well, there you go. Same
RQ: Ohhhh, turn this tape off.
HS: When you're with your vibrator you
think of David Duchovny? Wow.
DD: Robin, that loop that they play of
you (sound effect of Robin simulating orgasm sounds) is that you?
RQ: That's it.
DD: How did they get that?
RQ: It was after, you know, "When Harry
Met Sally" and eveybody's doing the fake orgasm thing.
DD: And you regret that, huh?
HS: Lemme see if there's other questions
for you (sound effect "bzzzzzzzzzz" supposed to be a vibrator) Adam.
DD: Was that shaving?
DD: Ah, it's a vibrator...alright.
HS: OK...Dan or somebody...Adam, go ahead.
A: Uh, David, I wonder if you could comment
on the possible rumor of The X-Files movie that's rumored to be coming out?
RQ: That's not a rumor. It's real.
HS: Oh, it is coming out?
DD: Oh yeah, we shot it this past summer.
HS: Oh, you did?
DD: Yeah, it'll be out...
HS: How much you get for that? Like 8
million or somethin'?
DD: Not quite...
HS: You got a nice hunk of change.
DD: I got compensated.
HS: Right. Well, you should.
HS: Why not? Movie's a hit....I mean
the show's a hit.
DD: Yeah, it'll be out in June. I'll
be back here.
HS: Good. Uhhhh, don't tell Téa or her
lawyers how much you got paid either.
RQ: Now, do you guys keep that separate?
You haven't got the joint everything yet.
DD: No. We don't have joint (HS: anything)
we have different laywers, different financial people...
HS: Nice. Keep your money separate.
DD: We're buyin' the house together.
HS: You two smoke weed at all? (pause)
No comment. I figured you did...that's a yes. Those two smokin' a little
weed, and then getting' it on...
RQ: That's what the...
HS: We should show David the...
DD: We need to relax.
HS: We should show you the Pamela
Anderson/Tommy Lee tapes...
RQ: Oh, God.
HS: Man. You wanna see how people relax.
They weren't smokin' any weed, that's for sure
RQ: Ohhhh, no, no, no, no, no. Yes, they
HS: I didn't see that.
RQ: It was in there.
HS: That's a cigarette. Looked like to
DD: Can you explain something to me?
People ask me if I wanna work with Tea...and then people say "Well, people
don't want to see real couples on screen" and yet, making love or whatever,
but they want the pirated videos.
HS: Right. It's a sexy thing.
RQ: We don't wanna see people pretending.
DD: Real people who have sex pretending
to have sex...but you wanna see real people who have sex having sex. Well,
I just needed to have this...
HS: Now you know
DD: I knew that you could clear it up
HS: All right, Mike, real quick. I can't
keep David here for all day. Go ahead.
M: Hey. I just wanted to know if David
still wets his bed.
HS: Whattaya mean? (To David) Do you
wet your bed?
HS: How do you know he wets his bed?
RQ: Still wets his bed. That's a good
M: He's got that dark, brooding kind
HS: Heh, ha, ha, ha...did you ever wet
DD: I've got that dark, brooding bedwetter
HS: You've got that same look Suzanne
DD: Is she a bedwetter?
HS: Yeah, she is, she is.
RQ: Michael Landon was the other famous
bedwetter. Does he look like Michael Landon?
DD: I'm not a bedwetter, but as I've
entered my late 30s, I rarely sleep through the night without having to get
up to pee.
HS: That's me too.
HS: By the way, that was Martin Landau
on the phone with that question. OK, Tony, real quick.
T: I was wondering if you still star
RQ: Were you ever in pornos?
DD: Was I ever in pornos?
HS: Is there a rumor that you were in
porno or sumthin'?
DD: First I heard of it.
HS: Really? You never done pornos.
HS: (Explaining to caller) Nah. He's
never done porno.
T: Ah, I thought I saw him on TV one
time on Hardcopy or something.
RQ: Ahh they always...
DD: No, no, I did a couple of movies
where there was some nudity, but that wasn't porno. I did a movie called
RQ: Right. That's the one they always
show with Mimi Rogers.
DD: It's the worst kind of nudity. I
was in this...I was a young actor and I was really committed to the truth
of the moment. And I was in bed with Mimi Rogers and I...
HS: I bet you banged her.
DD: NO, no.
HS: Oh, please. Come on, now.
DD: No, that's the truth (boinnnnng)
HS: You're a better man than I am.
DD: Mimi's all business.
DD: Oh yeah. So I was supposed to be
her husband and in bed, and we get up in the middle of the night and have
a fight...and the director said "Well, you'll be in underwear" and I said
"That doesn't make any sense. Who sleeps like that? I'll sleep naked" (Proof
that Duchovny is REALLY out of touch, I guess) but there was no frontal nudity.
So when I got out of the bed, I couldn't just get out of the bed, I had to
get out backwards and then put on underwear...so what happens in the movie
is horrible. I get out of bed backwards, I bend over, and from behind [sounds
like something was cut out here] possible angle. I mean, I woulda rather
HS: Right. Than that. I'll have to check
that movie out.
RQ: That movie was so weird, you hardly
HS: Dan, real quick.
DD: I don't think you wanna see that
HS: Yeah, quick, go ahead. I still gotta
examine someone's breast. David's gotten a life, so...
RQ: Yeah, we got business to ...
HS: Where's Tea? She in New York with
DD: No. She has to work. She's in LA.
It's just terrible.
HS: Yeah. I wish I was there with her.
I'll have to come over and do a 3some with you guys.
DD: Hey, you know...
RQ: You, Marv, and uh...
(Marv Albert impression "Yesss")
HS: So, uh. Ever meet Marv?
DD: You know. I have to say I'm kinda
sad about the whole Marv thing, cuz (HS: You're a fan?) I think he's the
best play-by-play announcer of all time.
HS: All right. You're willing to overlook
RQ: He's still a great play-by-play man.
HS: He's still a good play-by-play man,
just that he's...
DD: I don't understand why that has to
get in the way.
HS: Well, you know, it probably gets
in the way because he's admitted to, yanno, biting a woman. I dunno, maybe
it's just battery or somethin'.
RQ: JUST bit someone?
DD: Obviously, this was consentual sex,
HS: I think so too. Seems like kind of
a railroad. I dunno.
RQ: I don't know. I wasn't there.
HS: Do you sing show tunes with other
HS: But it shouldn't matter, right?
DD: I don't think so. I don't think he's
in danger of biting any of the ballplayers out there.
HS: Go ahead, real quick, come on.
Caller: Do you get into any writing or
directing of The X-Files?
DD: Uh, not directing, I've done a few
story ideas that have become episodes, but I don't really have time or talent
at this point to actually write a script. It's easy to have an idea, hard
to write it out.
HS: Alright, John, go ahead real quick
for David Duchovny.
J: I heard on TV that he has a sexual
HS: You have a sexual addiction problem?
I have that problem. What guy doesn't? Is that true David? Do you have a
sexual addiction problem?
HS: Have you ever said anything like
DD: No. I uh...
RQ: Where did you hear that, sir?
HS: You're just a guy.
J: I dunno I heard it on...
DD: It's the kind of thing that if you're
single long enough and you date enough, all of a sudden you're a sex addict.
HS: Like Michael Douglas said that he
had a sex addiction. He was married.
RQ: He was addicted to sex with everybody
but his wife.
HS: Right. What guy doesn't have a sex
DD: It's an odd kind of a thing.
HS: If I was married to Tea, I'd have
a sex problem...sex addict problem.
RQ: I think Tommy Lee and Pamela have
a sex addiction.
HS: They sure do.
DD: Getting married to Téa would kinda
like be the Methadone of the...like the cure.
HS: It's not a problem.
RQ: Geraldo's the only one with that
HS: Yeah. He has a problem.
DD: What's his problem?
HS: He had a problem. He's a sex addict.
He's an admitted sex addict.
HS: He's a whacko. So anyway, the movie
is called Playing God. It opens this Friday. Ummm, I've heard good things
about it. I guess the reviews come out Friday.
RQ: Are you doing all the promotion?
Where's Timothy Hutton?
DD: Timothy's gonna be on Leno tonight.
RQ: Is he?
DD: Timothy's doing some promotion.
RQ: Just wanna make sure you get some
support from the rest of the cast.
DD: It's hard.
HS: I think David's feeling the pressure
cuz it's more like a David Duchovny movie.
DD: Yeah, they kinda turned it into
that...and I never wanted it to be that way. Then they put my name above
the title, and then I get...
RQ: Did they pay you for that?
DD: No. I just got pay you to act in
the movie, and then...
RQ: Ah, darn.
HS: You didn't want your name above the
title, you just wanted to be one of the guys.
DD: I didn't, actually.
HS: Yeah, I know. Eh.
DD: Why pull that kinda heat?
HS: Yeah, exactly. Now you got all this
kinda pressure onya.
DD: Ah, well. It's in retrospect.
RQ: How is it doing a movie when you're
DD: It's tiring. But, uh, like you guys
did a movie...
RQ: We don't HAVE hiatuses.
DD: Yeah. Well...
HS: It's kind of why we worked. It's
DD: It's tiring, but it's also rejuvenating
in some weird way, cuz you're doing something different.
RQ: MmmHmmmm. But you just see these
actors who say they have to leave to go into the movies.
HS: They don't have to leave.
DD: Well...you know...
RQ: It seems that it's not stopping George
Clooney from making every movie under the sun.
DD: He's amazing.
HS: Yeah, he is.
DD: I don't know how he does that.
HS: Well, he does a lot of bad movies,
that's what he does.
RQ: And very quickly.
HS: Quickly, and they're all horrible.
I've yet to see a good one from him.
DD: One Fine Day you didn't think was
HS: The one with Michelle Pfeiffer? Oh
my God...piece of trash. You think that was good?
DD: I thought it was cute.
HS: I mean, it should've been a TV show.
There's no reason for that to be a movie.
RQ: Yeah. It was stretched out. It was
a half-hour sitcom stretched out to 90 minutes.
HS: A piece of wood would have been a
better Batman. You'd be a good Batman.
DD: Well, I've talked about that, but
my nose looks funny in the mask.
HS: I've got a funny nose.
DD: I was going to be Batmanischevitz.
HS: Anyway, David Duchovny, Playing God,
opens this Friday. He plays a doctor who suddenly can't be a doctor anymore
cuz he gets this...whatever you call..
RQ: Drug problem.
DD:I lose a patient.
HS: And then he gets hired by some thug
to be his personal doctor cuz those guys can't go to regular doctors. They'll
HS: That's cool. That's a cool premise.
RQ: One of the scenes he sees the guy
and he says "This guy's dead" and the guy puts a gun on him and says "Do
DD: Well, what he wants me to do is...he's
seen on LA Law this guy they won't do an autopsy on an Hassidic Jew, so he
wants me to circumcise him as a corpse so they won't do an autopsy and therefore
find out how he died.
HS: Ha ha. That's pretty good. I'll go
check it out.
DD: It's good work.
HS: I like that kinda work. Kinda work
I'm lookin' for.
DD: Just workin' for tips, right? [ haha
HS: You bet. Give my love...
DD: That's a Jackie joke.
HS: Yeah. Exactly. Give every inch of
my love to Tea.
DD: And how much is that?
HS: When was the first time you saw
Téa naked? Was it amazing? She's got some bod.
DD: She's beautiful.
HS: Those are regular breasts, not implants?
DD: Uh, huh.
HS: Wow. Hmmnh. God blessed her. Is it
a whole big deal to...is she like "you're getting to see me naked cuz I really
trust you" or...
DD: Téa doesn't think of herself as beautiful
HS: Really. That's good. Bad self-image.
RQ: You can work with that.
HS: She smells good too, I bet.
HS: Alright, enough of that. David Duchovny
everyone. The movie's Playing God. Watch The X-Files of course. Playing god
starring Timothy Hutton and David Duchovny. Opens...see, I didn't put your
name first. And that opens Friday. And thanks for coming in and doing the
DD: Howard, it's been a life-long dream.
HS: And next time you come in, bring
Téa and we'll call your mom and ask her about oral sex.
DD: I'll bring Téa if you're nice to
HS: Oh, I'll be nice to her. For sure.
RQ: Weren't we nice to you?
DD: You were so nice.
HS: I'll be WAY to goddamn nice to Tea.
You think I was nice to you....you're a guy.
DD: And will you call me Richard Gere
Lite from now on?
HS: Absolutely. Very nice.
DD: That's what Téa calls me.
HS: Hey, Robin, now you got somethin'
to vibrate yourself to tonight. Will you be busy tonight?
Jackie: Tonight? This afternoon.
RQ: That's right. Why wait? I'll be doing
it during our meeting after the show.
Stern, Howard. 15 October 1997. Live radio broadcast. Transcribed
by Sick!Koi from alt.tv.x-files