Conan O' Brien: The star of the hit show
The X-Files and starting Friday you can see him in Playing God,please welcome
David Duchovny....
[Cheers and applause]
Conan O' Brien: That's for you
David Duchovny: I think the people that
are doing that think that they are at the Conan Ivory Wayans Show.
[making a fist and waving it in the air]
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: Were headed that way
soon.
David Duchovny: Have you thought that
if they mated. You could do a talk show
Conan O' Brien: Me and Keenen. Let's
do it.
David Duchovny: Your head atop his body
perhaps
Conan O' Brien: Sounds sexy....
[Laughter] Thank you very much for coming. I
understand you had a bit of a scare coming out to the show
David Duchovny: On planes.... Well the
first thing is that the greatest thing about promoting a movie for Disney
is that you get to fly on the Disney plane. Which is great and safe but a
little disconcerting when you're about to take off and you hear --
[covers mouth and imitates Mickey Mouse voice]
-- "Please buckle up your seat belts..."
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: .....it doesn't instill
confidence....
David Duchovny: ....but then the worst
part is when it's like -- [covers mouth and imitates
Mickey Mouse voice] "...we are experiencing turbulence everybody,
kiss your ass good bye!"
[Cheers and Applause]
Conan O' Brien: Not a good thing....but
it must be....it's a nice plane at least
David Duchovny: It's a great plane everything
has the ears on it, there's plenty of things to grab on to. um What happened
once when I was traveling from Vancouver to LA they put me in an air bus
which is a commercial plane. The pilot asked me to come watch the landing.
Which you know you have to say yes because you want him to like you.
Conan O' Brien: You have an interest
in him liking you
David Duchovny: You don't want him to
crash the plane because he's pissed at you, just to get back at you. So I
go up there and we're landing at LAX and all of a sudden 10 feet from the
ground I hear this "Retard...Retard..." and I don't know.....and a flashing
red light going [makes odd buzzing sound] which
I don't like that sound I prefer [tilts head and makes
a sound: ding] to me that's like you landed well.
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: ....that's a life-affirming
sound
David Duchovny: I like the green light
and the ding, I don't like the red light and the [makes
odd buzzing sound]. [Laughter] So we're
landing and we taxi a little while and I say to the guy that I'm a nervous
flier and I may have been halucinating but I think that I was called a retard
at one point. during that landing. [Laughter]
He said "oh no no no. This plane is made in France and I was landing and
we were coming after a big jet so I sped up instead of slowing down and the
plan was telling me to retard -- to 'slow down.' It's true that that's probably
the last thing you want to hear as your crashing to the earth."
[Laughter] "Ah retard!" And I was thinking,
but what about... that was built in France, but what about planes built in
New York.... You know it would be like "Yo idiot, you're going to die!"
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: You have a little clip
for us. I understand it that you're going to show it for us. Can you explain
it?
David Duchovny: I play a drug addicted
surgeon--can you imagine--
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: Is that how he advertises
in the paper?
David Duchovny: It's a comedy
Conan O' Brien: Half price--drug addicted
surgeon....
David Duchovny: That's right, take your
chances... um....who has lost his license to practice medicine ....which
I think is kind of unfair and uh
Conan O' Brien: Yeah, what he does in
his own time is his own business.
David Duchovny: The AMA is strict that
way. I'm sure you could have a drug addiction and could continue to do your
job I imagine....
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: Oh kidding around....
[Laughter] jokin....just...
David Duchovny: So I hook up with a....
Conan O' Brien: ....it's hot in here.
[Laughter]
David Duchovny: ....a gangster played
by Timothy Hutton and I become his personal physician or personal surgeon
and I begin to practice medicine outside the law. This clip... I am performing
a surgery on Angeline Jolie, I believe in a bar room with a bunch of bikers
looking around on a pool table, I'll perform surgery anywhere. ...right on
the table. I don't need utensils. I'm calling them utensils because I know
about doctoring.
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: You've obviously researched
the role...using those utensils... [Laughter]
with the cutting open thing.
David Duchovny: ....fork, knife, spatula....
[Laughter] so roll the clip.
Conan O' Brien: Clip from Playing God.
[Playing God clip]
[Cheers and Applause]
Conan O' Brien: Who are those people
helping you?
David Duchovny: What was that...
[applause] uh....[talking
to audience] are you doing that cause you mean it or were you told
to do that. [turns to CB] Those people who were
helping us. Those are guys who threatened to hurt us if we didn't put them
in the movie that day.
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: That's a good way to
get into show business by the way. That's how I got this job.
[Laughter] Before we go, I got to ask you about
a lot of people don't know about. You were an English major and actually
taught english for awhile before you made it big as an actor. Were you always
one of those people that -- you know some people.... we have a guy in our
office, he's a head writer who likes to read the dictionary. He likes to
read reference books. Were you that level of nerd?
[Laughter]
David Duchovny: No......I.....how do
I answer that?
Conan O' Brien: You're completely trapped.
David Duchovny: You've run rings around
me. I don't know what to do...no...I got this book in the last couple of
years called the American Dictionary of slang and it's a bathroom book you
know what I mean by that. It's a great book to read while you're in their
for 2 to 5 minutes....
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: 2 to 5 minutes....You
are my hero now...
[Laughter]
David Duchovny: And his name is Starbuck....
So it's very interesting, you know how they say you can tell what's important
to a culture by how many different words they have for it. You know they
say the Eskimos have 25 different words for snow so I did my own survey.
What do you think that the most important words are to an American...the
most important things? More words for two things than any other word in the
english language.
[audience says sex]
David Duchovny: Close.
Conan O' Brien: People were saying sex.
David Duchovny: They were just saying
that. They weren't even listening to me.
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: Whenever there's a pause
in the conversation they think about sex. [talking
to audience] No....stop that we've got a show to do.
[to DD] No....for the two things....Got for
the eskimos the most important things is snow and for the Americans we've
got...
David Duchovny: Penis and Money.
Conan O' Brien: Seriously.
David Duchovny: Or money and penis.
Conan O' Brien: The most common sentence
for the eskimos is "I will pay you money to put snow on my penis." That would
get you.....that's the most common....
[Laughter]
David Duchovny: No I think the most common
Eskimo sentence is "I will pay you money to get snow off my penis."
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: Very nicely done. We'll
be back to talk to David Duchovny....
[commercial]
Conan O' Brien: We're back everyone.
Sitting here with Mr. David Duchovny. The um...people, of course are very
excited about The X-Files premiere in November. Is there anything new that
you can tell us....
David Duchovny: Well you know I'm not
suppose to do this. Chris Carter has sworn me to secrecy but I will say right
here right now....I'm gonna break the story.......We're gonna do the first
show live.
[Laughter]
David Duchovny: ...and what we're gonna
do...it's never been done before....what we're gonna do...if you're acquainted
with the show, it usually starts with what we call a teaser which is where
a crime happens or a body is found or something mysterious happens....5 or
6 minutes.... a dead body is found...blood...Mulder shows up...Scully shows
up...where we're going. We're going to do that live and then we're going
to get on a bus to the next location, but we're going to film that.
[Laughter] So it's gonna be like 45 minutes
of myself and Gillian and the crew driving through Vancouver in the rain.
And I think you know I can tell it's gonna be huge.
Conan O' Brien: This is gonna be big...
people are gonna love that...... [Cheers and
applause] You brought up Vancouver. There's been a lot of controversy.
People are saying that you can't stand shooting in Vancouver any more --
it's too far from home and that you want to move the show from Vancouver.
Do you want to talk about that?
David Duchovny: It's just a matter of
living there for five years. It's a great city, you know if you like 400
inches of rain a day .... [Laughter] without
the benefits of being in a tropical rain forest. It's like being in an ice
age rain forest actually. No it's a wonderful city, seriously but I just
want to be with my wife...it's an odd thing.
Conan O' Brien: Is it Canada...is it
that you have a problem with Canada?
David Duchovny: No. I like Canada. I
do. It's just, it's five years of going through customs and I'm tired of
the strip searches and the body probes.
[Laughter] I'm sore.
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: I think maybe it was
a mistake for you. That you kind of..... you kind of attacked Canada a bit
there and I think you upset some people in our audience a bit there.
David Duchovny: Well I didn't mean to
attack Canada.
Conan O' Brien: No, you did.... you just
kind you went after some people there and you owe some of them an apology.
[shot of the audience: a Canadian Mounty, a hockey
player and a bear crying]
Conan O' Brien: I think it was just a
mistake. Our audience is really sensitive.
David Duchovny: I'm very sorry if I hurt
any body's feelings...
Conan O' Brien: Now when we heard you
were coming on the show we were aware....
David Duchovny: I didn't know bears actually
cried tears.
[Laughter]
Conan O' Brien: Yes, I'm surprised they
have hankies.....which surprised me more.
[shot of bear with tissue]
Conan O' Brien: Oh there it is on the
other side of his face.... Now we knew that you were thinking of taking the
show somewhere other than Vancouver. We have with us tonight officials from
different cities.
David Duchovny: Is that right?
Conan O' Brien: Yeah....who are going
to come out here and plead their case to David Duchovny to see if they can
lure David Duchovny to taking their show, "The X-Files," to their own capital.
First it's only fair to start with Vancouver....
[Here they had a bunch of people come out on stage
and make a speech to DD to come to their city. It was very long and DD didn't
really talk much so I stopped transcribing here]
