[News story about Louis Farakhan]

KEVIN: [delightedly] Da-ha-have!!

BEAN: Hey, we were just going to call you in the car, man. How are you doing?

KEVIN: Dave!!!

DD: [sleepy and slurry] Driving too slow.

BEAN: I guess so.

LISA: It's Dave!

BEAN: So anyway, so that's our man, Minister Farakhan. That's the latest. Dave Duchovny.

KEVIN: How are you, David? You look great, man.

DD: Do I put this on? What do I do?

BEAN: Yeah, you can do that.

KEVIN: Yeah, put that on.

BEAN: Or you can move...scootch over a second and use those headphones that are already plugged in.

DD: What about this?

KEVIN: Come on. That's a bad idea.

DD: Can I put it in my rear? [laughter]

KEVIN: If you'd like to, sure.

LISA: It's up to you.

BEAN: Go that way, Dave, and use that microphone, I think you're already plugged in.

DD: [slyly] What if I put it in your rear?

BEAN: That's what I'm telling ya.

KEVIN: Now we're talkin'.

BEAN: I think Dave's a little punchy because I've been following his schedule on the TV this week, and, man, is he sick of himself.

KEVIN: I saw...

DD: I have, I have the itinerary of the African wildebeest. [laughter] [Note: Wildebeests have one of the most grueling and dangerous migrations of any migrating animal.]

KEVIN: You've been on every TV show that is, ah, having guests this week, haven't cha?

DD: [tiredly] I will not rest until I am over-saturated. [laughter]

KEVIN: I saw you on a re-run of Lucy last night and I thought "How did Dave get on a re-run of Lucy?"

DD: I fell on a pie.

BEAN: I saw him on Leno last week. Then I saw him on Letterman this week, Conan this week, Barbara Walters this week....

LISA: Rosie.

BEAN: Rosie this week, ah..

DD: Rosie.

BEAN: I saw you on Money Line with Lou Dobbs. [laughter]

DD: Crossfire.

BEAN: Muppets Tonight.

KEVIN: Right.

BEAN: About what's going on, and then...

KEVIN: Took the place of John Denver on that one.

BEAN: And then it occurred to me after about the 8th or 9th appearance, I thought "Well, you know what, maybe Dave's got a movie coming out or something." [laughter]

KEVIN: Maybe there's something that he's pushing.

DD: [casual and suave] I just like to keep in touch with m'fans.

BEAN: And then I thought "Well, why didn't he mention it, why does Dave never talk about "Playing God" coming out, why does he never talk about his wife and never talk about "The X-Files" movie? Why are these the topics that aren't being covered? [Note: The tape goes out here; there is very very faint sound I can barely make out but it comes back when DD starts talking.]

DD: I don't know. What *have* I been talking about? [laughter]

BEAN: Dave....

DD: I thought I was talking about "Playing God." Playing God, Playing God, Playing God, Playing God, Playing God, Playing God, Playing God....

BEAN: That's right, you were. That's what it was.

DD: Playing God, Playing God, Playing God [stops abruptly]. I'm sorry.

BEAN: You are the one-man promotion machine on this movie, man.

DD: I am.

BEAN: You're out there and Timothy Hutton is sitting on his fat, Academy Award-winning ass [DD laughs] somewhere going "Hey, let the new kid promote it." [general laughter]

DD: Not true. I believe T, uh, Timothy was on Leno last night. I believe. I didn't see it.

KEVIN: Wow, so he did a show?

DD: He did. He did.

KEVIN: It's crazy! I don't want to depress you about "Playing God" that opens Friday, but you're going up against "Grizzly Mountain" starring Dan Haggarty. Did you know that?

LISA: I didn't know that.

DD: [slightly sarcastic] Oh, my God. We were trying to avoid that.

KEVIN: "Grizzly Mountain."

DD: "Grizzly Mountain."

KEVIN: He's back.

DD: Is that the original? Not "Grizzly Mountain 2"?

KEVIN: [laughs] I don't know. It's the new one.

BEAN: Is this, uh.....you got a week off or 10 days off or something from the schedule to promote this record..I mean, uh, the movie....

DD: Uh, for..I..It's a record, too. Uh, yeah, have I not mentioned that?

BEAN: No, you haven't.

DD: Yeah, um I got, ah, four days only, which is why you've see me everywhere in such, such short time.

BEAN: That's uh....

DD: And I want to be commended for having different material on every show.

BEAN: I actually, I wasn't going to do this on the air, but let me tell you something about Dave and why Dave's a great guest. It's because he really does prepare...material...

DD: Well, I'm....

BEAN: For every show.

DD: I'm a great guest for other people. Today I'm going to be repeating myself.

KEVIN: Okay. Perfect.

BEAN: That's okay.

KEVIN: It's a hodge podge of everything you've said in the last week.

DD: That's right.

BEAN: Now....

DD: My greatest hits.

BEAN: The movie that opens tomorrow, so you're a Nazi mountain climber and you discover enlightenment by meeting the young Dali Lama? Or?

DD: Yes, and it's called "Kiss the Girls."

BEAN: "Kiss the Girls." [laughter]

DD: It's "Playing God." Shall I give you a little synopsis?

BEAN: Sure.

KEVIN: I know you get to play a doctor, which is fun for anyone.

DD: Or have I gotten here too late and is everybody who is supposed to hear this now *at* their job and not listening? [laughter]

BEAN: No, no, they're still with you.

DD: I was sitting there in the car coming here and I was thinking "These are all the people I want to hear about the movie. They're not going to be here by the time I get..to..that..damn..studio"!

BEAN: You know what? They'll stick around for you, though, Dave. We told people you were coming in.

KEVIN: By the way, let me back up and say this is, that traffic and this city, is where you want to move the show! [DD laughs]

BEAN: You can't take it, right, so you're going to join us every morning on your way to work.

DD: Yeah. Yeah.

BEAN: So what's your commute in Vancouver? It's gotta be 10 minutes, right?

DD: No, it's 40 minutes.

BEAN: Oh, really, so that long?

DD: But not because of the traffic. Just because we have such a beautiful expanse of Mother Nature. [K chuckles]

DD: So it's kinda just rolling the window down and letting the wind hit my face and feeling good about life.

BEAN: I can understand not wanting to live in L.A. but then I can also understand your reasons for wanting to.....

DD: Oh absolutely, I mean, it's just, it's just really a.....

BEAN: It's a personal thing.

DD: It is indeed.

BEAN: I don't blame you.

DD: [ironically] You know, I think I should live with my wife and just try that out.

KEVIN: You're a crazy man, thinking about living with your *wife*.

BEAN: All right, well, let's, we want to get to that and then we're going to take calls and we've got a bunch of questions...

DD: Let me just tell you what...

BEAN: Let's, let's...

DD: "Playing God" is about.

BEAN: Talk about the movie.

DD: Just quickly. Um, I play a surgeon who has a drug problem at the beginning of the film and loses a patient because of this, ah, loses a patient during surgery and loses his license because of that, which I always thought was, was kind of a *strict* reaction to.... [laughter]

KEVIN: To losing a patient because of drugs.

DD: [tongue in cheek] Yeah. Come on! I mean, it's not like, it's not like it's a *driver's* license. It's just a license to, to practice medicine. So then I...

KEVIN: Cut him a little slack.

DD: So then I kind of drift aimlessly after that because, ah, being a doctor is what I was meant to be and, uh, there's a shooting in a bar, one of the first scenes, and I kind of step in and save this guy, with a, with an Evian bottle and a coat hanger and whatever's around, which we, we...

LISA: McGyver!

KEVIN: McGyver, right!

DD: Ah, please don't say "McGyver."

[laughter]

DD: *DOCTOR* McGyver.

KEVIN: That's right.

DD: So, ah, that was actually lifted from something that happened on an airplane where, ah, somebody got a collapsed lung and a doctor stepped in and actually used, you know, a plastic bottle and a wire hanger. So, um, what? [DD is startled, as someone enters the studio] Ah, hey!?

BEAN: You thought it was Doc with a gun, didn't you?

DD: I...I'm, you know, I'm just always watching my back. This is the guy with the, the, the accent? [talking about Jimmy the sports guy, who has a New York accent]

KEVIN: That's Jimmy, right.

DD: So, ah....Where was I? "Playing God."

BEAN: I heard you say that was coming out tomorrow, is that right?

DD: Yeah, I hope so.

BEAN: So, I hear....

DD: Wait, wait, hold on, let me, let me finish.

KEVIN: There's more.

DD: And then I kind of become--This gangster played by Timothy Hutton, I become his personal physician..

KEVIN: His bitch.

DD: [flatly] ...in a word.

KEVIN: Yeah.

DD: He kind of falls in love with my talent and he, he wants me to be his personal surgeon to, to work on the people, criminals, who can't go to the hospital for fear of being arrested.

BEAN: Sure, yeah.

DD: So this was the set up that I had never seen. And I wanted to see this mov...I wanted to make it. I kind of fall in love with his girlfriend, she kind of falls in love with me, it gets a little more entangled than... any of us ever expected. And it's kind of a wild ride of a, of a movie.

BEAN: And that's that Angel, Angelina? Is that her name?

DD: That's that Angelina Jolie, who y', who your listeners might know from the Rolling Stones video.

BEAN: She's, ah....

DD: With the shorn locks and...

BEAN: Oh, yeah.

KEVIN: Oh, yeah. She's cute.

DD: Walking through Manhattan in your underwear and a fur coat.

BEAN: Yeah, I hear you, man.

DD: Which is how I used to grow up.

BEAN: I'd a done the movie for that. But you said something very funny on one of the shows, or maybe I read it in an interview, where you learned the actual relationship between doctors and nurses, which I thought was very astute.

DD: Yes.

BEAN: Where you talk about how the doctors know nothing, the nurses really run the operating room, don't they?

DD: [semi-sarcastically] Well, when you're an actor, yeah! [laughter]

DD: But, but it made me think that actual doctors are just, you know, if we know that women rule the world and most of the women were nurses they were, were handing them the right tools when they needed them, you know.

BEAN: I also heard you say that, ah, you didn't.. you haven't had a vacation in years, I guess, but, ah, because on your...

[DD makes a low, groaning noise]

BEAN: day, on your weeks off, you work. Like you're working this week for promotion..

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: The hiatus from "The X-Files"

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: you make movies...

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: ah, and but this was kind of rejuvenating for you just because it wasn't Fox Mulder.

DD: Exactly, I mean, uh, uh, I had the option of, of either take off 8 weeks or do a film and, and play a different character, and I, I, don't know why it felt so good. I mean, it's not like I hate "The X-Files" or anything...

BEAN: Sure.

DD: it, it's, ah...

KEVIN: Just different.

DD: Yeah, I mean, uh have you guys ever tried to do anything like that?

LISA: They aren't talented.

DD: I mean, you're stuck in here all the time.

BEAN: Thank you, Lisa, we appreciate that. Enough out of you.

DD: I didn't hear that.

KEVIN & BEAN: "We're Not Talented!!" [DD laughs]

BEAN: We have no range, Dave, this is it. So but when the next hiatus comes up, I'm betting you won't work. I bet you're ready for that vacation now.

DD: Um, my wife is kind of leaning on me not to work, and, uh, but I'm, you know, sometimes as an actor, you see, it, there's, there's a certain fear that the work is going to dry up. And I know it's unfounded, cuz I kinda worked *before* I was famous.

BEAN: Um hum.

DD: So I actually got jobs the real way, by auditioning...

BEAN: And we live in a world where Keanu Reeves gets work, too, so it's not like you know, you can't get jobs.

DD: [in a "no comment" tone of voice] ....Okay. [laugher]

DD: And, uh, so, uh, I just, I, you know, you just gotta get over that fear that it's gonna dry up and, and just take the jobs that are really good for you and, and live the life that is, that is nice for you.

KEVIN: Plus, give Téa some time to live with you and maybe she'll want to..

DD: She might want to move *out*, is that what you're saying?

KEVIN: Push you right back out the door [laughter] to do some more work.

DD: Oh, that was pushing *me* out the door.

KEVIN: Yeah.

DD: Yeah, I thought that was pushing me out the door forever.

KEVIN: Oh, no, no, no.

DD: Just to go to work.

KEVIN: Get another job.

BEAN: Well, considering how brutal the schedule is, it's great that you came in this morning. We gotta take a break.

DD: You guys are so, so good to us.

BEAN: We love you, you know that, Dave. We're crazy about you...

DD: I called in from Vancouver once.

BEAN: I know you did. You were walking Blue on the beach and you called in. We had Chris in, I think...

DD: Yeah, yeah.

BEAN: And we've had, I mean, we've had all your buddies in. I mean, we've had, you know, Mitch in....

DD: Mitch....

BEAN: And we had the guy who plays Krycek in...

DD: [kind of surprised] Oh, you had *Nick Lea* in here?

BEAN: Oh, he's a great guy.

DD: He *is*! F-funny guy.

BEAN: Your whole crew, the cast, the crew, everyone involved at "The X-Files", they couldn't be nicer people.

DD: It's true, yup.

BEAN: We love working with you guys.

KEVIN: You even did our Christmas cassette, where you were heard to say:

[recording of DD plays] "The crap, Scully. It was *reindeer* crap!" [general laughter]

BEAN: You remember that? Some of your best acting right there.

DD: [very dubiously] Ooohhh......yeah.

BEAN: So, shall we take a break and come back with some more with our friend David Duchovny on K-Rock.

[Break] ["Alive"--by Pearl Jam]

KEVIN: Kevin and Bean. K-Rock. 8:57. Dave Duchovny in the studio with us. Dave, you tellin' us you like the Pearl Jam, huh?

DD: In the *house*, as the kids like to say.

KEVIN & BEAN: "In the hiz-zouse"

DD: [confused] In the..huh? Whuh? Uh?

KEVIN & BEAN: "In the hiz-zouse"

DD: Where does *that* come from? Can you "white man"...tell me the derivation of that?

KEVIN & BEAN: The Rap Community. Something we heard on the Baker Boys. We don't really know. We have no idea.

DD: You know, I was doing Katie Couric the other day and, and she said...

BEAN: Excuse me? Wait a minute, hold on, get the Enquirer on the phone! You were *doing* Katie Couric, yeah?????

DD: [deliberately obtuse] Yep, I was doing the show...

BEAN: Oh, the show, right.

DD: And she said to me "What up." [laughter]

KEVIN: She did?

DD: And I thought .."Well, it's over." [laughter]

BEAN: Aren't you going on Keenan this week, though?

DD: Yeah, Conan Ivory Wayans.

BEAN: Conan Ivory Wayans, that's right, so you have to be down with the lingo.

DD: Today! Today, I'm doing Keenan.

BEAN: Wow, Keenan's working today? It's the day of atonement. Farakhan's asking all the black people not to show up for work today.

DD: I didn't know that.

KEVIN: Wouldn't it be funny if you showed up for the show and he didn't?

DD: I'd just have to interview myself like he did last week.

KEVIN: With his movie.

BEAN: Right. David Duchovny is in the studio. The movie is "Playing God." By the way, we are going to be, ah, tonight, I guess, Dave, you're coming down to the screening..

DD: Oh, yeah. Yeah, yeah.

BEAN: In Westwood, The Manns. You were in the audience in New York when it premiered, I guess, and people dug it?

DD: People had a *great* time. They were just, they were *hollering.* They were talking back to the screen and laughing and that was before the movie started. [laughter]

DD: So when the movie started, it was even better.

KEVIN: Here's what we'd like to do. We'd like to invite the K-Rock audience down..

DD: Yeah.

KEVIN: Even the people who don't have tickets...

DD: Yeah..

KEVIN: Cuz, you're gonna be there, and we thought what we'd do is, uh, maybe get some questions from the audience and have you do a little song and dance.

DD: [very dubiously] Uh.....song and dance? You mean, I'll, I won't *actually* be singing and dancing?

BEAN: No, no, or dancing.

DD: I'll answer questions...

KEVIN: Answer some questions...

BEAN: It's an expression, really, more than it is....

KEVIN: All right, so if people want to come down they, they can, can partake in that.

DD: Is that safe? The, what you just did? Uh?

BEAN: Sure, that's fine. That'll be fine. We'll see.

DD: [flippantly] Who cares, really?

BEAN: And we'll give away some tickets in the 9:00 hour for the movie, too.

DD: [continued flippancy] Who cares about safety, I mean, we're talking about movies.

KEVIN: That's right.

BEAN: Now, let me, ah, we gotta ask you a few questions to kinda get caught up since the last time we saw you. First of all, you didn't win the Emmy.

DD: That's right. I didn't win the Emmy and the most disappointing thing about winning [sic] the Emmy is not that you lost out to some of your peers and things like that, but I didn't get to out my High School teacher. [laughter]

BEAN: That's very popular these days.

KEVIN: That would have been awesome had you actually done that.

DD: Which is, which is what I...It would have been even more awesome cuz he's heterosexual.

BEAN: But you did win the Golden Globes since the last time you were on the show.

DD: I did. I did.

BEAN: Now that's cool.

DD: I did.

BEAN: What did you do with that?

DD: I gave it to Mom. I gave it to Mom.

BEAN: Cool.

DD: She's got it back in New York somewhere and.....

KEVIN: Didn't you show up at one of those awards shows with your Mom?

DD: [excruciatingly uncomfortable all of a sudden] Ah, no..I...it's hard to get my Mom out of the house. She's, uh....she's....she's, you know, she's um, she....Whatever. Let's not talk about my Mom.

BEAN: Okay, although I did hear she refused to pay to see your movies.

DD: [quickly] That was kind of a joke.

BEAN: You had to line up a special screening, not true?

DD: That's not really true. I mean, as I said, it's hard to....she doesn't...The last movie she saw was "ET" you know, so it's.... [laughter]

DD: She's not a big movie-goer, and she likes, you know, "nice" movies, um. She won't see a movie if I get naked or get killed.

BEAN: Oh, so that eliminates pretty much all of them.

DD: Well, usually I *like* to get naked and get killed *at* that time.

BEAN: Right, but while we're talking about the Emmys, though uh, what was going on with Gillian at the Emmys this year? She has never looked more depressed than she did that entire night.

DD: Well, I think Gillian's very, uh...

BEAN: Emotional?

DD: No, no, I think it is very hard for her in public. I don't think she, she has, uh, an easy time of it with those kind of crowds and all that kind of attention. So I think she kinda...she tenses up a little bit, so it's not really, it's not really *her* that you're seeing. It's just, uh, she's a little scared.

BEAN: Cuz, you know, we know Gillian a little bit. We've had her on the show a couple of times, and you couldn't ask for a more delightful, outgoing, funny woman.

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: But on that show, she just looked like she was having a *horrible* time.

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: And she won!!

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: Wow, what's it take?

DD: Yeah, yeah.

KEVIN: To cheer you up

BEAN: And she won!!

DD: [jokingly] If, if she lost, she might have, like, broken out the AK-47 and mowed people down.

BEAN: Now the rumor in the paper this week is that , that was.. she got engaged that night. Do you know anything about that?

DD: I, phhhhtht! I didn't hear anything about that.

KEVIN: You know this guy she's going out with?

DD: I know Rodney, yeah, but I, I, ah...

BEAN: Now what do you think of him?

KEVIN: The rumor was that night he asked.....

DD: Are they engaged?

KEVIN: That's the rumor. Who....We don't know. It's just a rumor. We thought maybe...

DD: [pretending to cry] I'm always the *last* to know, aaaah!

BEAN: We thought maybe you could shed some light on that, but...

DD: [mock sarcastic] Obvi....Apparently, I *can NOT.*

KEVIN: Yeah.

BEAN: Tell us about this guy, though. Is he right for her? Or do you have fears as we do? You don't want to get involved with a guy with a talking tattoo. We're just telling you, in general, you stay away from that.

DD: [chuckling] I don't know. He seems like a good guy, um. He's, he's *tall,* which, which, ah, which the ladies like, as you, as *you* know, I'm sure.

BEAN: Well, yeah, look at me--I'm a lady killer.

DD: And, uh..

BEAN: When he showed up at the Emmys, he was wearing one of those shirts, it was opened up down to his waist or something and I just thought, you know, what..she, she's dating like a, like a *bandera* dancer or something? I don't know what's going on.

DD: Well, you know, the ladies like that. What can I say?

BEAN: It's hard for us because we don't think *anyone* is right for Gillian.

DD: Really?

BEAN: We hate....

KEVIN: Well, she's like the perfect woman to us.

DD: Is she?

KEVIN: So it's hard to picture anyone else with her.

DD: Really? Except the two of you?

BEAN: Exactly. That's right.

KEVIN: But not at the same time.

DD: No??? [pregnant pause]

BEAN: We saw one of the, ah, we don't know who it is on the show, but somebody sends us outtakes from your show from time to time, you guys have a very funny outtake reel from "The X-Files."

DD: [mumble-slurs in mock(?) discomfort] Ahhh, yesss.

BEAN: As, as, as, many shows do, but ah, there were two in particular I wanted to bring up that I thought were very funny. One is, there was just this, uh, this *massive* kiss in an elevator with Gillian that was very funny.

DD: Uh, below, below the waist kiss, that one? [K laughs]

BEAN: No, It was a different one.

KEVIN: No, that's where she.....Yeah!

BEAN: Oooh! That's right. That was a good one.

DD: That was from the first season.

BEAN: Is there more of *that* tape.......????

DD: [squashing hopes] Eh, no.

BEAN: Okay, and, two, is uh...

DD: Wha a ma...a *kiss*? Oh, that was......

[Here I think he was going to talk about the kiss from Memento Mori that was cut, but he gets interrupted and never gets back to it. This might confirm that there *is* a 4th Season blooper reel that got smuggled to Kevin and Bean and may eventually wind up with us, let's hope.]

BEAN: Wasn't in an elevator that full-on kiss, you remember, Kevin?

KEVIN: All I remember in an elevator is what *he's* talking about, where she's, ah...

BEAN: Where she gets down.

KEVIN: Gets on her knees, yeah...

BEAN: What am I thinking of, Jimmy?

JIMMY: What? I don't know what the hell you're thinking of!! [laughter]

BEAN: And the other one, and this one's my favorite, is when you, ah, when you mounted Skinner from behind. That was a great take, too. [laughter]

DD: [slyly] Not only *your* favorite, but mine, as well. [laughter]

BEAN: Where you threw *him* over the desk....

DD: Yeah, you know, he's a big guy, but, ah..

BEAN: And a good-looking man...

DD: [proudly] He's my bitch. [general hilarity]

BEAN: And a good-looking man. You, ah, you, ah...

DD: It's tough, you can't grab onto any hair, though.

KEVIN: That *is* tough.

BEAN: Well, yeah.

DD: When you want to hold on when he starts buckin' [laughter]

KEVIN: That's too much information, there.

BEAN: All right, we need to take another break. When we come back, I'd like to, and I know, ah....

DD: [embarrassed] Hold on, I gotta, after that I gotta say---- *Téa, I love you.*

BEAN: Please, there's no fear.

KEVIN: Does that make you feel better?

DD: No.

BEAN: We want to talk a little bit and kinda get up to speed on the show and on the movie when we come back, if that's okay.

DD: "Playing God"

BEAN: And, uh..

KEVIN: Right.

DD: Opens Friday.

BEAN: And maybe...

DD: October 17, 1997.

BEAN: And maybe take some calls, too, if you don't mind doing that.

DD: Absolutely, I love the calls.

BEAN: Cuz I know you love the kids.

DD: Love the kids, love the fans.

KEVIN: 9:04 right now.

[Break] [Sports segment begins]

JIMMY: Arright, Dave wants to help out. You might want to get on your mike, there. Arright. So, sports. Did ya see the game last night?

DD: No, I was working, but, ah, I wanted to say I heard....

JIMMY: AHHH!!! 11 innings...no score...nail-biter. Reminded me of my old wiffle-ball days. [DD laughs]

JIMMY: You'd say it didn't? So, anyway, scoreless game. Ended on a solo home run from Tony Fernandez. Indians break the Baltimore Orioles 1 nothing, let me tell you....

DD: You know, if they want to have an exciting game over there in Camden Yard, they should turn the lights on. Because they're all gonna be nothin' nothin' til the 15th inning if they keep playing in the dark.

JIMMY: I know cuz they got half the field in the shade, it's like some kinda trick baseball.

DD: I know.

JIMMY: Hey, this is like Sports Talk [turns to Kevin and Bean] You two can get lost if you want.

KEVIN: No problem.

DD: [imitates a drunk New York sports fan] I tink dey should play wid an *orange* baseball.

[laughter]

JIMMY: It works better and it's pretty. So, Orioles...

DD: [still imitating drunk New Yorker] And dey should make da *bats* bigger, like dey did in tennis!

[laughter]

DD: Just make da really *big* bats and you'll get more home runs. [laughter]

JIMMY: Orioles are out, Indians are in. That means Cleveland and Florida World Series game one in Miami Saturday at 5:00. I'll be there. Let's all be there. By the way, on TV they showed a guy at the game wearing a "My Wife Thinks I'm at the Promise-Keepers" T-shirt.

[laughter]

JIMMY: In Anaheim, some possible good news for a change. Paul Korrie's agent says his client is unhappy with the way things are going with the Ducks, but he has *not* cut off negotiations. He wants to move the whole team up to Vancouver, is the talk..

KEVIN: Really?

JIMMY: You get that? Cuz that's you..

DD: Cuz his wife lives in Vancouver.

KEVIN & BEAN: That's right. [general laughter]

DD: [back to NY voice] I tink dey should make da puck *orange.* [laughter]

JIMMY: Kings, ah, tied the Boston Bruins. I mean, they didn't tie... no, they lost to the Bruins 5-2. The Ducks tied the Flyers.

DD: It doesn't matter, does it? It's just regular season.

JIMMY: It's a miracle season for the Kings. NFL's opened the door for any stadium that wants a team here in LA to make a pitch. Coliseum Group loses exclusivity. So if you know anybody with a big place, give `em a call. Some of that popular NFL football tonight. Chargers at Kansas City 5:00 on TNT. Clippers in exhibition at Milwaukee. You know, the Bulls are in Paris this week. They play in exhibition there Saturday and Michael Jordan says he's enjoying his low key presence in Paris. In other words, the French don't know or really care who he is. Jerry Lewis they swarm. Michael Jordon, eh. "Oui, oui, this Michael Jordan. He is bouncing this basketball. Who gives a poo poo?" See, that's my French.

KEVIN: That's good French.

DD: That's very good, but, you know, the basketball already *is* orange. [laughter]

DD: I got no changes for that. I think it's great. They could make it a little *bigger.* [general hilarity]

JIMMY: They could make it a little orang*er* actually. Anyway, to me this is a disgrace, these friggin' French. You ignore Michael Jordan? That is a slap in the face of America. Are we gonna sit around and get bitch-slapped by the French? I don't know about you Butthole Surfers, but I ain't. Duchovny?

DD: Yeah, I'll get slapped by the French.

JIMMY: You will???

DD: Sure.

JIMMY: Well, hell if I'm gonna!! I'm going over there right now. K-Rock Sports, I'm Jimmy. [Break] ["Tub-Thumping" --by Chumbawumba]

KEVIN: 106.7 K-Rock, KROQ, Kevin and Bean Show at 9:13. Dave Duchovny in the studio.

BEAN: Hey, Dave.

DD: Hallo.

BEAN: Dave is going to be glad when all this is over. The movie "Playing God" opens up tomorrow. He plays a doctor. We're hearing really good things about it, so run out and go see that. Uh, we also want to talk about, I know we've got a lot of people on the phone who want to talk about....The, ah, "X-Files" is coming back on November 2. I guess it is the latest of the new shows coming back because of, ah, baseball, right? I guess they didn't wanna....

DD: No, it's not baseball. We were doing the movie this hiatus, so ...

BEAN: Right.

DD: So instead of going back to shooting the show in mid-July, which is what we normally do, we, we, we were shooting the movie until September.

BEAN: Oh, I see.

DD: So so, we, we just got a later start on the TV show.

BEAN: So November 2 is going to be the premiere. Have you heard this, by the way? This version of "The X-Files"?

DD: Heard what?

BEAN: Have you heard this theme song? This is the classical version of "The X-Files." I don't know if you've heard this.

DD: I'm not hearing anything. Is it playing?

BEAN: Is Dave screwing with us?

KEVIN: I don't know.

DD: No, I got nuthin' in here.

[voice in the background]: Hold on a sec. [sounds of scrabbling around]

BEAN: Oh, your headphones are.....

DD: Oh, there it is.

BEAN: Have you heard this yet? This is cool. I can't remember where I bought this but, I found this, like, in an import store and just, I fell in love with it. I think it is so cool.

KEVIN: It's the dance remix.

BEAN: Yeah, exactly. So, anyway, so, the, the movie....

DD: The interpretive dance remix.

KEVIN: Slow dance.

BEAN: Is the movie going to be called Blackwood, or is that just the Hollywood name for it?

DD: That was just so people knew where to park.

BEAN: I see, okay. You probably, ah, can't tell us anything about the movie.

DD: Um.

BEAN: Because you have a whole season leading up to whatever's going to happen next summer in the movie, I guess.

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: Everything's out of order for you.

DD: And I don't think you *want* to know anything about the movie. You know, the, the shows are always better when you *don't* know what's going on and, ah, all I can tell you about the movie is that if you don't know the show, it's still a good movie, and if you, if you love the show, it's a great movie.

KEVIN: Is it true that the season leads up to it with the story line?

DD: Yeah. Not *every* show is leading up to it.

BEAN: Right, right.

DD: But, you know, those shows that we do that kind of further the conspiracy story, *those* will be leading to the movie, yeah.

KEVIN: That's about, like, one every three or four...

DD: Five.

KEVIN: Five?

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: Did you take advantage of things that you can do on film that you can't do on the TV, like, ah, you know use bad words and show your ass?

DD: [teasingly] Uh...I don't think I did.......I DID show my ass!

BEAN: Yess!!

KEVIN: You did show your ass!!! Now we're talkin'!

BEAN: Oh, I'm there then!

DD: [jokingly] I'm very proud of that.

BEAN: Did, ah, did Scully use the "F" word? That was one of the things I heard.

DD: [slyly] Um.........she *does*.

BEAN: She does in the movie.

DD: As a matter of fact.

BEAN: Oh, there you go.

DD: Yeah, she says "frankfurter."

[laughter]

KEVIN: Really?

BEAN: Oh, a little something extra. Well, let's ah, Dave, I know you are always gracious enough to take calls from the K-Rock listeners when you're on, so let's take a few.

DD: Bring it on.

BEAN: Let's begin with Mary Ann. Hello, Mary Ann.

MA: Oh, yes, hello.

DD: Hi, Mary Ann.

MA: I just wanted to say "hi" to David.

DD: Hi.

MA: And tell him that I'm a fan. I've been a fan of yours since, like, "The Rapture," believe it or not.

DD: Really, way back in the `40's, there.

MA: And I was just wondering...my question actually kind of dealt with that..um, you had kind of an embarrassing, not embarrassing necessarily, but a full kind of nudity scene....

DD: Yeah.

MA: So I was just wondering if you were going to be do anything more like that in the future, now that you're, like, the big "hot and happening star" as Rosie O'Donnell put it, if you're just going to be doing maybe just the back side, like you said.

BEAN: I heard Dave's going into straight porn.

DD: No, gay porn.

BEAN: Gay porn, even better.

KEVIN: So, your basic question is he ever going to show his penis again? [MA hysterical giggles]

DD: No, no, I didn't show my penis in the Rapture. You didn't see it.

MA: Uh, well....it depends [more giggles]

KEVIN: It depends on how closely you looked.

[Note: Actually, David is partially right and Mary Ann is partially right. When "Randy" backs off from the bed when his girlfriend gets a sudden urge to change the sheets in the middle of the night, you get a view of his whole magnificent back and buttocks. When he slides his legs off the bed, there are dangly bits quite visible. So while David is right that he didn't show his penis, Mary Ann is right that there is definite genitalia happening on screen, even if testicular and not penile.]

BEAN: As, as an actor, I guess, as an actor, how do you feel about uh, the nudity in films, I guess is a better way to put it.

DD: I feel like, ah....

BEAN: Alright, SHUT UP! [laughter]

BEAN: She's *still* going!

DD: Wait, I thought you were talking to me. You asked me a question and then told me to shut up.

BEAN: No, no.

DD: Um, I feel like some scenes you have clothes on and some scenes you have no clothes on, and if the scene calls for it, then the nudity is fine. If it is just a scene *about* nudity, then that's stupid and it shouldn't be in the film, but, you know.....

KEVIN: That's the way we do *this* show, sometimes.

DD: Sometimes ya got clothes on, sometimes ya don't.

BEAN: Tuesday and Wednesday we worked bareassed, remember? It seemed to fit.

DD: Not on *this* seat, did ya?

KEVIN: Ah, alright let's go to line 3 and say good morning to Liz. Hello, Liz.

BEAN: Hey, Liz.

Liz: Hi, David.

DD: Hi, hi Liz, how are you?

Liz: Fine, and you?

DD: I'm....I'm pre.......good, considering.

Liz: First, I wanted to let you know I *love* "The X-Files." My boyfriend and I and our friends watch it every Sunday and we can't wait for November 2.

DD: Okay. Thank you.

Liz: My question is what did you do before you were an actor? I know it is probably a boring question. You get asked that all the time, but..

DD: I was nursing at my Mother's breasts. [laughter]

KEVIN: Been a long time.

DD: Yeah. I, I left home late.

BEAN: What was your plan going to be before you got the acting bug in college?

DD: I was, uh, gonna write, I was. I went to graduate school for English Literature and I was going to teach and write and then I started to think I wanted to write for the stage or screenplays, so I thought I should learn something about acting, and then I started acting, and then...

BEAN: That was cool.

DD: And now I find myself sitting here today.

KEVIN: Doing that a lot, yeah.

BEAN: Will you, will you write again in the future? Is that something you'd like to keep, keep in the back of your mind?

DD: I hope so.

KEVIN: Tell us about..

DD: There's no great demand, but, ah, you know, I would like to.

KEVIN: Tell us about the role that you played on our other favorite show of all time, which is "Twin Peaks" where you were, ah..

BEAN: A chick.

KEVIN: What the hell were you, a chick?

DD: I don't know what I was, I was like...

KEVIN: Some kind of transvestite.....

DD: I was RuPaul's inspiration, is what I was. [laughter]

KEVIN: FBI agent, or something.

DD: All right.

BEAN: Hey, that was a big deal at that time, to have David Lynch put you in a TV show.

DD: It was *huge*.

BEAN: Yeah, I mean seriously, and a great show, too.

DD: It was a great job to get and it was a great part, and I think that if the show had lasted, it would have been a great recurring character on television...

BEAN: Sure.

DD: And I think it would have been like a *ground-breaking* one and I'm really sorry that.....it didn't go on, cuz I loved the character and I thought it was a great idea. [K chuckles]

DD: No, seriously.

KEVIN: And you were wearing a dress?

DD: I was wearing a dress, I shaved my legs, I had pantyhose on... [laughter]

KEVIN: You were Marv Albert before he was.

DD: [gets defensive] No, you know, leave Marv alone, because I love Marv. Marv... [chuckles in background]

KEVIN: So do we.

DD: What people don't know about Marv is that he is the *best* play-by-play announcer of all time.

KEVIN: Absolutely.

BEAN: And you probably grew up listening to him do the Rangers and everything else, right? In New York?

DD: The, the, ah, the Knicks.

BEAN: Both, right.

DD: [does dead-on Marv Albert impression, but I can't make out what he says at the beginning--it is basketball lingo] Yessssssss!!! And it *counts*!!!

BEAN: Ladies, he even does impressions! Alright, let's take a couple more calls. 1-800-520-1067.

KEVIN: Let's go to Tad. Hello, Tad.

Tad: Hi David, I love the show.

DD: Thanks.

Tad: I have a question for you. Do you believe in extra-terrestrial beings out there?

DD: Let me see.....

KEVIN: [laughing] Hold on...

DD: Let me.....

BEAN: Hey, hey, hey, Tad? Tad, Tad, you already asked him that!

DD: [sarcastically] All right, hold on. Let me, let me see if I can answer this, um, I wanna, I wanna consider it carefully, beca..... *NO*! [laughter]

BEAN: Dave, you won't remember this, but there was a time years ago when the man on the phone there, Tad, who works for this show, interviewed you, and you took him apart as if you were a mechanic with a wrench, and just, you took him apart into a thousand pieces. And it is probably the most requested tape we get on this show, is the interview that Tad did with you.

DD: Can you play that now?

BEAN: I have, I have a snippet of part of the best part. And I hope this brings back good memories for you.

DD: Okay.

[Tape begins to play]

Tad: Okay now, okay now the question is: Do you believe in extra-terrestrial beings out there?

DD: [exasperated] Now, that is just the *lamest* question. [DD laughs live in studio] My god, can't you think of anything better than that?

[Bean says live: "Now he's regrouping]

Tad: Would you like to go into outer space?.....I don't know [whimpers]

DD: [cooly] I'm just sitting here hoping you get abducted.

[Tape ends; there is laughter live in studio]

BEAN: Now that's a portion of it, but that was the tone of the interview for about 6 minutes. You just, you took Tad, who is already very frail and very fat and very dumb, and you just took him apart, layer by layer, to the point where he was nothing but a puddle on the floor when you were done with him.

DD: [in an apologetic tone] He's so funny.

[laughter]

DD: I remember him now, yeah. You were funny...we were having fun, weren't we?

Tad: [sarcastically] Oh, yeah.....Thank you, Dave.

DD: How is it there at the hospital? [laughter]

BEAN: That's when we realized that Tad was perfect for this show to do interviews, though, because of the way he handled you.

KEVIN: All right. We need to take another break. You have time, ah?

BEAN: Aw! We can't!!

DD: That was a quick one.

KEVIN: I know.

DD: I'll stay here.

KEVIN: All right, let's take another break. Dave Duchovny's in the studio.

DD: [prompting] For? Why, why am I staying here?........

KEVIN: [confused] More questions?

DD: [prompting] And...the...??

KEVIN: Just frivolity?

DD: [prompting again] And to get people to see the movie called?????......

KEVIN: [light bulb goes on] "Playing God"!!!! Opens tomorrow everywhere!

DD: [satisfied] That's it, okay.

[Break]

BEAN: This is KROQ, the Kevin and Bean Show, 9:23. We have Dave Duchovny in the studio. He's playing a doctor in "Playing God" it opens up tomorrow, ah

[Note: the sound goes out here on the tape.]

DD: .....down tonight.

BEAN: Thank you very much, gonna be doing that. Dave, let me ask you..

KEVIN: What's the name of the theater, did we say?

BEAN: The Mann, in, ah, Westwood. It'll be easy to find.

[Lose sound again]

DD: Good.

BEAN: I mean I really kind of identify with what you're talking about. It seems so bizarre because you're kind of in the mode of most people date a couple of years before they get married.

DD: Right.

BEAN: But there are certain circumstances where you go "Well, it doesn't get any better than this."

DD: No. Well, some relationships work out and some don't, but, ah....you just gotta go with your heart, I guess.

BEAN: Right.

DD: And it doesn't matter *when* you decide to go with it, it's either after 3 months or after 3 years, but who knows.

BEAN: What ah....so how long you been married now?

DD: About 5 1/2, 6 months.

BEAN: What I, what I've found is that we still...the relationship still kind of went through those same experiences that you go through in a relationship a year in, two years, three years in, it's just, it's different because you're married rather than just dating and when you get to that point, as you would if you were single "hey, do we break up or not?" it's really kind of not an option because you're already married.

DD: Well, that's what I....

BEAN: So you tend to work a little harder at it.

DD: Well, that's what I like about it. There's no, there's....I think there's less drama because there's not this fear that every little thing is going to split you up.

BEAN: Bingo.

DD: You know, you're gonna, you, you've made a commitment to hang in there and, uh, you know you're gonna do that, so *I like that* part of it, especially because we're apart so much.

BEAN: Well, I've been....It's been 6 years for me next week.

DD: Yeah?

BEAN: This 5 month thing.

DD: Well, congratulations.

BEAN: And, uh, and uh, it's ah, it's weird because people never, never get over the amazment of how fast it happened.

DD: Oh, they *still* talk about it?

BEAN: They still, they still, I mean, everybody in the office pool-- there was an office pool here, man, no one gave it more than 2 years.

DD: Really?

KEVIN: That's true.

BEAN: Here's the question I wanted to ask...

[KEVIN to BEAN]: But it's also because *you're* involved in the relationship.

BEAN: Well, yeah, that's true, too.

KEVIN: That has something to do with it, too. You know what? We've, we've been stalking your wife for quite some time.

DD: I don't blame you.

KEVIN: From the very beginning when she was due in then, and she never responded to us, I know that.

DD: Oh really?

KEVIN: We talk about her, you know, "hey, we'd like to have her in" you know.

DD: Yeah?

BEAN: It's true. We have.

DD: She's very private. Un, unlike *me*, ah...

KEVIN: This week

DD: She, she's very private and she, she really, um, treasures her..whatever anonymity she can, uh. You know, to be talked about in the way that she's talked about, which is, you know, everybody seems to be in love with her, is...

KEVIN: Right.

DD: is somewhat, ah, it's tough for her...

KEVIN: It's pretty tough, though, when have a, when you're the star of a show to not be talked about.

DD: [world-weary tone] I know, I know.

KEVIN: You kinda...

BEAN: No, let me ask you this downside, though. You can't watch Monday Night Football at your house, right?

DD: Ah, actually, Téa does not want me to watch her show, and, ah, and when I'm in Vancouver and she's in L.A., she calls me constantly during the time of the show.

BEAN: To make sure it's on?

DD: And I don't answer, cuz I like to watch the show, just cuz I love *her.* I love to *watch* her, actually, and, and I would, I would watch her even if I wasn't married to her.

BEAN: Um hum.

DD: I would watch her if I didn't *know* her. I just think she's the *best* comic actress in the last 2000 years, you know.

KEVIN: That's a lot of years.

DD: Well, you know, I'm going back to prehistoric age cuz they had some, some cave women who were pretty damn funny.

[laughter]

BEAN: Hey, if it doesn't work out with Téa, god forbid, you oughta marry that Dharma, because she's got that same kind of, ah, funny....

DD: I don't agree.

BEAN: Oh, really?

DD: I think she, she's like "Téa Leoni Light."

BEAN: Ya think so? [laughter]

BEAN: All right, here's one more question I wanted to ask you about the wedding because we laughed for days when we saw that you had worn like a fake mustache or something at the ah, at the wedding. Is that true?

DD: [chuckling ruefully] Yeah, yeah.

BEAN: How did that work to protect your anonymity?

DD: Ah, well, they thought, um, I thought maybe they'd think "Who's the guy with the fake mustache?"

KEVIN: That's when you were getting the license, right? Or?

DD: Yeah, I was getting the license to, to get married, cuz you have to wait 24 hours after you get the license.

KEVIN: Right.

DD: It's like gettin' a gun, you know.

BEAN: Unlike Las Vegas, by the way, which is where *we* eloped to, where you can decide in a minute and go get married instantly.

DD: So it wasn't enough to just get married after 5 months, you had to do it right that day?

BEAN: At that moment, right, exactly.

DD: Well, you know, if, if you don't, ah, do it right away, everyone tries to step in and tell you not to do it.

BEAN: Um hum.

DD: Like, is it *any* of their business???

BEAN: Ah, well, I think they had *my* wife's best interests at heart. [laughter]

BEAN: I don't know what the situation was with you, but..

KEVIN: You two are very different people, let's not forget that.

BEAN: No one was going to Téa and saying "this Duchovny guy's a loser; don't marry him." You know, it was a different kind of thing.

DD: Well, she didn't talk to any of my family members, so yeah, she didn't get any of that.

BEAN: And no one back at the show knew about it, right?

DD: No one, um, I think I told Chris Carter, um, but really nobody knew and we were just having my family members there. My Mother, and my sister and my brother, and *her* family members, her parents and her brother, and that was *it*.

BEAN: Yeah.

DD: That's the whole wedding party and uh, it wasn't really that hard to pull off, except for the marriage license, cuz we had everything planned and nobody knew *anything*.

BEAN: Yeah.

DD: Until, like, you know, I had..I pulled out this fake mustache. [laughter]

KEVIN: Until the mustache.

DD: And this Yankee cap and sunglasses, and I thought that I could pull it off, but, ah, you know, somebody called in and said, you know, "David Duchovny is wearing the lamest fake mustache I've ever seen."

BEAN: Well, they really do, they have full-time people--that's all they do is track down the comings and goings of celebrities, especially in New York, and I'm sure they got a guy in the city clerk office.

DD: Ya think?

BEAN: Yeah.

KEVIN: Sure.

BEAN: I mean, I really do. It's like when they knew Noel Gallagher was getting married in Oasis...

DD: Right.

BEAN: Don't tell me they, they didn't have every marriage bureau in *England* on full alert "hey, there's a thousand pounds in it for you if you give us the tip."

DD: Well, the scary thing was when we got there, the line was like around in the hallway, the line must have been 200 people deep, and I thought "we're never gonna *get* married" because the computer was down.

BEAN: Right.

DD: [ironic tone] Can you imagine in New York the computer wasn't working? So my manager, we actually had to plead, like, "celebrity," which is one of my favorite pleas. So my manager went up and she said to the woman [DD uses a funny stage whisper] "Uh, the man in the cheesy mustache, that's, uh, David Duchovny" and, of course, she said ssssss....[intending to say "so what" I think]

KEVIN: "Who?"

DD: [flatly] "Who?" [laughter]

BEAN: The people that you *want* to recognize you never do.

DD: Absolutely. The cops and the marriage license people. So we got to, we *cheated* and we got to have a little private thing and we got out of there cuz....

KEVIN: And it still didn't work.

DD: That didn't work, but we'd been waiting on line an *hour.*

KEVIN: Oh, really.

DD: Just standing there and people looking at this shiny cellophane under my mustache. [laughter]

KEVIN: You should have worn one of those surgical masks like Michael Jackson. Maybe that would have done it.

DD: Yeah, yeah, they would have thought I was Michael Jackson.

BEAN: Hey, that was another one. When he married Lisa Marie, none of us believed it. Remember when everybody was calling down to Haiti or wherever it was, going "No way."

DD: Oh, they got married in Haiti?

BEAN: Something like...Dominican Republic? Haiti? Where was it? Something like that.

KEVIN: Dominican Republic.

BEAN: Ah, same thing.

DD: It's the same island.

BEAN: But I'll tell you, Dave, there are very few celebrities, most celebrities are married, but very few will go on TV and be the romantic fool and just say, in front of everyone "I love my wife, I'm crazy about her."

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: Blah..I mean, most people they're kind of..

DD: Well, why NOT?

BEAN: They're embarrassed. I mean, I don't know, I mean, ah, very few people do it. LL Cool J does that where every time he gets up he talks about, you know "Thank god I'm married to my wife." Most people don't, I think, like its not hip or something.

DD: See, see I, I, I feel that LL Cool J is braver to pull his one pant leg up. [laughter]

DD: [matter of factly] I feel like, you know, if it's the truth, why not say it? I think people appreciate it and, uh, you know, people are suspect of these kinds of marriages, like, uh, I don't know why. But we're just, we're just two people that met and, and fell in love and it's really just, ah, as simple as that, and the fact that we're, we're public people and both happen to be actors on TV shows at this time is like a weird coincidence.

BEAN: Right.

DD: Because it would have happened otherwise, you know, cuz she was going to be a lawyer. Sometimes we say "You know, would we have met otherwise?" and, and I, I say "Well, I'd be an actor and you'd be a lawyer and I'd be saving, like, 5% of my income and it'd be even better."

BEAN: [chuckles] Well, people are very happy for ya, I know that....

DD: I, I really have to say that's been the great thing is that I, I'm not used to the good will. I mean, I guess I always thought that there was a certain amount of, like, ah, you know, people want to take you down when you're doing well and stuff like that, but when I married Téa, um, I, I just feel like everybody likes us together.

BEAN: Um hum.

DD: And everybody wants us to do well and nobody's taking crappy shots at us and things like that.

KEVIN: It helps that everybody likes her, too, and everybody likes you already but when you start....

DD: [emphatically] I don't really think it's me. I really think it's her, and I'm being totally honest. I'm not being humble. I think, ah, I've never met anyone that has so much good will towards *her* in terms of talent and just personality.

BEAN: Except for this show, by the way, which she *snubs*. [pregnant pause]

DD: Well, like I said, she's private. [laughter]

DD: [earnestly] But if, you know, if you met her, you know, if you met her at a party or if you met her, you know, if she was just in this room and not on the air, you would, you would love her, too.

BEAN: Like her, yeah. Are, are people following you around whenever you do get a chance to be together? I saw the pictures of you at the Knicks game, for instance.....

DD: Yeah, well that's a Knicks game, so you know...

BEAN: You're kinda out there in the public..

DD: In exchange for those great seats, ya gotta have your picture taken.

BEAN: Right, exactly.

DD: That's just tit for tat, but, um, it was tough in New York when we first got married, and I don't know if you read about, like, that thing with, with...

BEAN: The cup of coffee.

DD: [irritated] Yeah, yeah, that was such horseshit [word bleeped].

BEAN: Not, not a good thing to do, right.

KEVIN: Can't really say that, thanks.

DD: Okay, okay, that was *bull*.

BEAN: You have said since then that you regret throwing the cup of coffee.

DD: Well, let me tell you the whole story.

BEAN: Okay.

DD: Do I have time?

KEVIN & BEAN: Sure.

DD: All right.

KEVIN: Depends on how much time you have to stay here, because we got another half hour.

DD: Okay.

BEAN: You're the man.

DD: I don't know. Um, this, this one particular woman is objectionable andI think she's got many law suits pending against her for abusive behavior towards celebrities and of trying to antagonize them. And she'd been there the whole week, just in our faces and trying to get us, goading us into doing something, and she was there *again* and, um, I had a *very cold* cup of coffee in my hand....

[KEVIN evil chuckle]:

DD: I, I would, you know, even if this woman had pulled a knife on me, I wouldn't throw *hot* coffee on anybody. I mean, I'd hate to think that anybody thought that, even though, even though she is a *horrible* person...

BEAN: Um hum. [laughter in the background] And deserves it.

DD: [mock snotty] I tossed, I tossed the coffee at the, ah, the video camera guy and I missed him and I hit her, on the shin, like really low, and I was so proud that, uh, I'd hit her, uh, I took credit for it, like I'd been aiming at her. But the truth of the matter is I wasn't aiming at her, it was a lucky shot. It was a cold cup of coffee, and....that's the end of the story. I'm sor- I shouldn't a, I shouldn't a thrown anything, but, you know.....

BEAN: That's what they want you to do, isn't it? It is...they're looking for the video they can sell.

DD: Yeah. I was an, I was an idiot.

BEAN: "X-Files Star Throws Tantrum"......on Hard Copy.

DD: I was an idiot, you know...you just..

KEVIN: That's gotta be a weird life out there, you know, with people trying to goad you into doing that kind of stuff.

BEAN: Hey, if that's the worst thing you ever do, Dave, you know, don't worry about it.

DD: Um.

BEAN: Seriously.

DD: [contrite tone] I feel that way. I'm a little embarrassed at, at throwing coffee and throwing coffee at a woman, but...

BEAN: [placatingly, tongue in cheek] Yeah, we know what a hot head you are, man, you don't have to explain it to us. [K laughs]

BEAN: We understand.

DD: [shouts jokingly] DUCK!!! Ah!!!

BEAN: We understand.

KEVIN: All right, we need to find out how mu...What's your, what your schedule is. We have a couple more things that we want to accomplish.

BEAN: Can we do one more break with you?

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: Will you stick around for one more?

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: Okay, we got Dave Duchovny in the studio. The movie again "Playing God" opens up tomorrow and I tell you what, in the next break, we'll take care of some business and then we'll give away whatever tickets we have left for the screening tonight, so stick around on K-Rock.

[Break] [Everything (?)--by Foo Fighters]

KEVIN: It's the world-famous K-Rock, 106.7, KROQ, and it's the Kevin and Bean show at 9:40. The movie is "Playing God," it opens up tomorrow, he is Dave Duchovny in the studio with us.

DD: [in a funny sing-song voice] Can't get *rid* of me.

BEAN: We're just talking to Dave about, Dave you're one of the funniest people we know, yet you don't, people don't ask you to do comedy.

DD: Well, uh, you know, maybe they'll start, you know. I'm Mr., Mr. Sullen Intensity right now on, ah, "The X-Files."

BEAN: Right.

DD: And, uh, you know, that just happens to be one role, and and, we'll see, we'll see what happens.

KEVIN: But even on "The X-Files" there's certain episodes where it's pretty funny, I mean....

DD: I try.

KEVIN: some breakthrough.

DD: I try. That's, you know, my response to life, really. My Dad said I was an ironic baby. [laughter]

DD: And that was when I was 18. No, actualy, no. He said I was, I was an ironic *infant.*

BEAN: Really?

DD: I don't know what that means, but I really like it.

BEAN: But it stuck with you all these years.

DD: I think maybe I had an arched eyebrow.

BEAN: We were talking about....

DD: [in a "like, whatever" voice] I was, like *waahh* [laughter]

BEAN: *whatever*

DD: [same voice] How about some *leche* Mom. [laughter]

BEAN: We were talking during the Foo Fighter's song someone brought up your episode with Gary Shandling, "The Larry Sander's Show."

DD: Yeah, yeah.

BEAN: Wha..I guess you got nominated for...

DD: An Emmy.

BEAN: An Emmy or something like that and, uh, one of the funniest half hours of television ever. It was, it was just, it was magnificent.

DD: I...

BEAN: And it looked like it was fun to do.

DD: It was. It' s so much fun to work with, with, with Gary, uh, because he just....it's almost like being in here, because you basically do what you want. You have, you have *some* ideas, some parameters, that you're going for. We had the the idea of I was a straight man with a, with a crush on Larry and other than that, we just, we just let it fly. And he, and he is actually a *great* actor. People don't know that, but, ah, he's, you know...

BEAN: It's hard to tell sometimes when someone is playing himself, how much he is acting.

DD: Well, he's not really playing himself, he's playing Larry Sanders. You know, people, you know, whenever people say you're playing yourself or whatever, it's really not *that*. You're playing a scripted character in another situation. You're just trying to be as relaxed as you can and maybe you're not altering your voice or whatever, but he's not playing himself.

BEAN: One of my favorite X-Files episodes from last season was the one where *you* got to play yourself.

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: When you had a guy take over your body...

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: and you were acting as if you were just new to Mulder and it was very funny.

DD: That was...that was a lot of fun to do. I was kind of imitating, ah, Darin Morgan, who is one of our writers, who's playing the guy who's supposed to be morphing into me, so I, I had access to his, his little quirks.

BEAN: And, and "What a loser" was the quote.

DD: [laughs] Yeah.

BEAN: What a loser.

DD: Well, you know, it's funny. On "The X-Files" they like to have fun....with....me. Y-you'll notice they never make fun of Gillian.

BEAN: Um hum.

DD: [mock aggrieved] But they'll make fun of my nose, uh, they will make fun of me as a loser, they will make fun of my fff-figure? Can you say that? As a man? Ah, [laughter]

DD: But, but not once, that I remember have they, have they made fun of, of Scully, and uh..

KEVIN: Isn't that ironic?

BEAN: Maybe this is the season?

DD: [mock petulantly] I'm quittin'. I'm quittin'.

BEAN: This is the season to just be cruel.

DD: Yeah.

BEAN: We ought to mention, by the way, that, ah, it was a great day this summer when FX started re-running "The X-Files" at 8 and at 11.

DD: [slyly] Great day for the old Duchovny *bank account.*

BEAN: I bet it was. I bet it was. [K laughs]

BEAN: And you probably know this, it's far and away the most poplular program on FX. They're getting over a million viewers to, ah, each episode.

DD: Do they have, do they have another program *on* FX?

BEAN: Yeah, well, they're collecting....

DD: I love it when they say "It's far and away the most popular" of ... *three* programs on FX.

KEVIN: I think you're up against "Miami Vice" or the "A-Team," or something.

DD: [laughing] Yeah.

BEAN: I, uh, I missed some of the ones in the first season, so it's been fun for me.

DD: It's fun, then. I think, uh, I think it's great because I think a lot of people got into the show the third year, the second year, the fourth year, so it's, you know, it's a show that has grown over time and it's a show that has similar stories coming back, it stands... you know, it's good to see the old ones.

KEVIN: Are you getting tired of it?

DD: Of doing the show? Well, yeah. I mean it's hard to come in and do the same job every day. I'm, I'm...I love the show and I'm loyal to it and all that and, uh, it's like, uh, if it was just *7* months out of the year, it would be fantastic, instead of 10.

KEVIN: You could do it for years if that were the case, I bet.

DD: [tongue in cheek] Absolutely, so if everybody starts writing in and saying "give us just 14 episodes a year, please."

KEVIN: Yeah, that'll happen.

DD: I'll go on forever.

KEVIN: That'll happen.

BEAN: We, ah, wanna, I know this is the last break we have with you, Dave, and there's a couple of things we wanted to accomplish. We have, ah, on the phone a woman who, I'm sorry, I don't have her name. Do you have her name? BeccaElizabeth, who lives in England, and she runs one of the many Dave Duchovny web sites and I don't think she's a psycho, though, because I did some correspondence with her yesterday and she's got a very loving tribute to you on, on the web.

DD: Okay.

BEAN: And I thought it might be neat because, ah, you know, you're, ah, here. I thought it might be neat to put you two kids together. Becca, are you there?

BECCA: Yeah, I'm here.

BEAN: How are you doing this morning?

BECCA: Evening. Yeah, I'm doing okay.

BEAN: Well, we have your man Dave Duchovny here in the studio. Why don't you tell us a little bit about your web site that I came across yesterday?

BECCA: Well, it's called "The Church of Our Guy David Duchovny" [http://www.geocities.com/Athens/Delphi/4315] and it's kind of a sideways look at philosophy and religion and stuff.

DD: So what would be an ex....Hi, this is David. Hi Becca.

BECCA: Hi.

DD: BeccaElizabeth? [long pause] Yeah, what would be like... Did you say philosophy? What would be one of the tenets of, ah, of your, ah......

BEAN: Your church.

DD: Well, I didn't want to say that.

BECCA: Well, uh, it's mostly about trying to find out your own answers from wherever you start from. There's a piece about your views on karma. There was a quote about that in an interview and I used that as a start for a piece about karma.

DD: [somewhat surprised] Oh, that's *nice*.

BECCA: And stuff like that.

DD: You know, that kind of, that kind of verifies something that I've thought, cuz people have asked me what it's like to have web sites dedicated to you and fan clubs and things like that, and, and my response has been I feel that I'm a, an *ice breaker* for conversation. I don't feel like these people, you know, it appears to be worship in some way but it's not really...

BEAN: Um hmm.

DD: It's just like a common topic, so when you say that you're just using me to kind of go off and have other discussions, that makes me feel really good.

BECCA: [laughs shyly] Well, ah, it's very much about *you*, as well.

DD: No no no no no [laughs]. [general laughter]

DD: [admonishingly] Now, Becca....

BEAN: I liked Becca's web site because....

DD: [mock overly-patient]: Becca, let me just say what I said *again*..... [laughter]

DD: I want you to listen this time. [Sincerely] No, thank you very much.

BEAN: I liked her web site, though, because it was not just one of the, you know, *drooling* fans of Dave Duchovny, where "Here's his picture from US, and here's...."

BECCA: No, there's lots of them already.

BEAN: Yeah, there's plenty of those already, and it really did seem to be something different and what really caught my eye, Bec, and I wanted you to have the chance to tell Dave this, is that you wrote about something that *you* have done for Dave that he doesn't even know about and you said you've kind of been embarrassed or you've never had the opportunity to tell him about it and I thought it would be neat for him to hear it from you.

DD: I'd love to hear it, Becca.

BECCA: Oh, I named a star "David Duchovny."

DD: [pleased and surprised] Really?

BEAN: You named a star?

BECCA: Yes, a star, it is in the constellation "Leo" [because that is DD's astrological sign, of course] and it's a real star and it's really named "David Duchovny" now.

DD: Wow.

BEAN: And this is one of those...and this is Universal Star Listing where you send a certain amount of money and they send you a certificate or something?

BECCA: Yep. Yeah.

DD: [graciously accepting gift] I...that's, that's a wonderful gift. Thank you. [Playfully] Do you think there's *life* on that star? On that planet?

BECCA: Well, ah, be kinda weird if some aliens landed and said "Hi, we're from David Duchovny." [Laughter]

KEVIN: Wouldn't that be funny if that really happened?

BEAN: An amazing coincidence, I think.

DD: I will be....I just know that I'll be pissed if somebody builds there before I get there. [Laughter]

BEAN: Well, it is the gift that keeps on giving, Becca, I gotta tell ya that, and you're, and you're...

DD: Becca, that's a wonderful gift, thank you.

BEAN: And your site is, and your site is very nice and I'm glad you got the chance to talk to your man Dave.

BECCA: Right.

DD: Hey, Becca, take care, okay?

BECCA: Yeah, thanks.

DD: Alright. Bye bye.

BEAN: See ya later. We e-mailed each other a couple times yesterday. I wanted to get her phone number and she said "I get so nervous when I think about Dave I don't know if I'll be able to talk to him on the phone, but I'll try."

DD: She didn't sound nervous at all.

BEAN: No, she sounded fine.

DD: [mock(?) aggrieved] In fact, she sounded like she didn't *care.*

KEVIN: She sounded bored. [Laughter]

DD: I felt, I felt like I was trying to keep her on the phone. [Laughter]

BEAN: Becca, did we call at a bad time? Right, all right, before you go we've got one more thing to do with our friend Dave before we urge you to come down and see him at the screening tonight and then go see the movie this weekend, ah, and it's "20 Questions" with Dave Duchovny.

DD: [taken aback by number of questions] Wow.

KEVIN: Which is your favorite animal in the zoo?

DD: [in a thrilled 5-year-old's voice] Effelant!!

KEVIN: Can you name any of the humans on Sesame Street?

DD: [in a flat can-I-get-away-with-this voice] *Grover's* a human.

KEVIN: Good enough. What do you figure the "LL" as in "LL Cool J" stands for?

DD: [in a low even-sexier-than-usual voice] It's "Ladies Love."

KEVIN: That's right. Who do you like better, Gillian Anderson or your wife?

DD: [very softly and reluctantly] my wife

KEVIN: Does your Dad *own* Entertainment Weekly?

DD: [bursts into surprised laughter] Entertainment Weekly is *not* nice to me...so, therefore YES!! [Laughter]

BEAN: They give ya some ink, though, I'll tell ya that.

KEVIN: For 10 million dollars, would you do a Psychic Friends commercial with Dionne Warwick?

DD: [eagerly] Oh *yeah.* I'd do a *duet* with Dionne Warwick for 10 million!

KEVIN: For 80 million, would you do one of those "Dime Lady" commercial with Candace Bergen?

DD: [in an are-you-kidding voice] I'd *be* the dime. She could *flip* me, for 80 million.

KEVIN: How much do you hate Canadians?

DD: [quickly] I *don't* hate Canadians.....eh? [Lapses into a French-Canadian accent] Dere a good people down dere, or up dere. I like dem, eh? [In his regular voice] They're wonderful. I gotta go cuz you're gonna *sink me* with that one.

KEVIN: No, I'm just asking.

DD: I *love* Can....I heart Canada.

KEVIN: All right, good. [laughter]

KEVIN: Do you chew gum?

DD: [quizically] Yeah.

KEVIN: Who's fatter, the guy in Blues Traveller, or John Madden?

DD: Ummm...Blues Traveller, cuz he's younger.

KEVIN: Do you ever wish you....

DD: Does that make sense?

BEAN: No.

KEVIN: Not much, no it doesn't. [DD cracks up]

BEAN: You're a TV guy, though, so we just have to nod and say, "Yes, Mr. Duchovny."

KEVIN: Do you ever *wish* you were on "Baywatch."

DD: Do I ever *not* is the question. [Laughter]

DD: Sometimes I refer to myself as David Kokachico.

KEVIN: Hitler--bad, right?

DD: [Long pause] Weeeeeelllll.........

BEAN: Careful, Dave.

DD: Misunderstood?

KEVIN: *That* one's going to sink you.

DD: Yeah.

KEVIN: If you had to kiss a man in a movie, who would you want it to be?

DD: [Long pause, then heavy sigh] Yeah, you just lost a lot of ratings right there. [Laughter]

DD: You know, I was trying to answer you seriously, uh, who's, uh.....Mick Jagger, I'd have to say.

KEVIN: All right. Do you really do yoga, or is that just what you say to get chicks hot?

DD: [laughing] No, I really do it.

KEVIN: Do you worry about losing Téa to her "Naked Truth" co-star Chris Elliot?

DD: [heavy sarcasm] Yes.

KEVIN: When was the last time you rode the bus?

DD: Oh, uh....

BEAN: That's not a euphemism, Dave, he means "rode the bus." [General hilarity]

DD: Um, I, I'm a subway rider, so I, I never really rode the bus and... you talking about L.A. bus? I never rode that one, uh...

BEAN: No one has ever ridden an L.A. bus, don't worry about it.

DD: New York, New York subway, probably three years ago.

KEVIN: Would you be more likely to hang out with a guy named Rob or a guy named Chuck?

DD: [pause] Rob.

KEVIN: Rob, yeah sure. Who loved the Princess more--you or Elton John?

DD: Elton.

KEVIN: Can you moon walk?

DD: Ye....Yeeessss [very dubiously]. Yes, I can! Uh, okay.

KEVIN: We've gotta see it now.

DD: I'm wearin' flip-flops, though.

BEAN: That's gonna be tough.

[DD gets up and begins to moon walk in flip-flops--what I wouldn't give for this to have been televised!!]

BEAN: Yeah! He's got it going!

KEVIN: Not bad, considering you're wearin' flip-flops.

DD: Yeah.

KEVIN: And the final question for Dave Duchovny...

DD: Michael Jackson beware.

KEVIN: What is your plan to save us from "El Nino"?

DD: I'm gonna be up in Vancouver, so *Good LUCK* everybody!!

KEVIN: He's leaving town.

BEAN: 20 Questions with Dave Duchovny. [clapping]

BEAN: Dave, you know how much we always enjoy having you on the program.

DD: I love being here. You guys are funny, great, nice and all that.

BEAN: Been a while since we've seen you. We wish you luck with the movie. By the way, you have anything else lined up already?

DD: Ah, no. No, we're just doing "The X-Files" until May and either Téa is gonna make me take the time off or there's going to be something wonderful that I can do, either way.

BEAN: That's cool.

KEVIN: So, "Playing God" starts tomorrow...

BEAN: And we'll see you tonight then, I guess?

DD: Please see "Playing God." I think it is a really fun, great movie and, and I hope you all see it because we worked really hard and we're, we're proud of it.

KEVIN: And tonight you can come down and see Dave even if you don't have tickets to the movie at the Mann in Westwood. You're going to be there about what time, do you know? Eight?

DD: I am actually going to be there around 6 to make sure the popcorn is good. And I'm gonna be doing the popcorn, and...

BEAN: Dedication right there. Attention to detail.

DD: The coke has to, the syrup has to be just right, you know.

KEVIN: You know how we do a "Breakfast with" series where we get the microphone and we go around to the crowd. We get questions for you. You're going to do that tonight too?

DD: Yeah, yeah. I'd love to.

KEVIN: Great! All right, very good. Thank you for coming in. We appreciate it.

DD: Thanks for having me.

Kevin and Bean. 16 October 1997. Live LA radio broadcast.